Author: Pam Anderson

The start of something is a beautiful thing. Like a new day. Not every day has a glorious sunrise, but so many do. And the sunsets are just as magnificent to behold. In fact, there are many days that have both a glorious beginning and ending. And in thinking back over my life (with God), I can see there have been many glorious starts, too. Each one brimming with possibility, but more often than not, ending not as pretty as some of the sunsets I’ve beheld. That’s because a lot of my beautiful “starts” do not hold their original intent. Because what started out for God slowly morphed into something else. A lot of those glorious starts didn’t end prettily, because they ended… for me.

I became a child of God in February of 1997. That was a good start. But I fell so far away from Him, no one would have known I was His. In 2004, I moved to Pinehurst. While there, I dove into our new church and all it had to offer. I grew there (spiritually speaking). It was a great start. But, over time, I came to be bitter and complaining. It didn’t end well… because of me. In the late summer/early fall of 2010, I sought to know God. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” And that I did… I started well. But too soon after, I slid away from Him in my busyness. I went downhill pretty fast. In the summer of 2011, it was with renewed vigor that I sought God. And once again, I encountered God’s glory and light. I climbed up high that time, only to take a big tumble in January/February of 2012. And then came September of 2012. I was pretty low. But this past September became the start of something new… something beautiful… or so I thought.

Yes, I am realizing that over time there have been many, many, many starts and stops with God. I would begin by seeking Him, only to be pulled away by busyness, hardship… or something worse. And I believe that “something worse” is the heart of this self-examination. In fact, this self-exam has everything to do what lies at the center of my heart. Because what’s becoming glaringly obvious is a pattern. A pattern of a beautiful start, for God, followed by an ugly ending… for me.

God sent me home in the fall of 2010. This was within weeks of my whole-hearted search for God. And so naturally, I wanted to praise Him for that. I felt the nudging to write a book during the summer of 2011, soon after settling into my home in Virginia. When I caught wind of a Christian women’s writing contest, that gave me the push I needed. And I began that book with my heart in the right place. I sincerely wanted to glorify God. I wanted to write about how real He is, and how He worked in my life. And so, I churned out over 45,000 words within three months. I gushed about answered prayer, erroneously believing God to have sent me home simply because I wanted to go there. The honest truth? I thought He rewarded me for my good behavior while in North Carolina. Not long after completing the manuscript, I began to want and to crave. But my desire was not so much about God anymore. I began to long to be something more than what I was. I wanted to be a somebody, and so having a published book would give me status. And so, what started off with good intentions (the book was to be a standing stone for God – a memorial to Him), turned into something for me.

And now there’s the blog. My heart was in the right place… true to Him. It was a beautiful start. But you know… numbers are a big thing in the world today. I found myself going to the stats section just a little too often, wondering how many visitors there were to the site. And so the pattern emerges. Beautiful starts, for God, turn to me. And the truth is… that “something worse” that lies in my heart is my selfish nature. I honestly want to do and be for God, but then I get wrapped up in how what I’m doing could be a benefit to me. And as much as I want it to be wholeheartedly for God, there is an ugly part of me that inserts itself into something beautiful. The ugliness makes its presence known in the form of pride and self-seeking. God help me! It’s a pattern, and I’m seeing it so clear today.

I began reviewing my old journals on Friday, but I’m stuck on the first few pages. Examine my heart jumped off the pages at me, but I neglected to notice a reference to Hebrews 10:22 until yesterday. My version of the Bible shows, “Let us draw near with a true heart…” I also like the NLT version, which reads, “Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts…” A heart that’s true…. a heart that’s sincere. Quite frankly, I cannot say that my heart has been 100% sincere. Because God told me about three years ago to examine mine. And I didn’t. And so I’m told a second time… examine my heart. My daily calendar (which has Scripture for each day) shows, “stay true to the Lord.” In this self-exam, I just have to ask myself have I done so. Have I stayed true to God? Well, no. Not always. I have many, many starts with Him… each time drawing near with a true heart, only to find myself pulled away by my own shortcomings. And so, I reflect on that time two and a half years ago. I sought Him with my whole heart, and so what’s happening with me today stems from that day. And in reality, what happened with me two and a half years ago stems from a day just over sixteen years ago, when I first trusted that Jesus died for me and my sins. That’s the day I became a child of God. And ultimately, that is my beautiful start. It’s the only start. Because in truth, we really have only one beginning and one ending with God… the ending being the day we’re done here on earth.

