Help my unbelief!

Yesterday, I wrote about standing amazed in the presence of God. And I’m still amazed. And I couldn’t get it all down in one blog. It was just too much information to try to convey. But I have to, because what I found truly blows me away. Bear with me as I try to get this down. This past January, I went through something pretty big with God. What took place revolved completely around my son, but had everything to do with my heart. And the reality is I was having a crisis of faith! I honestly believed God was going to take my child. I didn’t believe He would heal my son. It’s not that I doubted He could heal. I just didn’t think He was going to show Himself strong… for me. I can’t really say when I first realized I was having doubts about God (I’m sure I’ll see exactly when I get there in my journal review). But I don’t think it was something that happened overnight. I believe faith slowly ebbed away without my realizing it until I was in crisis mode in January.

And so, after the crisis was averted, I felt sure I was to start a blog. Actually, it was the week after my son’s high fever that I felt assurance… yes, a blog! And so, I began without really knowing what I would write day to day. I had an idea, but nothing set out in stone. After speaking with my friend, I came to the conclusion I was to review all my journals because she had mentioned setting apart those God moments. I had a similar thought earlier, but more along the lines of a timeline. So, it was evident to me that I was to review the journals right along with blogging. Later I realized the review was multi-purpose (God moments along with an exam of my heart). I began journal review on March 1, but have been camped out on the first few pages ever since. And it was just yesterday I realized to accurately record the God moments, I needed to go further back. I had to revisit when I became His, and what happened afterward. Please, bear with me… I want you to see something BIG.

Yesterday I talked about my second God moment. My husband and I were drawn to a church in which we consistently heard the word of God. Thus, fresh faith. Well, after several years my husband and I decided to leave town. Our son was small, and we (mainly me) wanted to be near family. I decided we could not afford Virginia, so we headed out to western North Carolina to be with my in-laws. We sold our home, quit our jobs and took off expecting to find greatness. We didn’t find it. But while there, I did have my third God moment. Once again, it involved a church. We were floating from church to church, and decided to visit my sister-in-law’s church one more time before settling for another. We had never really cared for her church because it was contemporary (lots of music). We were used to a more traditional service. But despite our never really caring for the church during previous visits, we were completely won over when we visited. Okay, another episode that seems like a not so big God moment. But it was. I thought I would have a fight on my hands when I told my husband we should join, but he simply agreed. For about six months, we had phenomenal teaching under a super knowledgeable pastor. We learned so much about God in a short time period of time. And so, our faith came by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Astonishingly, nothing worked out for us in Wilkesboro. About a year after leaving Pinehurst, we found ourselves going straight back! I had been contacted by my boss a couple of months earlier, and immediately after unpacking my last box in Wilkesboro, my husband was contacted by his old boss with an offer he couldn’t refuse. This is God moment number four for me. God worked everything out so that we went right back to where we were… same jobs, same church and even a house within a mile of the one we sold (at first). The only difference? We had changed. We were not the same as when we left a year earlier. This time, we were a little hungrier for God’s word. We wanted more.

Keep bearing with me… I’m getting there. God moment number five? We arrived in Pinehurst too late to teach or join any committees. We arrived just in time to be fed God’s word for a solid year. Our Sunday School class? We studied When God’s People Pray, and then spent the rest of the year meeting every Sunday morning for prayer. My first Sunday evening Bible study? Beth Moore’s Believing God. Believing God is a study about faith. And you know what. Until yesterday morning, I kind of forgot about what that study entailed. This is the part that blew me away. This is the part that showed me just how closely God has His eye on me… on me!

When I began this blog, I didn’t know I was going to review my journals. When I realized I would review them, I thought I would begin during the Spring of 2010. I had no thought about the time leading up to then, so I surely didn’t think about this Believing God study. When I began this blog, I didn’t realize my first few God moments would be faith moments. And when I thought about a timeline months ago, I did not remember I had already done one! Do you know I found a detailed timeline – from the time I was born up to 2009 – inside that Believing God workbook! God knew I would see it! He led me straight to it. And amazingly, before time began, God knew my faith was going to be shaken in January of 2013. And so He knew what I would need to see. He led me to recording God moments. He wanted me to see those first moments revolving around faith. Faith made me His. Two times He led me to good churches, where I heard the word of God and my faith grew. He brought me back to Pinehurst at the very best time… too late to volunteer for things that would take me away from His word, but in enough time to start out the new church year and not miss any of the new studies… more hearing of His word, faith growing. See, God didn’t let me go too far before He brought me back to Him. And it was through His word that I began to have faith in Him. God needed to remind me of this. Because it’s what I’ve been lacking lately. I have been disbelieving.

Matthew 9:23-24 is so personal to me. Because it involves a man and his child. Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

This was me. I lost my faith in God. My son was ailing. Never so much that he suffered… just things, one after the other. And I became discouraged. I didn’t think God was going to take care of him. And so, it was the night of my son’s high fever that I cried out to God. I must have felt similar to this man. In one breath, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

Why am I blown away? Because God is so intimate with the details of my life. I had a crisis of faith in January, and so God took me back to a time when I had faith in Him. I believed once before… and I’ll do so again. I echo that prayer, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

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