Month: March 2013

Help my unbelief!

by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment on Help my unbelief!

Yesterday, I wrote about standing amazed in the presence of God. And I’m still amazed. And I couldn’t get it all down in one blog. It was just too much information to try to convey. But I have to, because what I found truly blows me away. Bear with me as I try to get this down. This past January, I went through something pretty big with God. What took place revolved completely around my son, but had everything to do with my heart. And the reality is I was having a crisis of faith! I honestly believed God was going to take my child. I didn’t believe He would heal my son. It’s not that I doubted He could heal. I just didn’t think He was going to show Himself strong… for me. I can’t really say when I first realized I was having doubts about God (I’m sure I’ll see exactly when I get there in my journal review). But I don’t think it was something that happened overnight. I believe faith slowly ebbed away without my realizing it until I was in crisis mode in January.

And so, after the crisis was averted, I felt sure I was to start a blog. Actually, it was the week after my son’s high fever that I felt assurance… yes, a blog! And so, I began without really knowing what I would write day to day. I had an idea, but nothing set out in stone. After speaking with my friend, I came to the conclusion I was to review all my journals because she had mentioned setting apart those God moments. I had a similar thought earlier, but more along the lines of a timeline. So, it was evident to me that I was to review the journals right along with blogging. Later I realized the review was multi-purpose (God moments along with an exam of my heart). I began journal review on March 1, but have been camped out on the first few pages ever since. And it was just yesterday I realized to accurately record the God moments, I needed to go further back. I had to revisit when I became His, and what happened afterward. Please, bear with me… I want you to see something BIG.

Yesterday I talked about my second God moment. My husband and I were drawn to a church in which we consistently heard the word of God. Thus, fresh faith. Well, after several years my husband and I decided to leave town. Our son was small, and we (mainly me) wanted to be near family. I decided we could not afford Virginia, so we headed out to western North Carolina to be with my in-laws. We sold our home, quit our jobs and took off expecting to find greatness. We didn’t find it. But while there, I did have my third God moment. Once again, it involved a church. We were floating from church to church, and decided to visit my sister-in-law’s church one more time before settling for another. We had never really cared for her church because it was contemporary (lots of music). We were used to a more traditional service. But despite our never really caring for the church during previous visits, we were completely won over when we visited. Okay, another episode that seems like a not so big God moment. But it was. I thought I would have a fight on my hands when I told my husband we should join, but he simply agreed. For about six months, we had phenomenal teaching under a super knowledgeable pastor. We learned so much about God in a short time period of time. And so, our faith came by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Astonishingly, nothing worked out for us in Wilkesboro. About a year after leaving Pinehurst, we found ourselves going straight back! I had been contacted by my boss a couple of months earlier, and immediately after unpacking my last box in Wilkesboro, my husband was contacted by his old boss with an offer he couldn’t refuse. This is God moment number four for me. God worked everything out so that we went right back to where we were… same jobs, same church and even a house within a mile of the one we sold (at first). The only difference? We had changed. We were not the same as when we left a year earlier. This time, we were a little hungrier for God’s word. We wanted more.

Keep bearing with me… I’m getting there. God moment number five? We arrived in Pinehurst too late to teach or join any committees. We arrived just in time to be fed God’s word for a solid year. Our Sunday School class? We studied When God’s People Pray, and then spent the rest of the year meeting every Sunday morning for prayer. My first Sunday evening Bible study? Beth Moore’s Believing God. Believing God is a study about faith. And you know what. Until yesterday morning, I kind of forgot about what that study entailed. This is the part that blew me away. This is the part that showed me just how closely God has His eye on me… on me!

When I began this blog, I didn’t know I was going to review my journals. When I realized I would review them, I thought I would begin during the Spring of 2010. I had no thought about the time leading up to then, so I surely didn’t think about this Believing God study. When I began this blog, I didn’t realize my first few God moments would be faith moments. And when I thought about a timeline months ago, I did not remember I had already done one! Do you know I found a detailed timeline – from the time I was born up to 2009 – inside that Believing God workbook! God knew I would see it! He led me straight to it. And amazingly, before time began, God knew my faith was going to be shaken in January of 2013. And so He knew what I would need to see. He led me to recording God moments. He wanted me to see those first moments revolving around faith. Faith made me His. Two times He led me to good churches, where I heard the word of God and my faith grew. He brought me back to Pinehurst at the very best time… too late to volunteer for things that would take me away from His word, but in enough time to start out the new church year and not miss any of the new studies… more hearing of His word, faith growing. See, God didn’t let me go too far before He brought me back to Him. And it was through His word that I began to have faith in Him. God needed to remind me of this. Because it’s what I’ve been lacking lately. I have been disbelieving.