Today, I can know with assurance that He’s not done with me yet. We can all know that. And what should be exciting to us all is that today (no matter how many years we’ve walked with God) is really just the beginning with Him! With Him in our lives, we’re all off to a beautiful start.

Here it comes! It’s March… and although it’s bitter cold and there’s a chance of snow this week, I’ve seen daffodils springing forth and robins flying. And last week, I heard Spring peepers peeping and my dad planted his onions. Oh, there’ll be more cold weather, but there’s no doubt, Spring is upon us. And to me, that means new life. And I am so ready. And I’m not just talking about the earth. I’m talking about new life inside me. Are you ready, too? Although this blog is called “the truth about God & me,” I’m sure it must also be about you (whoever may be reading this). I think God wants us to journey together… alongside one another. Because He wants for us all to have new life.

On my end, the timing is perfect for new life. See, it was just last week that I decided to go through all my old journals looking for God moments. My plan is to pore through each one looking for those spiritual markers, to log into a seperate journal. And I’ll have ample time for this task, as I’ve come to a stopping point of sorts with my Bible studies. I am, however, still reading Priscilla Shirer’s The Resolution for Women. I thought about putting it aside during my return to the past, but I realized I should finish what I started. So this past Friday, I started with the book. And I’m thankful I did. Because had I put it aside as I originally planned, I would have missed something big. The auther mentioned the apostle Paul, and his letters to the Corinthians. In 1 Corinthians 11:28, he said, “But let a man examine himself…” And basically, he repeated himself in 2 Corinthians 13:5, “Examine yourselves…” Actually, in the 2 Corinthians passage, he prefaced the command with, “This will be the third time I am coming to you,” and “I have told you before…” Honestly, that stopped me in my tracks. Because Paul told the Corinthians to examine themselves not once, but twice. This spoke to me because I am getting ready to delve into my past… not for the first time, but for the second time. And since I have felt prompted to not of my own accord, it’s as if God has said go back, not once, but twice.

After my reading, I opened up my brand new journal. The date was March the 1st, which I thought was fitting – a new journal, a new month… and now, a new life! So I opened up my old journal of 2010 and laid it alongside my new journal of 2013, pen poised and ready for action. And I found something. Within three pages of my old journal, I think I found the reason I am supposed to revisit my past… again. I thought it was simply to find those special moments with God, to be logged into my “God moments” journal. And yes, I believe God still means for me to do that. But, there’s something more.

The very first entry of 2010 sounds like I had it all together. On 3/31 I had a whole list of what I believed God wanted me to do. But that’s it… a list. There wasn’t another entry until 4/5 (pretty brief), and then there it was. On 4/13, I see my own handwriting reiterating what I had just read in Corinthians moments earlier. “Heart – examine myself.” Yes, it’s clear. God wanted me to examine my heart then. But you know what? I don’t think I ever did. Because I didn’t make another entry until August of 2010. It was in August and September when I came to my God & me moment. It was in August and September that I was so desperate that I had no choice but to turn to Him. But as for the immediate time period leading up to God & me…. nothing! There is a four month period I cannot account for. But what’s clear to me today is I didn’t do what God said to do. And although I looked through my journals not so long ago, there must be something more. Perhaps I didn’t dig deep enough.

It was not long ago, I cried out to God in prayer. I prayed Psalm 139. “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” When I prayed that, I meant every word. The reason being, I thought my heart was upright. Honestly, I felt pretty good about myself and confident that God would find nothing wrong inside me. But you know, it was not long after I prayed this sincere prayer that I went down. God already knows the wickedness that lies in my heart, but He wants me to know, too. And so He says, loud and clear, “Examine myself.” Not just once, but twice. And so, there’s excitement on my part. Because in the first day of delving into my old journals, I found something important. And obviously, I overlooked it the first time. Yes, there’s more to be found. It is with renewed vigor I’ll search my journals. And in doing so, I’ll search my heart. I’ll examine myself.

