Author: Pam Anderson

At a recent job interview, I was asked, "Who are you?" I stumbled over the question, sputtering what quickly came to mind. I am wife, mother, legal assistant, at home-worker... I left out important tidbits such as I love to read British mysteries and work puzzles. I didn't tell how I can be creative, and that I'm an artist. I left out how music moves my soul... And ever since the day of that question, through His living word, God has shown me I'm more than what I say I am. And so much more than what I didn't utter. Yes, in seven weeks' time, my heavenly Father laid out exactly who I am... And though not exhaustive, the following describes who God says I am. This is me... I am a marked woman, declared righteous and acquitted of all crimes. I am clean, covered in God's feathers, and clothed in Christ. I am redeemed, a woman of excellence. I am loved and chosen, adopted as God's own. Because of Jesus Christ, I am marked but shielded, accused but not condemned. And overcomer. And because I received God's word, I have the full rights of a daughter. A child of God. He gave me the power of choice. I chose life, thus, I am pro-life. I used to be a "proud doer," a product of my own productivity. Nothing more than a man-made object. But God rescued me from all my producing. Thus, I am delivered. A miracle in that I am created anew in Christ Jesus. A new creation... That means I'm God-made. God-wrought. Instead of a proud human-doing, I am a cherished human-being. I am God-built and valuable. Worth more than many sparrows. Because He considered the cost in making me... It cost Him His Son. That's the price God paid to finish me... And I am complete in Him. I am in Christ. That makes me a can-doer, for I can do all things through Him. But, ONLY what He calls me to do. Nothing extra. I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, unto good works which He created before time began. His purposes, not mine. I am a believer and a witness of God's goodness, for He's been so good to me. To the imperfect woman I am, filled with all my weaknesses. But when I am weak, then I am strong. That's when Christ's power is best displayed. And so, because of Him, I am a strong woman. Finally, I am born again. Not by the will of man, but by the will of God. Born of God. Formed in secret, and wonderfully made. God's word tells me I am all of this and so much more... And if I could go back to that job interview, this is the answer I'd give when asked who I am.

The Living Dead

March 19, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

Most everyone has heard John 10:10, “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” Jesus came that we may have life… abundant life. So do we? Are we all living fully and abundantly? Or are we the living dead? I can only speak for myself here, but I have to say I fall into the latter category. I have been barely living. I have been existing. So many of my days consist of me longing for the evening to come. So often, I go through the motions of my day, doing just what I need to do to make it to nightfall. And then, I fall asleep on the couch, take myself to bed, and then wake up to do it all over again. This cannot be what Jesus meant when He said that He came so we may have life.

There’s another verse that comes to mind… “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23). I’m sure this verse is about salvation through Jesus Christ, but when I ponder the first part of that verse, I wonder if it goes deeper than that. Because yes, God wants for all His creation to be saved and have eternal life in heaven. But, I think He also wants us to live here on this earth… fully and abundantly. For His purposes. But sin throws us off course. I feel my life is living proof of just that. I had two abortions when I was young. I cringe as I type that. But what’s done is done and I cannot go back and change it. But, I can change how I move forward in life. Because although I truly repented of that lifestyle years ago, I never brought my specific acts to God. I never really talked to Him about it till this past Fall. And I think that my holding on to those sins, even though I no longer agreed with what I did, has hindered me all these years. That old sin that I carried in the deep recesses of my heart slowly ate away at me. My life slowly ebbed away, until I was simply a shell of a woman. A woman who simply went through the motions in every sense of the word… in every aspect of my life. A woman who did her best to get through each day, so she could get to the evening… a woman who barely lived.

Do you know what God says in Ezekiel 18:32? He says, “For I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies… therefore turn and live!” Man, did this verse jump off the pages at me. Turn and live! Although God is talking to His chosen people of long ago, I’m sure He is also talking to His people of today. I’m sure He wants for us all to listen up, and “Turn and live!” But how do we do that? The preceding verse says, “Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. For why should you die, O house of Israel?” Cast away my sins… I’m in the process of doing that, you know. I began dealing with my past in the Fall, and it’s somehow carried over to now. Because I just made a huge confession on Friday. God’s word assures me that when we confess, and when we repent of our sins, we are forgiven! Because of the blood of Christ, my sins are covered. Can I truly receive His word? Can I trust Him in that, and really once and for all leave what’s past in the past? I pray I can.