Matthew 9:23-24 is so personal to me. Because it involves a man and his child. Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

This was me. I lost my faith in God. My son was ailing. Never so much that he suffered… just things, one after the other. And I became discouraged. I didn’t think God was going to take care of him. And so, it was the night of my son’s high fever that I cried out to God. I must have felt similar to this man. In one breath, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

Why am I blown away? Because God is so intimate with the details of my life. I had a crisis of faith in January, and so God took me back to a time when I had faith in Him. I believed once before… and I’ll do so again. I echo that prayer, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

Faith to Faith

by Pam Anderson2 Comments on Faith to Faith

I stand amazed in the presence of God this day. I am constantly bowled over by how God puts together pieces of my life, and it’s in the looking back that I can see just how involved He has been in my entire journey. All of it – even in the silences. I pray He’ll guide me through this blog journey, because I know there’s a reason for it. I know I’m putting all this out there for someone. He is real, He is active, and He is simply waiting for someone to come to Him. He’s waiting for that one to seek Him with their whole heart, that they may be constantly bowled over just as I am. I feel certain I am to detail my journey step by step, so someone can follow me right into the arms of Jesus. Because you know what… although I became a child of God in February of 1997, it was not till very recently that I came to understand just what it is that Jesus did… for me. Someone else may need to understand it, too.

Do you have your journal yet? If you’re not already one who journals, please start. It is completely eye opening when you look back. I didn’t begin a journal until the Spring of 2010. Now, I have ten completed journals (composition notebooks), and I have just started my eleventh. The eleventh is my journal review notebook (of the previous ten journals). I have two other notebooks I just started, one entitled “God Moments,” and the other, “Answered Prayer.” I wanted something special for those occasions, so the BIG things wouldn’t get lost in the other journals. I also have a journal dedicated to Scripture memorization. I don’t put Scripture in until I’ve memorized it. This one I began in December. I also have a journal dedicated to my little boy. I’m recording special prayers and the things he’s said to me. Perhaps I’ll pass this on to him when he graduates from high school. I also have a notebook dedicated to book ideas. And in addition to all these journals, I have completed three manuscripts since the fall of 2011. All this writing from someone who never, ever had any inclination to do so.

It was on March the 1st that I began my God Moments journal. I thought it would commence with the Spring of 2010, just as my journals do. But I realized I had to go further back. That’s because I became a child of God in February of 1997. This is where it all began with God & me, and so that was the first recorded God moment. He saved me through His Son, so that is the most important God moment. Because if I didn’t have His Son, I wouldn’t have Him. To become God’s child, I had to have faith… faith that God is who He says He is, and faith that Jesus is who He says He is. This is where it all began. Faith.

Soon after becoming a child of God in 1997, I began helping my pastor’s wife with the Acteens (a group of teen girls who learn about missionaries). You know what… those teen girls should have been teaching me about God. They knew far more than I did, as most of them grew up in church. I knew NOTHING! I knew the basics… I was a sinner and in need of Jesus to save me. That’s it. I didn’t know anything else. And yet, I jumped into a leadership role. Now, I wasn’t the leader… I was assisting someone else. But in hindsight, I had no business doing what I was doing. I didn’t even know what I was doing… I should have been sitting in church, soaking up God’s word. See, faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). But because I immediately jumped into activity, I didn’t hear as much of God’s word as I should have. And so, my faith wasn’t built up. I was too busy.

And so, it’s no wonder that when my husband and I moved away in January of 1999 that I simply fell away from God. Because my faith had not been established. I had the basics, but that’s it. And because I wasn’t grounded in my faith, it didn’t take hold. Over time, my faith dwindled away to pretty much nothing. Activity first drew me away from God, and then, I moved away and completely left Him out of my life. Oh, we did join a church when we moved to Pennsylvania. But my heart wasn’t in it. We then moved three more times, attempting half-hearted searches for churches along the way. However, the searches never amounted to anything. And so, it was not until around November of 2004, seven years after I became His, that I find my next God moment.

When we moved to Pinehurst, North Carolina, I again attempted to find a church. Unlike in previous years, the very first church was it! Immediately, I felt a connection with the people and with the pastor. My husband went with me the following Sunday, and I was shocked when he filled out the visitor card to include both our phone number and our address!! This was completely unlike him. And you know, although it doesn’t really sound like one, this was in fact a God moment… my second. But you would have had to know me and my husband, and who we were at that time in our lives, to see what a God moment this truly was. And what blows me away is that God is so faithful. Even when we’re not… even if we’re away from Him for over five years. And I was, because I had left Him behind.

I’m thankful God led my husband and I to that church in Pinehurst. Because while there, we began to hear the word of God again. We enjoyed that church so much, we jumped in with both feet. We made friends and took part in Sunday School. We took part in discipleship classes and began to hear God’s word on a consistent basis. And so what happened next was only natural… my faith was built up. It’s as if I picked up with God right where I left off years earlier. God did not let me get too far before pulling me back to Him. He remained faithful, even when I was not, and gave me just what I needed when I needed it the most. He does that for all of us.

And so today, I know… my journey began with faith, and it will end with faith. And what happens in between faith to faith has a lot to do with where I am today.