It’s almost Springtime. Farmers and gardeners are preparing the earth. Meanwhile, through my self-examination, God will be preparing my heart. And once He’s done with the pruning, there’s no telling what may spring forth from this heart of mine. I’m ready… are you? Do you have your journal yet? If not, why not get one. Start digging deep, and examine your heart alongside me. Lets let God prune our hearts, rooting out the weeds of bitterness, sadness, or whatever else chokes out life. And once He’s done with us, may new life spring forth from us all.

I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but underneath my blog address there’s a tagline. At first, I didn’t realize I could change it, so it showed, “Smile” followed by some other words. When I figured out I could change it, I placed the words, “That they may know,” because those words mean something to me. However, they may not mean anything at all to someone else, or could just be plain confusing. So I simplified things by showing, “God & me.” But you know, yesterday morning I almost changed it again! I actually typed in something, but then changed it back. I thought if anyone notices the changes, they’re going to wonder what in the world I’m doing. But you know, I believe I’ll go ahead and make that one last change.  Hopefully, this one will stick. “The truth about God & me” is what this blog shall be called. Because that’s it in a nutshell. For me to write about God, I have to write about me. The truth part? Well, I entertained calling the blog, “The ugly truth about God & me.” Because I have to say, the closer I get to God, the uglier I have become. That is truth.

In September of 2010, I had two heartfelt prayers. One, “Please God, send me to Virginia, and SEND ME NOW!” The other was a newer request, but just as deep, “Please God, may I KNOW You!” And so, in addition to praying, I dug in where I was. Because despite knowing that God would send me to Virginia, I knew my inheritance would be delayed. So I began facilitating a women’s discipleship class. We studied When God’s People Pray. Well, my husband changed things up on me. You can imagine my surprise when he announced mid-month that he had emailed his resume to two companies in Virginia. WHAT? That wasn’t the plan, so I can assure you I was stunned. But elated. I was ready for Virginia any time. And let me tell you, I knew God was in our midst. Because one company contacted him immediately, and interviewed him by phone that Sunday! I was crushed because it didn’t work out. And so when Monday rolled around, I was pretty gloomy. I took my son to pre-school that morning, but once I made it back home, I couldn’t even make it out of the car before I broke down. I cried out to God, sincerely, about my distress. I wanted to go home! And then, just hours later there was another phone call. But this time it was a job prospect not 15 minutes from my hometown!! UNBELIEVABLE! By Friday, September the 24th, my husband had a job in VIRGINIA. God answered my prayer.

BUT… which prayer? Up till this past Summer, I thought He answered my ten year prayer request to send me home. Now I don’t think so. Because the newest development in my life was that I sincerely wanted to know God… with all my heart. Never before had I felt that way. As far as Virginia goes, I believe I was the hold up all along. My priorities were backward… Virginia first, and everything else afterward. No. God first, and everything else afterward. It was not till September of 2010 that I ever gave priority to God. Or tried to. That was the first time I somewhat relented. I surrendered in a sense, to where I was and what He wanted me to do. We’ve all heard the verse, “Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.” We know the words, but do we truly understand them? Because if we really sought His kingdom, all the other stuff would not be so important. It’s only in looking back that I can see, Virginia was the kingdom I sought. And until I sought God, it was out of reach.

God listens and hears. He answers prayer. But sometimes He waits. Sometimes we’re the very ones that hold up what we want the most because our hearts are out of sync. But He knows our hearts… He knows what we want and why we want it. And so, He waits for our hearts catch up with Him. With me, the wait lasted ten years. Why? Because my heart was not in sync with His. I wanted something desperately, and I wanted it more than I wanted Him. But finally, I turned to Him. I came to want Him in my life just because. And you know, when you delight yourself also in the LORD, He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4. And so that’s the prayer God answered. He gave me the desire of my heart and my desire was for Him. And in His infinite mercy, He used my hometown to give me Himself.