I read Ezekiel 37 today. I was totally captivated by God’s word. I felt like each verse was written just for me. I couldn’t get enough of it. I just have to share what I read because God’s vision to Ezekiel still holds true… for all of us. Because you know what? With the exception of a few blessed souls who are really living life the way God intends, most of us are barely living at all. Most of us are going through the motions. Most of us are stagnating in a rut of routine. Most of us are completely hindered by our pasts, refusing to let go and just move forwad. So many of us are complacent… too many of us are comfortable in our bubbles of security. And for some of us, we are dead in our trespasses in every sense of the word. So listen and hear God’s word today…

The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. God said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord, God, You know.” And He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! Because He says, “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live.” So I prophesied as I was commanded, and there was a noise, and suddenly a rattling… the bones came together… bone to bone. God said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, say to the breath, ‘Thus says the LORD God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.'” And breath came into them, and they lived, and stood on their feet. (Portions of Scripture taken from Ezekiel 37:1-14)

Do you want to live? I do. I do not want to go through the motions one more day. I want to live fully and abundantly. I want God to breathe new breath into me, and pour out His Spirit upon me. I want it bad. And He wants it for me. And so all I have to do is turn to Him, and I’ll live. I’ll receive His word… I’ll receive His Spirit… and I’ll receive His promises. Because the gift of God through Christ Jesus our Lord is eternal life… and I’ll grab it with both hands.

Hush, listen… what’s that I hear? Is that the rattling of bones?

Less is more.

March 18, 2013March 18, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

I did something tonight. I trashed two blog drafts. There are still two more drafts that may be trashed. I’m on the fence about those two, because I still feel somewhat impassioned by what was written. I want to tell you why I trashed two drafts, and may trash two more. I think… no, I’m sure… that having four drafts sitting there ready for posting is evidence of a severe lack of faith on my part. Because I began a blog for one purpose only… I was certain God wanted me to. But, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to blog on a consistent basis. Thus, I wanted to have drafts ready… a security blanket, so to speak. So that if I am not inspired one day, there’s something there ready. But what does that say about my faith in God? He has inspired me again and again over the last two and a half years. I have ten full journals. Why now, would I be worried about a shortage of words? Can’t I trust God to inspire me daily, and to write from my heart when I am so moved? Apparently not, because I’ve stored up some words for the times when I’m dry.

And, oh, but I drive myself crazy! Here are some things you may not know about me. I am a bit obsessive. I am detail oriented… almost to a fault. And I love order. I want things to make sense. So, I began a blog… for God. But I wanted it to move along in a way that made sense to me. I wanted it to be chronological and easy to follow. But, God threw a few curve balls at me. First, He had me begin reviewing my old journals. And I ended up camping out on the first three pages for weeks. Then, He led me to something I was not ready for. He moved me to write about my past… the things I kept hidden. I didn’t anticipate writing about that for a long, long time (if ever). Well, that’s thrown off all my drafts. After what I wrote about this past Friday, the four drafts I have ready don’t even make sense! They’re not even fit for posting. I didn’t even want to read them… and they’re about God & me!! And so here I am, at a loss. What next, I ask.

I’ve been trying to write ahead (not trusting God to supply me with words) because I have somehow decided I should write five days a week. Orderly and consistent, right? But why do I feel the need to write every single day? Did God tell me to do that? So basically, I have taken it upon myself to set the minimum (five a week). Not only that… I want to post the blogs in the morning. And do you know what I’ve done? I’ve created pressure. I’ve created a deadline that I don’t think God intended me to have. Because a deadline causes me to force something that may not be ready for posting. It leaves no room for the Holy Spirit’s leading. I don’t think God cares how many days a week I post, or what time of day it goes out. See, quality is far better than quantity. And you know what? Sometimes, less is more.

So here’s what I’m going to do… I will not post a blog for the sake of posting it simply to fill a five day quota. Because if it’s not led by God, well, it’s just not worth posting. I will do my best not to write ahead. Because that doesn’t work. More of those writings end up in the trash than posted, anyway. And more importantly, writing ahead is not trusting God.

I will aim to post a blog only when I am moved or impassioned by the subject. I will not write fluff. And I will always tell the truth. Because the truth about God & me may very well be the truth about you & God.

And, this will be hard for me… I will try my best to write less, but with more significance. Because more often than not, less is more.

P.S. Some of you will get a kick out of this. Immediately after proof reading this blog, I changed the very first sentence to say “Last night” instead of “Tonight.” Because I had every intension of posting this in the morning. I actually went back and forth a couple of times before realizing what I needed to do. Because didn’t I just say I would not write ahead? Didn’t I just say I would post something when I was moved, and there may not be a post every day, and blogs may not go in the morning. I just said this, right? What is wrong with me?? So this goes against everything within me… after I type this sentence, I will publish this blog. At 10:00 at night! And there may not be one tomorrow!! This was so not the plan 🙂

“You did good.”