For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.” Romans 1:17

Can I trust you with my heart?

by Pam Anderson3 Comments on Can I trust you with my heart?

Yesterday was one of my favorite postings. Because I feel like the past few years (or longer) has been nothing but a giant struggle. But you know, I don’t dare place my struggle on the same plane as some of those I know. I know people who have struggled, or are struggling, mightily. My step-mother-in-law just had her second kidney removed. She is struggling. I have two aunts who lost their children. They’re struggling. I have a friend and both of her sons have a disease. She’s struggling. I have an aunt who is estranged from her sons. She’s struggling. This aunt also happens to be having a cardiac catheterization this week, and she said something intriguing. In thinking about her procedure, she said, “The bible verse “trust in the Lord with all your heart” is taking on a new connotation for me.” Yes, I am surrounded by a myriad of hurting people who have fought tangible battles, and who are still fighting. And there are so many more.

My struggles are different. Because when I contemplate my time on earth, I have had no major upheavals to overcome. When I look at the course of my life, it seems to have gone along quite smoothly. Outwardly, everything looks just fine. But inwardly, that’s another story. Inward is where my struggles lie, and my heart and mind are the battlefield. I’ll give you an example through a child’s movie. We had a snow day on Wednesday, so my family watched Finding Nemo. The first scene is really quite something. The dad, Marlin, and his wife, Coral, are looking over their new home. Their babies (eggs) are nearby, and everything looks just great. But then a barracuda arrives on the scene. The parents look on in fear, and Marlin orders Coral into the house. But she just stares at that threatening fish, and then she fights for the lives of her children. She swims for them… but, she doesn’t make it. And none of her babies make it… except one. And I have to say, in all the times I’ve seen Finding Nemo, the movie never got to me as much as it did this time. Because I realized… I am both Coral and Marlin.

I have a son who is six and a half years old. And I just have to say that I’ve lived in fear most of his existence. It began immediately after he was born. I could barely sleep at night for fear he would stop breathing. Several times a night, I would place my hand on his chest to feel it rise and fall, and I still do this now, just before I go to bed. After the breathing, came eating. I feared every bite would choke him to death. And that little dickens knew somehow. He was about two and a half when he filled his mouth to capacity, and then looked over to me, opening his mouth wide as he could for me to see inside! See, fear must have been oozing from my pores because even at that tender age, my son knew I was scared. And there are other fears, losing him in the grocery store, him getting hit by a car, and on and on and on. I have been living in fear from the day my son was born. Do you know what God says about that? “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18. Quite clearly, I have not been perfected in God’s love.

Finding Nemo was eye opening. I could see myself in Marlin. He was terrified of everything after the tragic death of his wife and children. And because of his fear, he smothered his one remaining son. He didn’t want to let Nemo do anything. He didn’t trust Nemo, or anyone else for that matter. And that’s me! I am just like Marlin. And I can see myself in Coral, too. See, she fought for her children… to death. Any mother would. We love them so much, we would do anything for them. Our children are tied to our hearts… why, they are our hearts. We feel everything they do. When they cry, we cry. When they laugh, we laugh (usually). I love my son so much, and the thought of losing him nearly incapacitates me. And because of fear, I barely live. And through that fear, I’ve hindered my child.

Everything came to a head this past January. It all began in July. My son developed a skin condition (they say it’s Psoriasis). He still has this. Among other sicknesses, he had some sort of allergic reaction in December that lasted three days. Not sure what that was. Through this time period, my son got to where he couldn’t hear us. Thus, an ensuing ENT visit, which led to ear tubes, both of which blew out because his infection was so bad. Now, I know these are all minor issues. But not to me. Because I lived in fear from the day my son was born, these issues just heightened my fear. And this past winter, fear grew exponentially. The morning of my son’s ear procedure, I despaired. I honestly believed that God was going to take him from me. I know, irrational thinking, but this is what I thought. I cried the whole time I was in the shower, and I cried as I saw them put my son to sleep. Despite the fear that held me captive, my son came out just fine. It was the day after the procedure that the tubes blew out. By that point, I was undone. Eventually the infection went away, but the fear remained. And so, it was this past February when God & me had a moment.

On February 9th, my son developed a pretty high fever. After my husband went to bed, I gave my son Tylenol, but about 45 minutes later his temperature began to rise again. When it hit 103.5, I broke. I knelt before my bed and cried out to God. He already knew my fear, for He knows my heart. But I never wanted to voice it before (superstitious?). But that night, I talked to God about my fear. I prayed for that little boy and his fever… for healing. And not just for the fever, but for everything else that plagued his body. It was a night I surrendered to God, and wept before Him. I knew only God could heal my boy, and me. Because although my son is the one who had all sickness, I believe the battle over his body was actually being fought within my very heart.