Is there something you want desperately? Do you want it more than God? He already knows the answer to those questions, but do you? I didn’t… not for a long time. But I’m encouraged. I’m slowly learning that God is a giver, not a taker. And His gifts are good. It’s apparent He doesn’t want to withhold any good thing from us, for He gave His only Son. So, today, take delight in the LORD, and may He give you the desire of your heart. May He be your desire.

God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

God moments… what do they look like? Yesterday I talked about chronicling the spiritual markers in my life, and mentioned the BIG things God does. And of course those BIG things are important. But what about the small stuff? I’ve come to realize that some of the teeny, tiny details of our lives can actually be the BIGGEST God moments. Because once we see a teeny thing here, and a tiny thing there… they really begin to add up.

God moments… I had one Tuesday. That morning I was drawn to Zephaniah 3:17. I realized I had been seeing it frequently, so I wrote it down. Perhaps God was trying to tell me something. Later, my good friend told me that Zephaniah 3:17 was going around and around in her head that morning. She kept thinking about it. Now, to the cynic this may seem a coincidence. But I say no… it was a God moment! God knew we would talk on the phone, and He wanted us to know that He placed that verse on our hearts. Our conversation actually led to two more “mini” God moments. But in reality, isn’t any moment with God a BIG one?

God moments… I had one yesterday. Yesterday’s blog was inspired by Daniel 10:12. I later opened my Journey devotional for 2/27, there it was… Daniel 10:12! Coincidence or God? I say God. And when I stop to think about it, I can think of other small (but BIG) moments with Him. About a year ago, I heard a particular song on the radio and it brought to mind someone I used to know. We heard that song together when we attended a Beth Moore conference. As did King David, she danced joyfully and with all her might. I just had to watch her. And so, when I heard that song a couple of years later, I thought, “I should send an email.” Now, we’re not close friends, we do not email each other, and we live in separate states. But God brought her to my mind, and so I did send that email. Her reply? She said I was so heavy on her mind the afternoon before (when I heard the song), that she thought she should send me an email. When she saw mine in her inbox, she got chills. Coincidence or God? I say God.

And this morning there was another God moment. It was seven days ago when I remembered two events in high school. Both times I was deeply hurt by those I loved the most. Which was odd, because I do not think about that time. And to my recollection, I have never dwelt on those hurts. But all of a sudden, there they were. Two occasions, two separate years, but similar in circumstances. Both times, I was left at home when there was a BIG party. The first time, by my boyfriend and the second time, by my best friend. And so, I was left at home alone, while everyone else was together and having fun. I felt abandoned. And so, it was last Thursday that I wrote in my journal, “My hurts… when others got together and left me out… What to do with this? God brought it to me… what next?” The God moment made it’s appearance this morning.

While at the bus stop, I ached for my son because he shared something with me. He is in the first grade, and has an assigned seat on the bus. But he said he’s not sitting with his good friend anymore. He said his friend told his mom he wanted to sit with someone else, and so she talked to the bus driver about it. There is a reason (I don’t know that my son’s completely innocent), but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is how he feels today. He feels left out, and rejected, and unloved. I know exactly how he feels because I JUST thought about this in my own life. His heartache becomes mine. And so the question I posed to God a week ago is answered today. The “what next” is I comfort my son. Because I know! I know exactly how he feels because God reminded me of my own pain. My son feels just as I did all those years ago.

One more God moment? I write down the Psalms in my journal. I try to do it daily, but am not as diligent as I use to be. After the bus stop, my heart was so heavy. I just had to turn to the Psalms first thing. And wouldn’t you know the next Psalm happened to be Psalm 23. This Psalm is the first Scripture my son memorized. Coincidence? No… it’s God. Psalm 23 is one of the most comforting Psalms I know, and God gave it to me today so I could pray it for my son. I prayed that God would restore his soul, and that God’s rod and staff would comfort him. He’s so young and I don’t know that he’ll recall these words on his own. But I can. Because I love him, and because I’m his mother, I can pray it for him… to comfort him.