March 18, 2013by Pam Anderson4 Comments

I have further Lorax ponderings. How could I not? The movie moved me… on so many levels. I just have to talk about the Once-ler once more. Because the Once-ler is me! That Once-ler is probably so many of us. And what did he do? Well, he left his home full of ambition. He had a plan and wanted to be successful. So he set off and came across something he wanted. And that’s where it began… with a want. The Truffula Trees were beautiful, and would do just fine for what he wanted to do. Now the movie and the book are slightly different, so I’ll be meshing the two. In the movie, the Once-ler sings a song to the inhabitants and actually tells them he’s going to cut down a tree. And then, why, the inhabitants of the land began singing the same tune. They all sang together. Just as it is today. If someone hears something enough times, it doesn’t seem so bad. Eventually, we all begin to sing the same song.

And so, the Once-ler started with just one. Immediately after that first tree fell, the Lorax made his appearance. “I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees.” And he was upset. Now, please don’t think I’m being irreverent here, but in the story, I see the Lorax as God. The Once-ler did something wrong, and the Lorax (God) made an appearance. He spoke to the Once-ler and told him to stop. But the Once-ler didn’t listen and continued to do what he wanted to do. And like us today, he argued. “I am doing no harm.” See, today we might say, “It’s my body, my right. I am only affecting myself.” The Lorax then said, “You are crazy with greed.” And that is the crux of the matter. Greed. Selfishness. What motivates us? Well… usually it’s self. We have a want (or we do not want) so we “take care of it.”

Once one tree was cut, it was easier to keep cutting. And the Lorax (God) kept coming… he kept speaking for those trees. “I repeat… I speak for the trees!” But like us today, the Once-ler tuned him out, “I’m busy… Shut up if you please.” We audaciously shut out the voice of God. We become busy and if we feel a twinge of our conscience, we just ignore it. Because, “I am doing no harm.” And so, it happened. The Once-ler became very successful in a worldly way. He cut down all the trees to further his business. He made more and more money. All the while the Lorax appeared… all the while he spoke for the trees… all the while the Once-ler shut his ears. Until finally, the land was desolate. The land couldn’t provide for the animals that once played in the shade and ate of the Truffula Fruits. All life left.

The Once-ler was sad as the animals left. BUT, he got busy again. He got bigger and bigger. And the Lorax kept coming. Finally, the Once-ler got mad at the Lorax (God). He had his rights, see. He didn’t want to hear, “Bad! Bad!” What’s more, he intended to go on doing just what he did. UNTIL, that last tree fell. And then what happened? He couldn’t continue with his business. All his friends and family left him behind. And there he was… all by himself. Well, it was just him and the Lorax. This time, the Lorax had nothing more to say. He had already said it all, so he simply picked himself up and flew up to the heavens. That’s when the Lorax left his message… “UNLESS.”

So what did the Once-ler do after the Lorax left him? Well, his world fell apart around him. He became a recluse shutting himself away from the world. He even boarded the windows. He was no use to anyone. There he sat, worrying away his years. The book says that he worried about it with all of his heart. You know what I think? I believe that Once-ler had such regret. I believe if he had the chance to do it again, he would do things differently. I think he repented of his ways. Because He pondered over that message left by the Lorax (God) with all of his heart. And he was ready when opportunity came knocking. He grabbed hold of it, and became that someone who cared an awful lot. He fulfilled his purpose… he didn’t let “UNLESS” pass him by.

The Once-ler is me. The Once-ler is so many of us. If we’re living with something inside us that shouldn’t be there (a regret, a secret sin, hate, etc.), then we’re separated from God. That’s what happened with the Once-ler. His relationship with the Lorax was broken. But in the end, the Once-ler did the right thing. He listened to what the Lorax said. He pondered his word, and passed on the seed. And I just love the way the movie ended. The Once-ler was no longer shut away in the dark. He walked in the light, and he watered the trees. And you know what happened? The Lorax came back. The relationship was restored. And that Once-ler laughed out loud as he hugged the Lorax. That’s when the Lorax looked at him and said, “You did good.”

Isn’t that what we all want… a restored relationship with our God. We’ve all made some sort of mistake… big and small. But some of us hide our mistakes. I did. I hid mine for over seventeen years. And they lay there deep in my heart. I may have pretended my past never happened, but it was eating away at me. Thus, the heart-exam initiated by God a few weeks back. Let us all examine our hearts to see what’s in there. Because when we get it out, and when we really turn from it (whatever it may be), and when we pass on the seeds of our knowledge, perhaps one day we’ll hear the same thing from our God as the Once-ler heard from his Lorax… “You did good.”

the Valley of Slaughter

March 15, 2013by Pam Anderson10 Comments

I was uncertain about posting something. Quite frankly, it scares me. Because it’s something dark… something I’ve kept hidden for so long. Not many people know. But this morning I felt moved. After praying, I typed up this blog, crying while fingers tapped the keyboard. Crying because of something I did. Crying because I have to share it. Crying because I wonder if I will ever be completely okay.