I’d like to say that after that night, fear left me forever. But it hasn’t completely. See, this is one of my struggles and it’s an ongoing battle. Two-steps forward and one-step back with each skirmish. But you know, last night a new thought struck me. I think it must have stemmed from my aunt’s remark about trusting God with her heart. See, my son is my heart. How could he not be? And it was within this past year that my husband and I had a ceremony at our home, consecrating ourselves to God. We did this last Spring, and from sincere hearts gave all of ourselves to God. And that included our son. Last night, I remembered 2 Timothy 1:12, but rather than thinking about me, I heard it in light of my son… “For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that day.” Yes… my son! I committed him to the Lord not that long ago. God is fully able to keep him. Whatever takes place with my son (good or bad) is in God’s hands! He will allow nothing to happen to my son outside His will. And so, I think that truth finally sunk in last night.

There’s an older country song I love. It’s Travis Tritt who sings out, “Can I trust you with my heart?” Well, my son is my heart, and God knows this about me. Last night, when I reflected on 2 Timothy 1:12, it was as if God were asking me, “Can you trust Me with your heart?” Yes, I believe I can.

Why do it at all?

by Pam Anderson2 Comments on Why do it at all?

You know… in reading some of my blogs, it sure sounds like a lot of work in coming to know God. I’m sure some people may even think, “Why do it at all?” And you know what… I confess there have been times that I’ve thought the same thing. Because I’ve personally experienced smooth sailing when I floated atop the surface of God’s living waters. And I swear, I don’t think I have ever struggled throughout my whole life as much as I have within these past few years. It’s as if the struggling intensified as soon as I decided to go deeper with God. Oh, I had plenty of dark times before my God & me moment of 2010. It was desperation that drove me to Him in the first place. But it seems as if the hard times have come closer and closer together, lengthening in duration, ever since then. Almost like labor pains.

For me, I drifted for quite some time after becoming a child of God. My husband and I moved around quite a bit because of his job. At first, it was great… but then we moved somewhere I really hated. I was thoroughly miserable while we lived up North, but for some reason, I didn’t turn to God. We moved several times more before I finally surrendered, but by then I had accumulated some excess baggage in my heart. That’s what I’m working on now… getting rid of my old junk. I thought I accomplished that this past fall, but deep down, I know something is still not right. Anyway, I’m veering off course. The question remains, “Why do it at all?” Quite simply, I am persuaded. See, when I became God’s child sixteen years ago, I committed my heart to Him. And 2 Timothy 1:12 says it beautifully, “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”

Clearly, there will be suffering. But, I will not be ashamed! For I am persuaded that He is able to keep (guard) what I committed to Him, which was my heart. Not only that, I now have a track record with God. I mentioned all the starts and stops with God earlier this week. All those beginnings and endings. Well you know, I may have had some bad endings… but through each bad ending, I learned something about myself. Each time I started out, for God, and ended badly, for me, I realized something about me that shouldn’t be a part of me at all! And when we come to a realization like that, well, that’s called victory. Because when we can identify what’s wrong with us, we can confront it. And through the power of God, we can defeat it. And do you know what else? On the other side of those struggles lies glory. I know it, because I’ve experienced it. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory…” This, my friend, is the purpose of our struggles. Through each one, we are being transformed into the image of Christ. It’s through struggle after struggle that we reach glory to glory.

I imagine there is no one else who’s struggled with God quite like Jacob. He physically wrestled with God. In Genesis 32 we read, “Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks,” But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” Jacob held on to God. He refused to let go until he received the blessing. God then renamed Jacob, saying, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

Why do it at all? Why continue to venture closer and closer to God, when all it seems to do is cause more and more strife? Because I am fully persuaded. Because on the other side of each struggle is glory. And because when I hold on to God, refusing to let go, there will be blessing. I will struggle again and again, but each time I come out on the other side, I am that much closer to God. With each hardship I face, I will be one step closer to knowing Him. And knowing Him is exactly what I purposed in my heart two and a half years ago. There was a verse that propelled me towards God, but it was only the first half of Philippians 3:10 that I focused on. I now know the verse is talking about God’s Son. And it’s only now that I can begin to identify with the second half of the verse… that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death…

Here on earth, we will suffer and we will struggle. Jesus did, and so shall we. But rather than run from our struggles, and from God, may we be like Jacob who clung tightly to God. May we tell Him that we will not let go… not until He blesses us. Like Jacob, may we struggle with God and with men, and prevail. And then, it will come… blessing. There will be that glorious Day, for He’s promised it. That’s why I do it.

First Love

by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment on First Love

As some of you may know, I’m reviewing my old journals. Last week, it became apparent to me that I am to scrutinize the journals looking for God moments (to be recorded into their own special book). I later realized I am to examine my heart along the way. And I sure hope someone else is doing this along with me. Anyway, I cannot seem to move beyond the first three pages of my first journal. I’m stuck there!! Because those first three pages are completely telling. I can see exactly what I was focused on, simply by the titles of the two books I read. On 4/5/10 I read The Prayer of Jabez, and on 4/13/10 I read A Life God Rewards. Both of these are wonderful books. However, with what I’m learning about me, I’m seeing something ugly. I told you, this blog should be called “the ugly truth about God & me!”