God moments. They’re everywhere.

Then he said to me, “Do not fear, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard; and I have come because of your words.”  Daniel 10:12

What a powerful verse. I came across it this past fall, and it stopped me in my tracks. It’s amazing. Daniel set his heart to understand, and his words were heard… by God! I have an index card notebook, so I quickly jotted down this verse. I also wrote the stirring words in my journal. I was thoroughly moved and captivated by this new verse. But wait a minute… hadn’t I taken the Beth Moore study on the book of Daniel several years earlier? Yes, I sure did. So I must have read Daniel 10:12 then. And come to think of it…. it’s a pretty well-known verse. In fact, it’s likely that I ran across this verse several times in my life. But you know what? I didn’t remember it. When I read it this fall, it felt like the very first time.

Which brings me to what I want to write about today. This week, a dear friend brought up the spiritual markers of both our lives. She mentioned that she wanted to keep a spiritual marker journal, so that the BIG things God does won’t get lost in the mix. I actually had a similar thought about a month ago, but thought about making a timeline to show the BIG things. However, I’ve sat still. And now that it’s been brought to me again, I think God means for me to do it. Because what my friend said is true. A journal is a great tool, but depending on how much one journals, it would be hard to find the BIG things amidst hundreds/thousands/millions of words. And in my journal, it’s really hard to find something because I star and underline just about everything!!! For me to find those God moments, I would have to sit down and read every single word. So thanks, dear friend, you’ve given me a new direction… backward. Which is funny, because I’ve been looking back for a couple of years now.

This past fall, God pointed out just how easy it is to lose our spiritual markers. Oh, how quickly we forget! Fortunately, as I said yesterday (I think), God never forgets. It was this past September that He brought something to my mind. He wanted me to realize something HUGE. So He pointed me backward. He wanted me to face something specific from my past, but in a roundabout way I was brought right back to the Spring and Summer of 2010 (when everything really took off with God & me).

I’m sure you’ll soon notice I mention the Spring and Summer of 2010 quite a bit. It actually branches out into the fall. That’s because I believe a span of about six months was one spiritual marker in my life. That time period is when I had my God & me moment, it’s when I came to the realization that God is my homeland, and it’s also when I purposed to know Him. It’s when I purposed my heart to understand. And Daniel 10:12 assures me that my words were heard… by God!

Sure enough, when I look through my journal from September of 2010, there it is… Daniel 10:12. It spoke to me this past fall, and quite clearly, it spoke to me two years prior. How could I have forgotten? It was a major spiritual marker in my life. Perhaps it didn’t compute then. Maybe it’s only in looking back through our journals that we can find those defining moments. But the fact is, they’re there. We have to look for them. And when we find them, we need to remember them. Perhaps in a special book, as my friend suggested. Because how comforting would it be to pull that out when we’re feeling discouraged… and how amazing to see His very hand upon our lives.

Journals. I’m an advocate. I didn’t start one until the New Year of 2010. My first entries are sporadic at best, but over time, the pages get fuller and fuller. Later on, the writings include stars and underlines and circles. Yes, there’s a lot in there, and I’m eager to read them again. I’m excited about the task set before me. Although I read through them not that long ago, I must have missed something. Because God says to do it again. And so this time, I’ll look with fresh eyes. Through my own handwriting I’ll see proof of how the very hand of God has touched my life. And I can hardly wait to see what’s next. Because every day is a new day. With each new dawn, we’re given another chance. We can once again set our hearts to understand and come humbly before Him. And when we do, our words will be heard… by Him.

We’re all seekers. Everyone is looking for something to fill them. For me, it was Virginia. Two and a half years ago, I longed to return to my homeland. I wanted it desperately, but it looked as if I’d never get there. I left at nineteen thinking I’d never want to return. I wanted excitement, and thought the world would offer it. And so, I left. Over time, I married a good man and had a precious boy. By the time the Summer of 2010 rolled around, I had been away from my home  for eighteen years. And somewhere along the road, my homeland evolved into the promised land. I had to have it. I had to get there… I was seeking my homeland.