I typed up a draft, feeling certain I would post it the next day. But as the day progressed, doubt took hold. How could I be sure I was doing the right thing? What would people think after reading it? What will my family think, if they hear of it? Will people look at me differently? And so day turned to evening, and I became even more uncertain… that is, until I watched The Lorax. Yet another child’s movie, but so deep. As I watched it, my mind drifted back to the draft I had typed earlier in the day. “Are you sure, God?” A squeezing of my heart. “But I’m scared.” More squeezing. Yes… I am to share it.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with this well-loved Dr. Seuss tale, but if you’re not, it’s worth both reading and watching. Basically, a guy invented something called a Thneed. But, he needed the materials to make his Thneeds. So he traveled along till he came across this beaufiful forest full of Truffula trees. He wanted the Truffula tuft, so thinking nothing of it, he chopped down a tree. He snuffed out the life of that tree without a thought… not till the Lorax made his appearance. He said, “Mister! I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. “But the guy said he was doing no harm… he just chopped down one tree. But the Lorax knew. He said, “You are crazy with greed.” The Lorax repeated, “I speak for the trees!” But the guy was too busy, he had things to do. He shut out that voice, and set to making his own dream come true. Why, he was going to be rich. He started with one tree, but then used a device to chop down four trees at once. And so, the guy became rich. He continued to chop down trees, polluting the air… the Lorax would appear to make his plea for the trees, but the guy didn’t listen. Finally, he yelled at that Lorax, “Now listen here, Dad! All you do is yap-yap and say, ‘Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!’ Well, I have my rights, sir, and I’m telling you I intend to go on doing just what I do!” Finally, the last tree fell. Well, there was nothing left to say, so the Lorax picked himself up and left. There were no more trees to speak for. But, he did leave a pile of rocks with one word – UNLESS.

The guy who destroyed the trees pondered that phrase for years (he’s called the Once-ler, by the way), and when he finally had a visitor he figured out what it meant. “UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” And so, the Once-ler let a Truffula Seed fall into the hands of his visitor. He said it was the last one, and exhorted the visitor to, “Treat it with care. Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. Grow a forest. Protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax… may come back.”

Sound like a lot of rambling here? Read the above again, but picture unborn babies instead of trees. And me? UNLESS someone cares a whole awful lot, nothing will change. I’m that someone and I have a seed… See, I have first-hand knowledge… I know all about snuffing out the life of an unborn baby. And so I need to plant this seed, of what I know, among those who will listen. Because we don’t have a Lorax, who speaks for the trees. We have a God, the God, and He speaks for the babies. He spoke for them through His prophet, Jeremiah:

“And they have built up the high places of Tophet, which is the valley of the Son of Hinnom, to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire, which I did not command, nor did it come into My heart. Therefore behold, the days are coming,” says the LORD, “when it will no more be called Tophet, or the Valley of the Son of Hinnom, but the Valley of Slaughter; for they will bury in Tophet until there is no more room.” Jeremiah 7:31,32

My mother-in-law educated me this morning about King Manasseh, who was evil. He “made his son pass through the fire.” That means he instated the practice of killing the firstborn children, sacrificing them to the god of Molech. Manasseh was the king… so the nation followed his lead. God’s people killed their firstborn babies. It was culturally accepted. Pretty much like today. And like then… we will bury until there is no more room. When I heard the term, the Valley of Slaughter, it struck a chord with me. I actually thought, “Hmmm… would make a good name for a book concerning abortion and our nation (if there’s not already one out there).” But no… now I see it is to be the title of one of my blogs. A fitting title for a blog about abortion.

Abortion is part of my past… it’s part of who I am today. I have certainly walked through the Valley of Slaughter by way of my selfish and greedy actions. And I just have to wonder if that’s the reason darkness enshrouds me today. See, I’ve been striving. I’ve been seeking God with my whole heart. I want to do what He wants me to do. I want to be pleasing to Him. And yet, I just feel so bad so much of the time. I can’t understand it. I thought I dealt with the abortions this past September. I thought I was done with that. So why do I still struggle? Why then, after talking with my mother-in-law about abortion, was I in tears as I prayed. Why did I have nothing but cries to offer up to God?

When I wrote a draft this morning, I wasn’t sure what the point of it was. Because I’m not sure that I have an answer or the encouragement that someone needs to hear. I thought that perhaps it’s simply something God wants me to be honest about. Because it’s been hidden for so long. See, abortion is not something we all want to talk about… especially when it’s part of our pasts. But God’s word assures me that whatever’s been said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what I’ve whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear! (Luke 12:3). So I thought that maybe this was my rooftop moment. A time to come out of the closet, if you will. Finally, the moment had come to bring to light what was done behind closed doors. I thought perhaps that was the point of today’s blog.