I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with what Jabez prayed. Basically, he asked God to bless him. And there’s nothing wrong with that. However, because I followed up with a book about reward, I think it’s pretty obvious where my heart lay just under three years ago. “Bless me, Oh Lord,” and “Reward me, Oh Lord.” That’s where I was almost three years ago, and I just have to ask myself today, have I moved on from that state of mind? Or, am I camped out at blessing and reward for me, just as I’m camped out over the first three pages of my old journal? If I am camped out at blessing and reward for me, and I believe I am, then what’s missing from my life? What do I lack? Because I can assure you, I have been striving to know God. I have been striving to please Him. I have been striving to serve Him. And you know what, I believe that’s my answer right there. I’ve been striving, and I’ve been laboring. And so, from a letter that John penned to the church of Ephesus, I think it’s clear what’s missing from my life…

“I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” Revelation 2:2-4.

Where’s the love? Apparently, I’ve left my first love… God. Because if I really loved God, wouldn’t I be concerned with what He’s concerned with. Don’t we care about what our loved ones care about? And since God cares for people, shouldn’t I? You know, this past year, I have been praying to know God’s love. Not just to have it for other people, but that I would know how very much He loves me. See, I have that knowledge in my head, but for the life of me, I cannot seem to feel His love. Not for me, and not for those in need around me. I can’t say that I’ve truly experienced the love of God. I know, I know, wise Christians will tell me that I can’t base my salvation or relationship with God on my feelings. Feelings are fickle, and I’m only human. But, doesn’t God want me to feel His love? What prohibits me from feeling it? Well, Revelation 2:5 tells me, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works…”

So, from where have I fallen, and what are those first works? Well, it began in February of 1997. That’s when I became His. That’s when I realized how much God loves me, because He gave His only begotten Son for me. That’s when He became my first, true love. Because He is True and He is Love. But, it wasn’t long before I fell away from Him. He is from where I have fallen… and those first works? What does Jesus tell us? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” And He says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And again, “You’ve neglected the weightier matters of the law; justice and mercy and faith,” and again, “But go and learn what this means, I desire mercy and not sacrifice.” All of this begins with love, and love covers a multitude of sins. And if we can simply remember how much He loves us, to death, then we should be able to love Him wholeheartedly and sincerely. So much so, that we naturally do all those things He commands us to do.

You know, it was two and a half years ago I purposed to know God. It began with knowledge. I wanted to know about God, and the things He required of me. And so, the knowledge of God soon turned to a true desire to spend time with Him. And I believe this blog is the fruit of that prayer. Because through the blog, I realized I was to go through my journals again. And through the search of my old notes, God is ushering me straight into the light and warmth of His love. It’s through this journal review that God is showing me just how much He loves me. He was my first true love, but over time, I forgot. But He reminds me of my first love… He reminds me of Himself.

And so, for this reason I shall bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named. I pray that I, and that those reading this, will be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height- that we all may know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that we may all be filled with the fullness of God (taken from Ephesians 3:14-19).

See, I started by gaining knowledge. But the love of Christ surpasses that knowledge. And when the truth of how very deeply God really loves me settles in my heart, I will have no trouble doing the first works. Because when I return to Him, my first love, my heart will begin to resemble His. And He loves people. Perhaps as the days go on, my outlook will be more about blessing them than about blessing me.

The Doctor’s Orders

by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment on The Doctor’s Orders

I’m quite familiar with medical exams here lately. My son has been in and out of doctors’ offices more times than I can count in the past six months. One thing after another, over and over I had to schedule appointments. And with each medical exam, my desire was for my son to heal. I noticed that with each visit to the doctor, the exams began the same… the nurses started with my son’s temperature. Because his temperature was important to the exam. If it was too high, that could mean something wasn’t right in my son’s little body. And that begs the thought, is there a spiritual thermometer, too? Because I am fully convinced I am to be examining this heart of mine right now. I am sure that God, who is the Great Physician, has called me to this self-examination. It was recently that I stumbled across notes in my old journal, “Heart – examine myself.” But how do I do that? Just as with a medical exam, isn’t the temperature of my heart necessary for my spiritual exam? And why examine my heart at all? For what purpose has the appointment been made with the Great Physician? Well, to be honest, the desire for myself is the same desire I had for my son with each of his visits…. healing. I want to be healed.