When God told me He would return me to my homeland, I was overjoyed. See, in 2010, I was in a very dark place. I was angry and bitter, and not content in my circumstances. I thought Virginia would “fix” me. I thought Virginia would be the answer to my prayers. I thought everyone else would feel the same as I did. So you can imagine my surprise when a loved one didn’t share in my prayer to send me home to Virginia. I mentioned “her” in yesterday’s post, but I didn’t elaborate. It didn’t occur to me till this morning that someone may wonder why “her” didn’t join in my prayer, but chose to simply pray God’s will for me. I had been seeking Virginia, and longing for it. By the time I received a word from God that He would send me back, I had been pining away for years. I wanted “her” to be happy for me. I wanted “her” to pray for me as I was praying. But she didn’t. And it’s only now that I can see why. She knew something I did not. She tried to tell me, but I DID NOT want to hear it. She tried to caution me, but I closed my ears to it. Instead of accepting words of wisdom, I filled my journal with words of anger.

Yes, God said He would send me home… I just didn’t know when. Soon after, He spoke to me through Proverbs 20:21, “An inheritance gained prematurely will not be blessed ultimately.” Thus, I knew my departure would not be imminent. And so I finally came to the point in which could settle down (at least a little). This is when I really began to dig in where I was. This also happens to be the point that I was so sick of myself and my complaining, and so mad at “her,” that I decided to seek God. I had no other choice. And so began the search. I sought God wholeheartedly, while seeking my homeland on the side. Probably for the first time in the whole of my Christian existence, I searched God’s word in search of Him. All the while, I cried out to Him for my homeland in Virginia. Yes, I wanted God… but I still yearned for that homeland of mine… the promised land.

In September of 2010, everything changed. It was like I had a split personality. I wanted two things at once. I wanted Virginia, and yet, I wanted God. And so finally, I had to determine which I wanted more. I cried out through prayer, “My God… why am I here when I call out to you to take me to Virginia? But You are holy! Be near me… rescue me!” It was only two days after this prayer that God showed me something huge. It was through Hebrews 11:13-16 that God spoke volumes to me. I penned what spoke the loudest in my journal. “They were foreigners and temporary residents on the earth… they are seeking a homeland… If they had been remembering the land they came from, they would have had opportunity to return. But they now aspire to a better land – a heavenly one.”

On September 15, 2010, God showed me what “her” had been trying to say. She knew the truth. She knew that nothing aside from God would fill me, and take away the darkness of my soul. She knew that a return to Virginia would not cure me. She knew I needed to find peace right where I was. I didn’t want to hear that. But when God showed me the truth through His own word… there was no denying the message. Virginia is temporal, not eternal. I believe God was showing me that Virginia was not the answer for me… He was! He still is! He is my heavenly Father and my inheritance lies with Him. As lovely as the land is, my inheritance was not and is not in the soil of Virginia. There I was, a child of God, and rather than seeking Him, my Father, I had been seeking a temporary lodging. It took me THIRTEEN years to get to that moment. It was then that I knew (at least in my brain) that Virginia would not fix me. That’s what “her” had been trying to tell me all along.

See, we’re all seeking a homeland of some sort. It’s what we fixate on. My hometown is what I fixated on for years. But God said to fixate on Him because He is my homeland! And so, two and a half years ago, I knew the truth. It’s evidenced by my own handwriting in my journal, “I am here (earth) but a short while. Eternity is forever, and that should be my focus… not here on earth. Temporary… I want Virginia, but that’s not my final home.” I’d like to say that I’ve rested in that truth since September of 2010. But hey, I’m human and far from perfect. Not only that, I am completely forgetful. Quite honestly, I forgot! Not just once, but again and again I’ve forgotten. But you know, my Father in heaven never forgets. And so, when I do and begin to fixate on something new, and start seeking something other than Him, He reminds me through His word:

You, O LORD, are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. Psalm 16:5,6

May we all seek Him, for He is our inheritance… He is our homeland.