But now I see. God spoke to me through The Lorax, of all things. UNLESS someone cares to speak up for those unborn babies, nothing will change. He’s already spoken, and He’s waiting for us to do the same. And I can speak from firsthand knowledge… because I know that when you do such a thing, you don’t just kill a baby. You also kill part of yourself. Oh, you can hide it away and pretend it never happened. But it colors your whole life. Jeremiah 7:34 says it all, “Then I will cause to cease from the cities of Judah and from the streets of Jerusalem the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride. For the land shall be desolate.” And this is just how I feel sometimes.

I have my good days. I have whole seasons of joyfulness and mountaintop experiences with God… But then I seem to slip up. I always seem to fall back down that mountain into the valley… that Valley of Slaughter. But for those days when I fall, I’ll cling to His promises…

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:1-4

When the darkness comes, I’ll cling to God’s promises. His word assures me that He is with me. He is in my midst. He is my shepherd, and He will comfort me. Perhaps someone else needs to know His promises today.

If you know someone who needs to hear this message, be that someone who cares an awful lot – and pass it on. UNLESS you do, they may never know.

Help my unbelief!

March 14, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

Yesterday, I wrote about standing amazed in the presence of God. And I’m still amazed. And I couldn’t get it all down in one blog. It was just too much information to try to convey. But I have to, because what I found truly blows me away. Bear with me as I try to get this down. This past January, I went through something pretty big with God. What took place revolved completely around my son, but had everything to do with my heart. And the reality is I was having a crisis of faith! I honestly believed God was going to take my child. I didn’t believe He would heal my son. It’s not that I doubted He could heal. I just didn’t think He was going to show Himself strong… for me. I can’t really say when I first realized I was having doubts about God (I’m sure I’ll see exactly when I get there in my journal review). But I don’t think it was something that happened overnight. I believe faith slowly ebbed away without my realizing it until I was in crisis mode in January.

And so, after the crisis was averted, I felt sure I was to start a blog. Actually, it was the week after my son’s high fever that I felt assurance… yes, a blog! And so, I began without really knowing what I would write day to day. I had an idea, but nothing set out in stone. After speaking with my friend, I came to the conclusion I was to review all my journals because she had mentioned setting apart those God moments. I had a similar thought earlier, but more along the lines of a timeline. So, it was evident to me that I was to review the journals right along with blogging. Later I realized the review was multi-purpose (God moments along with an exam of my heart). I began journal review on March 1, but have been camped out on the first few pages ever since. And it was just yesterday I realized to accurately record the God moments, I needed to go further back. I had to revisit when I became His, and what happened afterward. Please, bear with me… I want you to see something BIG.

Yesterday I talked about my second God moment. My husband and I were drawn to a church in which we consistently heard the word of God. Thus, fresh faith. Well, after several years my husband and I decided to leave town. Our son was small, and we (mainly me) wanted to be near family. I decided we could not afford Virginia, so we headed out to western North Carolina to be with my in-laws. We sold our home, quit our jobs and took off expecting to find greatness. We didn’t find it. But while there, I did have my third God moment. Once again, it involved a church. We were floating from church to church, and decided to visit my sister-in-law’s church one more time before settling for another. We had never really cared for her church because it was contemporary (lots of music). We were used to a more traditional service. But despite our never really caring for the church during previous visits, we were completely won over when we visited. Okay, another episode that seems like a not so big God moment. But it was. I thought I would have a fight on my hands when I told my husband we should join, but he simply agreed. For about six months, we had phenomenal teaching under a super knowledgeable pastor. We learned so much about God in a short time period of time. And so, our faith came by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Astonishingly, nothing worked out for us in Wilkesboro. About a year after leaving Pinehurst, we found ourselves going straight back! I had been contacted by my boss a couple of months earlier, and immediately after unpacking my last box in Wilkesboro, my husband was contacted by his old boss with an offer he couldn’t refuse. This is God moment number four for me. God worked everything out so that we went right back to where we were… same jobs, same church and even a house within a mile of the one we sold (at first). The only difference? We had changed. We were not the same as when we left a year earlier. This time, we were a little hungrier for God’s word. We wanted more.

Keep bearing with me… I’m getting there. God moment number five? We arrived in Pinehurst too late to teach or join any committees. We arrived just in time to be fed God’s word for a solid year. Our Sunday School class? We studied When God’s People Pray, and then spent the rest of the year meeting every Sunday morning for prayer. My first Sunday evening Bible study? Beth Moore’s Believing God. Believing God is a study about faith. And you know what. Until yesterday morning, I kind of forgot about what that study entailed. This is the part that blew me away. This is the part that showed me just how closely God has His eye on me… on me!