Physically, I’m okay, other than this sore throat. I have no complaint – no need of a medical doctor. But nonetheless, I do have need of healing. Because the truth is, my heart is not quite right. Unlike bodily (a fever being a bad thing), spiritually, our hearts should be feverish. In fact, we should be on fire for God. So, basically, it’s as if the heart itself is the spiritual thermometer. And right now, I believe the mercury of my heart is registering too low. Do you know what God says about that? In the book of Revelation, John wrote to the church of Laodicea about temperature. “These things says the Amen, the Faithful and True Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God: ‘I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of My mouth.'” Revelation 3:14-16. Lukewarm… that sounds about right. Because I don’t think I’m cold. I’m certainly not without feeling. When I hear something terrible, my heart is moved. I even cry when I hear how someone is suffering or in need. However, what do I do next? When I hear about someone suffering, do I act? Or am I complacent? Yep, I am beginning to see… lukewarm. That is my spiritual temperature. That must be the reason for this exam. Because my temperature is too low, that indicates there’s a problem.

My symptoms? Let’s see… bitterness, wrath, anger. Yes, I’ve had those symptoms. How long? Well, I’m quite certain it’s been ten years, no, wait… more like sixteen years. Yes, that’s right, my temperature is lukewarm, and my symptoms are bitterness, wrath, anger (and more). So what does this mean? Is there hope? Can I be cured? Can I be healed? What can the Great Physician prescribe for my ailments? What will alleviate my pain? And so He tells me. Or should I say, He reminds me. Because some verses come to mind that I’ve read more than a time or two. And His prescription is found in Isaiah 58:6-8. This is the medicine God has chosen for me… for my healing:

“Is this not the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you…”

Wait a minute… this medicine God has selected has nothing to do with me and my symptoms. It seems to have everything to do with everyone else… aside from me. This is what will heal me? I believe the Great Physician says yes. I believe the key to my healing is to take my eyes off of of me, for once, and just look around. I’m supposed to share with those in need, help the poor and feed the hungry. And when I look beyond me, I will see there is great need. Yes, I need healing, but there are those very near to me who need healing, and so much more. You know, I recently wrote about new life springing forth from this heart of mine. But now I see something else will spring forth, too. When I look beyond me and see the dire need of others, this lukewarm heart of mine should heat up. And when my heart temperature begins to rise, I should be moved to action (beyond this complacency). And when I stop focusing on myself, and put others’ needs before mine, my healing shall spring forth. It’s what the Doctor ordered.

A Beautiful Start

by Pam Anderson1 Comment on A Beautiful Start

The start of something is a beautiful thing. Like a new day. Not every day has a glorious sunrise, but so many do. And the sunsets are just as magnificent to behold. In fact, there are many days that have both a glorious beginning and ending. And in thinking back over my life (with God), I can see there have been many glorious starts, too. Each one brimming with possibility, but more often than not, ending not as pretty as some of the sunsets I’ve beheld. That’s because a lot of my beautiful “starts” do not hold their original intent. Because what started out for God slowly morphed into something else. A lot of those glorious starts didn’t end prettily, because they ended… for me.

I became a child of God in February of 1997. That was a good start. But I fell so far away from Him, no one would have known I was His. In 2004, I moved to Pinehurst. While there, I dove into our new church and all it had to offer. I grew there (spiritually speaking). It was a great start. But, over time, I came to be bitter and complaining. It didn’t end well… because of me. In the late summer/early fall of 2010, I sought to know God. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” And that I did… I started well. But too soon after, I slid away from Him in my busyness. I went downhill pretty fast. In the summer of 2011, it was with renewed vigor that I sought God. And once again, I encountered God’s glory and light. I climbed up high that time, only to take a big tumble in January/February of 2012. And then came September of 2012. I was pretty low. But this past September became the start of something new… something beautiful… or so I thought.

Yes, I am realizing that over time there have been many, many, many starts and stops with God. I would begin by seeking Him, only to be pulled away by busyness, hardship… or something worse. And I believe that “something worse” is the heart of this self-examination. In fact, this self-exam has everything to do what lies at the center of my heart. Because what’s becoming glaringly obvious is a pattern. A pattern of a beautiful start, for God, followed by an ugly ending… for me.

God sent me home in the fall of 2010. This was within weeks of my whole-hearted search for God. And so naturally, I wanted to praise Him for that. I felt the nudging to write a book during the summer of 2011, soon after settling into my home in Virginia. When I caught wind of a Christian women’s writing contest, that gave me the push I needed. And I began that book with my heart in the right place. I sincerely wanted to glorify God. I wanted to write about how real He is, and how He worked in my life. And so, I churned out over 45,000 words within three months. I gushed about answered prayer, erroneously believing God to have sent me home simply because I wanted to go there. The honest truth? I thought He rewarded me for my good behavior while in North Carolina. Not long after completing the manuscript, I began to want and to crave. But my desire was not so much about God anymore. I began to long to be something more than what I was. I wanted to be a somebody, and so having a published book would give me status. And so, what started off with good intentions (the book was to be a standing stone for God – a memorial to Him), turned into something for me.