Me blogging? Crazy when I think about it. This is completely unlike me. If I’m not mistaken, it was not that long ago I actually voiced, “I don’t understand blogging.” And here I sit, mind brimming, thoughts churning, and my most pressing thought? What first? Where to begin? I could start with today, but for me, yesterday is so important. And by yesterday, I mean just about two and a half years ago. That’s where it really began with God & me. I became His child in February of 1997, but for quite some time, I was stagnant. I stayed a babe, desiring the milk of his word, never moving on to more solid food. But two and a half years ago, I got to a stopping point. I felt desperate, to be honest. And this is what this blog will be… honest, transparent, and a little scary, if you really want to know. Scary because I’m on a journey, and I don’t know where it will lead. I don’t know exactly what God will have me write about each day, or even if it will be daily. Just maybe I won’t want to share something personal, but He wants me to. Suppose I dry up, and have nothing to say? Suppose I’m criticized? All those what-ifs can add up if I let them. So, pressing all frightening scenarios to the background, here goes nothing (or something)?

Two and a half years ago, I was angry with someone. Well, with a few people. That’s because I wanted to return to my homeland (a small town in Virginia), and they didn’t understand. I had left when I was nineteen, and at thirty-seven, I felt desperate to go home. Over time, a twinge of homesickness morphed into depression. I missed my family! Everyone who knew me well knew of my heartache. How could they not, as I complained more than a time or two. And so, it was the Spring of 2010 when I felt a glimmer hope. I was certain God said He would send me back home when I read Jeremiah 29:11-14. The part that spoke to me? “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you” – the LORD’s declaration – “and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and places where I banished you” – the LORD’s declaration – “I will restore you to the place I deported you from.” YES! God would send me home! He declared it! Okay, He was talking to His chosen ones, the Israelites… but I believe fully that God can use any portion of His word to speak to His children today. And you better believe I shared this news, that God would send me home, to all those closest to me. But I was met with skepticism and caution at every turn. And this made me angry. When someone really close to me said, “I’m not praying that God will send you to Virginia, I’m praying His will for you,” I went over the edge.

And so, I did what any hot-blooded female would do. I set out to prove to her wrong (note to “her”… if you’re reading this, you know who you are, and you know how much I love you!). But you know what, this proved to be the best thing she could have done for me. Through setting out to prove “her” wrong, it set me on my path to really finding God. This is exactly where it began with God & me. See, I wanted to prove to a loved one that God’s will can be accomplished anywhere. Whether in North Carolina, Virginia or Saskatchewan, I could accomplish God’s will. But first, I needed to know what the basics were. Just what does God require of His people? Really and truly, I felt like I was starting from scratch. And then, I stumbled upon a verse that was truly a life changer for me. It was Philippians 3:10, “My determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person.” Okay, for all you seasoned Christians out there, I’m sure you know this verse is about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. But for me, two and a half years ago, I read this verse with God the Father in mind. When I read this, my heart shifted. I thought, “Yes, my determined purpose is that I may know Him…” This, my friend, is where it began with God & me. And honestly, this is what we all need. We all need a defining moment in our lives, when we realize that we really NEED God. We all need to get to that point in which we sincerely want to know Him. And the only way to know Him is through His Son.

Two and a half years ago, I was desperately seeking God. I wanted to return to my homeland (the promised land), but I finally came to a place where I could put that desire to the back burner for a bit. I stopped seeking Virginia, and began seeking God instead. And although my search began in anger, I changed through the process. I began to really want to know Him just because I wanted to, not just to prove a family member wrong. I wanted to know Him simply because, He’s my Father. And what child doesn’t want to know their Daddy?

God & me… without Him, there’s no hope. And my sincere hope is that through this blog, everyone who reads it will come to a point in which they desire to know their Father. My desire is that everyone can say, “This is where it began with God & me.” And I’m quite sure that’s His desire, too.