When I began this blog, I didn’t know I was going to review my journals. When I realized I would review them, I thought I would begin during the Spring of 2010. I had no thought about the time leading up to then, so I surely didn’t think about this Believing God study. When I began this blog, I didn’t realize my first few God moments would be faith moments. And when I thought about a timeline months ago, I did not remember I had already done one! Do you know I found a detailed timeline – from the time I was born up to 2009 – inside that Believing God workbook! God knew I would see it! He led me straight to it. And amazingly, before time began, God knew my faith was going to be shaken in January of 2013. And so He knew what I would need to see. He led me to recording God moments. He wanted me to see those first moments revolving around faith. Faith made me His. Two times He led me to good churches, where I heard the word of God and my faith grew. He brought me back to Pinehurst at the very best time… too late to volunteer for things that would take me away from His word, but in enough time to start out the new church year and not miss any of the new studies… more hearing of His word, faith growing. See, God didn’t let me go too far before He brought me back to Him. And it was through His word that I began to have faith in Him. God needed to remind me of this. Because it’s what I’ve been lacking lately. I have been disbelieving.

Matthew 9:23-24 is so personal to me. Because it involves a man and his child. Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

This was me. I lost my faith in God. My son was ailing. Never so much that he suffered… just things, one after the other. And I became discouraged. I didn’t think God was going to take care of him. And so, it was the night of my son’s high fever that I cried out to God. I must have felt similar to this man. In one breath, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

Why am I blown away? Because God is so intimate with the details of my life. I had a crisis of faith in January, and so God took me back to a time when I had faith in Him. I believed once before… and I’ll do so again. I echo that prayer, “Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!”

Faith to Faith

March 13, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

I stand amazed in the presence of God this day. I am constantly bowled over by how God puts together pieces of my life, and it’s in the looking back that I can see just how involved He has been in my entire journey. All of it – even in the silences. I pray He’ll guide me through this blog journey, because I know there’s a reason for it. I know I’m putting all this out there for someone. He is real, He is active, and He is simply waiting for someone to come to Him. He’s waiting for that one to seek Him with their whole heart, that they may be constantly bowled over just as I am. I feel certain I am to detail my journey step by step, so someone can follow me right into the arms of Jesus. Because you know what… although I became a child of God in February of 1997, it was not till very recently that I came to understand just what it is that Jesus did… for me. Someone else may need to understand it, too.

Do you have your journal yet? If you’re not already one who journals, please start. It is completely eye opening when you look back. I didn’t begin a journal until the Spring of 2010. Now, I have ten completed journals (composition notebooks), and I have just started my eleventh. The eleventh is my journal review notebook (of the previous ten journals). I have two other notebooks I just started, one entitled “God Moments,” and the other, “Answered Prayer.” I wanted something special for those occasions, so the BIG things wouldn’t get lost in the other journals. I also have a journal dedicated to Scripture memorization. I don’t put Scripture in until I’ve memorized it. This one I began in December. I also have a journal dedicated to my little boy. I’m recording special prayers and the things he’s said to me. Perhaps I’ll pass this on to him when he graduates from high school. I also have a notebook dedicated to book ideas. And in addition to all these journals, I have completed three manuscripts since the fall of 2011. All this writing from someone who never, ever had any inclination to do so.

It was on March the 1st that I began my God Moments journal. I thought it would commence with the Spring of 2010, just as my journals do. But I realized I had to go further back. That’s because I became a child of God in February of 1997. This is where it all began with God & me, and so that was the first recorded God moment. He saved me through His Son, so that is the most important God moment. Because if I didn’t have His Son, I wouldn’t have Him. To become God’s child, I had to have faith… faith that God is who He says He is, and faith that Jesus is who He says He is. This is where it all began. Faith.

Soon after becoming a child of God in 1997, I began helping my pastor’s wife with the Acteens (a group of teen girls who learn about missionaries). You know what… those teen girls should have been teaching me about God. They knew far more than I did, as most of them grew up in church. I knew NOTHING! I knew the basics… I was a sinner and in need of Jesus to save me. That’s it. I didn’t know anything else. And yet, I jumped into a leadership role. Now, I wasn’t the leader… I was assisting someone else. But in hindsight, I had no business doing what I was doing. I didn’t even know what I was doing… I should have been sitting in church, soaking up God’s word. See, faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). But because I immediately jumped into activity, I didn’t hear as much of God’s word as I should have. And so, my faith wasn’t built up. I was too busy.

And so, it’s no wonder that when my husband and I moved away in January of 1999 that I simply fell away from God. Because my faith had not been established. I had the basics, but that’s it. And because I wasn’t grounded in my faith, it didn’t take hold. Over time, my faith dwindled away to pretty much nothing. Activity first drew me away from God, and then, I moved away and completely left Him out of my life. Oh, we did join a church when we moved to Pennsylvania. But my heart wasn’t in it. We then moved three more times, attempting half-hearted searches for churches along the way. However, the searches never amounted to anything. And so, it was not until around November of 2004, seven years after I became His, that I find my next God moment.