And now there’s the blog. My heart was in the right place… true to Him. It was a beautiful start. But you know… numbers are a big thing in the world today. I found myself going to the stats section just a little too often, wondering how many visitors there were to the site. And so the pattern emerges. Beautiful starts, for God, turn to me. And the truth is… that “something worse” that lies in my heart is my selfish nature. I honestly want to do and be for God, but then I get wrapped up in how what I’m doing could be a benefit to me. And as much as I want it to be wholeheartedly for God, there is an ugly part of me that inserts itself into something beautiful. The ugliness makes its presence known in the form of pride and self-seeking. God help me! It’s a pattern, and I’m seeing it so clear today.

I began reviewing my old journals on Friday, but I’m stuck on the first few pages. Examine my heart jumped off the pages at me, but I neglected to notice a reference to Hebrews 10:22 until yesterday. My version of the Bible shows, “Let us draw near with a true heart…” I also like the NLT version, which reads, “Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts…” A heart that’s true…. a heart that’s sincere. Quite frankly, I cannot say that my heart has been 100% sincere. Because God told me about three years ago to examine mine. And I didn’t. And so I’m told a second time… examine my heart. My daily calendar (which has Scripture for each day) shows, “stay true to the Lord.” In this self-exam, I just have to ask myself have I done so. Have I stayed true to God? Well, no. Not always. I have many, many starts with Him… each time drawing near with a true heart, only to find myself pulled away by my own shortcomings. And so, I reflect on that time two and a half years ago. I sought Him with my whole heart, and so what’s happening with me today stems from that day. And in reality, what happened with me two and a half years ago stems from a day just over sixteen years ago, when I first trusted that Jesus died for me and my sins. That’s the day I became a child of God. And ultimately, that is my beautiful start. It’s the only start. Because in truth, we really have only one beginning and one ending with God… the ending being the day we’re done here on earth.

Today, I can know with assurance that He’s not done with me yet. We can all know that. And what should be exciting to us all is that today (no matter how many years we’ve walked with God) is really just the beginning with Him! With Him in our lives, we’re all off to a beautiful start.

New Life

by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment on New Life

Here it comes! It’s March… and although it’s bitter cold and there’s a chance of snow this week, I’ve seen daffodils springing forth and robins flying. And last week, I heard Spring peepers peeping and my dad planted his onions. Oh, there’ll be more cold weather, but there’s no doubt, Spring is upon us. And to me, that means new life. And I am so ready. And I’m not just talking about the earth. I’m talking about new life inside me. Are you ready, too? Although this blog is called “the truth about God & me,” I’m sure it must also be about you (whoever may be reading this). I think God wants us to journey together… alongside one another. Because He wants for us all to have new life.

On my end, the timing is perfect for new life. See, it was just last week that I decided to go through all my old journals looking for God moments. My plan is to pore through each one looking for those spiritual markers, to log into a seperate journal. And I’ll have ample time for this task, as I’ve come to a stopping point of sorts with my Bible studies. I am, however, still reading Priscilla Shirer’s The Resolution for Women. I thought about putting it aside during my return to the past, but I realized I should finish what I started. So this past Friday, I started with the book. And I’m thankful I did. Because had I put it aside as I originally planned, I would have missed something big. The auther mentioned the apostle Paul, and his letters to the Corinthians. In 1 Corinthians 11:28, he said, “But let a man examine himself…” And basically, he repeated himself in 2 Corinthians 13:5, “Examine yourselves…” Actually, in the 2 Corinthians passage, he prefaced the command with, “This will be the third time I am coming to you,” and “I have told you before…” Honestly, that stopped me in my tracks. Because Paul told the Corinthians to examine themselves not once, but twice. This spoke to me because I am getting ready to delve into my past… not for the first time, but for the second time. And since I have felt prompted to not of my own accord, it’s as if God has said go back, not once, but twice.

After my reading, I opened up my brand new journal. The date was March the 1st, which I thought was fitting – a new journal, a new month… and now, a new life! So I opened up my old journal of 2010 and laid it alongside my new journal of 2013, pen poised and ready for action. And I found something. Within three pages of my old journal, I think I found the reason I am supposed to revisit my past… again. I thought it was simply to find those special moments with God, to be logged into my “God moments” journal. And yes, I believe God still means for me to do that. But, there’s something more.

The very first entry of 2010 sounds like I had it all together. On 3/31 I had a whole list of what I believed God wanted me to do. But that’s it… a list. There wasn’t another entry until 4/5 (pretty brief), and then there it was. On 4/13, I see my own handwriting reiterating what I had just read in Corinthians moments earlier. “Heart – examine myself.” Yes, it’s clear. God wanted me to examine my heart then. But you know what? I don’t think I ever did. Because I didn’t make another entry until August of 2010. It was in August and September when I came to my God & me moment. It was in August and September that I was so desperate that I had no choice but to turn to Him. But as for the immediate time period leading up to God & me…. nothing! There is a four month period I cannot account for. But what’s clear to me today is I didn’t do what God said to do. And although I looked through my journals not so long ago, there must be something more. Perhaps I didn’t dig deep enough.

