We’re all seekers. Everyone is looking for something to fill them. For me, it was Virginia. Two and a half years ago, I longed to return to my homeland. I wanted it desperately, but it looked as if I’d never get there. I left at nineteen thinking I’d never want to return. I wanted excitement, and thought the world would offer it. And so, I left. Over time, I married a good man and had a precious boy. By the time the Summer of 2010 rolled around, I had been away from my home for eighteen years. And somewhere along the road, my homeland evolved into the promised land. I had to have it. I had to get there… I was seeking my homeland.
When God told me He would return me to my homeland, I was overjoyed. See, in 2010, I was in a very dark place. I was angry and bitter, and not content in my circumstances. I thought Virginia would “fix” me. I thought Virginia would be the answer to my prayers. I thought everyone else would feel the same as I did. So you can imagine my surprise when a loved one didn’t share in my prayer to send me home to Virginia. I mentioned “her” in yesterday’s post, but I didn’t elaborate. It didn’t occur to me till this morning that someone may wonder why “her” didn’t join in my prayer, but chose to simply pray God’s will for me. I had been seeking Virginia, and longing for it. By the time I received a word from God that He would send me back, I had been pining away for years. I wanted “her” to be happy for me. I wanted “her” to pray for me as I was praying. But she didn’t. And it’s only now that I can see why. She knew something I did not. She tried to tell me, but I DID NOT want to hear it. She tried to caution me, but I closed my ears to it. Instead of accepting words of wisdom, I filled my journal with words of anger.
Yes, God said He would send me home… I just didn’t know when. Soon after, He spoke to me through Proverbs 20:21, “An inheritance gained prematurely will not be blessed ultimately.” Thus, I knew my departure would not be imminent. And so I finally came to the point in which could settle down (at least a little). This is when I really began to dig in where I was. This also happens to be the point that I was so sick of myself and my complaining, and so mad at “her,” that I decided to seek God. I had no other choice. And so began the search. I sought God wholeheartedly, while seeking my homeland on the side. Probably for the first time in the whole of my Christian existence, I searched God’s word in search of Him. All the while, I cried out to Him for my homeland in Virginia. Yes, I wanted God… but I still yearned for that homeland of mine… the promised land.
In September of 2010, everything changed. It was like I had a split personality. I wanted two things at once. I wanted Virginia, and yet, I wanted God. And so finally, I had to determine which I wanted more. I cried out through prayer, “My God… why am I here when I call out to you to take me to Virginia? But You are holy! Be near me… rescue me!” It was only two days after this prayer that God showed me something huge. It was through Hebrews 11:13-16 that God spoke volumes to me. I penned what spoke the loudest in my journal. “They were foreigners and temporary residents on the earth… they are seeking a homeland… If they had been remembering the land they came from, they would have had opportunity to return. But they now aspire to a better land – a heavenly one.”
On September 15, 2010, God showed me what “her” had been trying to say. She knew the truth. She knew that nothing aside from God would fill me, and take away the darkness of my soul. She knew that a return to Virginia would not cure me. She knew I needed to find peace right where I was. I didn’t want to hear that. But when God showed me the truth through His own word… there was no denying the message. Virginia is temporal, not eternal. I believe God was showing me that Virginia was not the answer for me… He was! He still is! He is my heavenly Father and my inheritance lies with Him. As lovely as the land is, my inheritance was not and is not in the soil of Virginia. There I was, a child of God, and rather than seeking Him, my Father, I had been seeking a temporary lodging. It took me THIRTEEN years to get to that moment. It was then that I knew (at least in my brain) that Virginia would not fix me. That’s what “her” had been trying to tell me all along.
See, we’re all seeking a homeland of some sort. It’s what we fixate on. My hometown is what I fixated on for years. But God said to fixate on Him because He is my homeland! And so, two and a half years ago, I knew the truth. It’s evidenced by my own handwriting in my journal, “I am here (earth) but a short while. Eternity is forever, and that should be my focus… not here on earth. Temporary… I want Virginia, but that’s not my final home.” I’d like to say that I’ve rested in that truth since September of 2010. But hey, I’m human and far from perfect. Not only that, I am completely forgetful. Quite honestly, I forgot! Not just once, but again and again I’ve forgotten. But you know, my Father in heaven never forgets. And so, when I do and begin to fixate on something new, and start seeking something other than Him, He reminds me through His word:
You, O LORD, are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. Psalm 16:5,6
May we all seek Him, for He is our inheritance… He is our homeland.
painter's daughter (a work in progress) 