When we moved to Pinehurst, North Carolina, I again attempted to find a church. Unlike in previous years, the very first church was it! Immediately, I felt a connection with the people and with the pastor. My husband went with me the following Sunday, and I was shocked when he filled out the visitor card to include both our phone number and our address!! This was completely unlike him. And you know, although it doesn’t really sound like one, this was in fact a God moment… my second. But you would have had to know me and my husband, and who we were at that time in our lives, to see what a God moment this truly was. And what blows me away is that God is so faithful. Even when we’re not… even if we’re away from Him for over five years. And I was, because I had left Him behind.

I’m thankful God led my husband and I to that church in Pinehurst. Because while there, we began to hear the word of God again. We enjoyed that church so much, we jumped in with both feet. We made friends and took part in Sunday School. We took part in discipleship classes and began to hear God’s word on a consistent basis. And so what happened next was only natural… my faith was built up. It’s as if I picked up with God right where I left off years earlier. God did not let me get too far before pulling me back to Him. He remained faithful, even when I was not, and gave me just what I needed when I needed it the most. He does that for all of us.

And so today, I know… my journey began with faith, and it will end with faith. And what happens in between faith to faith has a lot to do with where I am today.

For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.” Romans 1:17

Can I trust you with my heart?

March 12, 2013by Pam Anderson3 Comments

Yesterday was one of my favorite postings. Because I feel like the past few years (or longer) has been nothing but a giant struggle. But you know, I don’t dare place my struggle on the same plane as some of those I know. I know people who have struggled, or are struggling, mightily. My step-mother-in-law just had her second kidney removed. She is struggling. I have two aunts who lost their children. They’re struggling. I have a friend and both of her sons have a disease. She’s struggling. I have an aunt who is estranged from her sons. She’s struggling. This aunt also happens to be having a cardiac catheterization this week, and she said something intriguing. In thinking about her procedure, she said, “The bible verse “trust in the Lord with all your heart” is taking on a new connotation for me.” Yes, I am surrounded by a myriad of hurting people who have fought tangible battles, and who are still fighting. And there are so many more.

My struggles are different. Because when I contemplate my time on earth, I have had no major upheavals to overcome. When I look at the course of my life, it seems to have gone along quite smoothly. Outwardly, everything looks just fine. But inwardly, that’s another story. Inward is where my struggles lie, and my heart and mind are the battlefield. I’ll give you an example through a child’s movie. We had a snow day on Wednesday, so my family watched Finding Nemo. The first scene is really quite something. The dad, Marlin, and his wife, Coral, are looking over their new home. Their babies (eggs) are nearby, and everything looks just great. But then a barracuda arrives on the scene. The parents look on in fear, and Marlin orders Coral into the house. But she just stares at that threatening fish, and then she fights for the lives of her children. She swims for them… but, she doesn’t make it. And none of her babies make it… except one. And I have to say, in all the times I’ve seen Finding Nemo, the movie never got to me as much as it did this time. Because I realized… I am both Coral and Marlin.

I have a son who is six and a half years old. And I just have to say that I’ve lived in fear most of his existence. It began immediately after he was born. I could barely sleep at night for fear he would stop breathing. Several times a night, I would place my hand on his chest to feel it rise and fall, and I still do this now, just before I go to bed. After the breathing, came eating. I feared every bite would choke him to death. And that little dickens knew somehow. He was about two and a half when he filled his mouth to capacity, and then looked over to me, opening his mouth wide as he could for me to see inside! See, fear must have been oozing from my pores because even at that tender age, my son knew I was scared. And there are other fears, losing him in the grocery store, him getting hit by a car, and on and on and on. I have been living in fear from the day my son was born. Do you know what God says about that? “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18. Quite clearly, I have not been perfected in God’s love.

Finding Nemo was eye opening. I could see myself in Marlin. He was terrified of everything after the tragic death of his wife and children. And because of his fear, he smothered his one remaining son. He didn’t want to let Nemo do anything. He didn’t trust Nemo, or anyone else for that matter. And that’s me! I am just like Marlin. And I can see myself in Coral, too. See, she fought for her children… to death. Any mother would. We love them so much, we would do anything for them. Our children are tied to our hearts… why, they are our hearts. We feel everything they do. When they cry, we cry. When they laugh, we laugh (usually). I love my son so much, and the thought of losing him nearly incapacitates me. And because of fear, I barely live. And through that fear, I’ve hindered my child.