It was not long ago, I cried out to God in prayer. I prayed Psalm 139. “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” When I prayed that, I meant every word. The reason being, I thought my heart was upright. Honestly, I felt pretty good about myself and confident that God would find nothing wrong inside me. But you know, it was not long after I prayed this sincere prayer that I went down. God already knows the wickedness that lies in my heart, but He wants me to know, too. And so He says, loud and clear, “Examine myself.” Not just once, but twice. And so, there’s excitement on my part. Because in the first day of delving into my old journals, I found something important. And obviously, I overlooked it the first time. Yes, there’s more to be found. It is with renewed vigor I’ll search my journals. And in doing so, I’ll search my heart. I’ll examine myself.

It’s almost Springtime. Farmers and gardeners are preparing the earth. Meanwhile, through my self-examination, God will be preparing my heart. And once He’s done with the pruning, there’s no telling what may spring forth from this heart of mine. I’m ready… are you? Do you have your journal yet? If not, why not get one. Start digging deep, and examine your heart alongside me. Lets let God prune our hearts, rooting out the weeds of bitterness, sadness, or whatever else chokes out life. And once He’s done with us, may new life spring forth from us all.

The Desire of Your Heart

by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment on The Desire of Your Heart

I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but underneath my blog address there’s a tagline. At first, I didn’t realize I could change it, so it showed, “Smile” followed by some other words. When I figured out I could change it, I placed the words, “That they may know,” because those words mean something to me. However, they may not mean anything at all to someone else, or could just be plain confusing. So I simplified things by showing, “God & me.” But you know, yesterday morning I almost changed it again! I actually typed in something, but then changed it back. I thought if anyone notices the changes, they’re going to wonder what in the world I’m doing. But you know, I believe I’ll go ahead and make that one last change.  Hopefully, this one will stick. “The truth about God & me” is what this blog shall be called. Because that’s it in a nutshell. For me to write about God, I have to write about me. The truth part? Well, I entertained calling the blog, “The ugly truth about God & me.” Because I have to say, the closer I get to God, the uglier I have become. That is truth.

In September of 2010, I had two heartfelt prayers. One, “Please God, send me to Virginia, and SEND ME NOW!” The other was a newer request, but just as deep, “Please God, may I KNOW You!” And so, in addition to praying, I dug in where I was. Because despite knowing that God would send me to Virginia, I knew my inheritance would be delayed. So I began facilitating a women’s discipleship class. We studied When God’s People Pray. Well, my husband changed things up on me. You can imagine my surprise when he announced mid-month that he had emailed his resume to two companies in Virginia. WHAT? That wasn’t the plan, so I can assure you I was stunned. But elated. I was ready for Virginia any time. And let me tell you, I knew God was in our midst. Because one company contacted him immediately, and interviewed him by phone that Sunday! I was crushed because it didn’t work out. And so when Monday rolled around, I was pretty gloomy. I took my son to pre-school that morning, but once I made it back home, I couldn’t even make it out of the car before I broke down. I cried out to God, sincerely, about my distress. I wanted to go home! And then, just hours later there was another phone call. But this time it was a job prospect not 15 minutes from my hometown!! UNBELIEVABLE! By Friday, September the 24th, my husband had a job in VIRGINIA. God answered my prayer.

BUT… which prayer? Up till this past Summer, I thought He answered my ten year prayer request to send me home. Now I don’t think so. Because the newest development in my life was that I sincerely wanted to know God… with all my heart. Never before had I felt that way. As far as Virginia goes, I believe I was the hold up all along. My priorities were backward… Virginia first, and everything else afterward. No. God first, and everything else afterward. It was not till September of 2010 that I ever gave priority to God. Or tried to. That was the first time I somewhat relented. I surrendered in a sense, to where I was and what He wanted me to do. We’ve all heard the verse, “Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.” We know the words, but do we truly understand them? Because if we really sought His kingdom, all the other stuff would not be so important. It’s only in looking back that I can see, Virginia was the kingdom I sought. And until I sought God, it was out of reach.

God listens and hears. He answers prayer. But sometimes He waits. Sometimes we’re the very ones that hold up what we want the most because our hearts are out of sync. But He knows our hearts… He knows what we want and why we want it. And so, He waits for our hearts catch up with Him. With me, the wait lasted ten years. Why? Because my heart was not in sync with His. I wanted something desperately, and I wanted it more than I wanted Him. But finally, I turned to Him. I came to want Him in my life just because. And you know, when you delight yourself also in the LORD, He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4. And so that’s the prayer God answered. He gave me the desire of my heart and my desire was for Him. And in His infinite mercy, He used my hometown to give me Himself.

Is there something you want desperately? Do you want it more than God? He already knows the answer to those questions, but do you? I didn’t… not for a long time. But I’m encouraged. I’m slowly learning that God is a giver, not a taker. And His gifts are good. It’s apparent He doesn’t want to withhold any good thing from us, for He gave His only Son. So, today, take delight in the LORD, and may He give you the desire of your heart. May He be your desire.