Everything came to a head this past January. It all began in July. My son developed a skin condition (they say it’s Psoriasis). He still has this. Among other sicknesses, he had some sort of allergic reaction in December that lasted three days. Not sure what that was. Through this time period, my son got to where he couldn’t hear us. Thus, an ensuing ENT visit, which led to ear tubes, both of which blew out because his infection was so bad. Now, I know these are all minor issues. But not to me. Because I lived in fear from the day my son was born, these issues just heightened my fear. And this past winter, fear grew exponentially. The morning of my son’s ear procedure, I despaired. I honestly believed that God was going to take him from me. I know, irrational thinking, but this is what I thought. I cried the whole time I was in the shower, and I cried as I saw them put my son to sleep. Despite the fear that held me captive, my son came out just fine. It was the day after the procedure that the tubes blew out. By that point, I was undone. Eventually the infection went away, but the fear remained. And so, it was this past February when God & me had a moment.

On February 9th, my son developed a pretty high fever. After my husband went to bed, I gave my son Tylenol, but about 45 minutes later his temperature began to rise again. When it hit 103.5, I broke. I knelt before my bed and cried out to God. He already knew my fear, for He knows my heart. But I never wanted to voice it before (superstitious?). But that night, I talked to God about my fear. I prayed for that little boy and his fever… for healing. And not just for the fever, but for everything else that plagued his body. It was a night I surrendered to God, and wept before Him. I knew only God could heal my boy, and me. Because although my son is the one who had all sickness, I believe the battle over his body was actually being fought within my very heart.

I’d like to say that after that night, fear left me forever. But it hasn’t completely. See, this is one of my struggles and it’s an ongoing battle. Two-steps forward and one-step back with each skirmish. But you know, last night a new thought struck me. I think it must have stemmed from my aunt’s remark about trusting God with her heart. See, my son is my heart. How could he not be? And it was within this past year that my husband and I had a ceremony at our home, consecrating ourselves to God. We did this last Spring, and from sincere hearts gave all of ourselves to God. And that included our son. Last night, I remembered 2 Timothy 1:12, but rather than thinking about me, I heard it in light of my son… “For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that day.” Yes… my son! I committed him to the Lord not that long ago. God is fully able to keep him. Whatever takes place with my son (good or bad) is in God’s hands! He will allow nothing to happen to my son outside His will. And so, I think that truth finally sunk in last night.

There’s an older country song I love. It’s Travis Tritt who sings out, “Can I trust you with my heart?” Well, my son is my heart, and God knows this about me. Last night, when I reflected on 2 Timothy 1:12, it was as if God were asking me, “Can you trust Me with your heart?” Yes, I believe I can.

Why do it at all?

March 11, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

You know… in reading some of my blogs, it sure sounds like a lot of work in coming to know God. I’m sure some people may even think, “Why do it at all?” And you know what… I confess there have been times that I’ve thought the same thing. Because I’ve personally experienced smooth sailing when I floated atop the surface of God’s living waters. And I swear, I don’t think I have ever struggled throughout my whole life as much as I have within these past few years. It’s as if the struggling intensified as soon as I decided to go deeper with God. Oh, I had plenty of dark times before my God & me moment of 2010. It was desperation that drove me to Him in the first place. But it seems as if the hard times have come closer and closer together, lengthening in duration, ever since then. Almost like labor pains.

For me, I drifted for quite some time after becoming a child of God. My husband and I moved around quite a bit because of his job. At first, it was great… but then we moved somewhere I really hated. I was thoroughly miserable while we lived up North, but for some reason, I didn’t turn to God. We moved several times more before I finally surrendered, but by then I had accumulated some excess baggage in my heart. That’s what I’m working on now… getting rid of my old junk. I thought I accomplished that this past fall, but deep down, I know something is still not right. Anyway, I’m veering off course. The question remains, “Why do it at all?” Quite simply, I am persuaded. See, when I became God’s child sixteen years ago, I committed my heart to Him. And 2 Timothy 1:12 says it beautifully, “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”

Clearly, there will be suffering. But, I will not be ashamed! For I am persuaded that He is able to keep (guard) what I committed to Him, which was my heart. Not only that, I now have a track record with God. I mentioned all the starts and stops with God earlier this week. All those beginnings and endings. Well you know, I may have had some bad endings… but through each bad ending, I learned something about myself. Each time I started out, for God, and ended badly, for me, I realized something about me that shouldn’t be a part of me at all! And when we come to a realization like that, well, that’s called victory. Because when we can identify what’s wrong with us, we can confront it. And through the power of God, we can defeat it. And do you know what else? On the other side of those struggles lies glory. I know it, because I’ve experienced it. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory…” This, my friend, is the purpose of our struggles. Through each one, we are being transformed into the image of Christ. It’s through struggle after struggle that we reach glory to glory.

I imagine there is no one else who’s struggled with God quite like Jacob. He physically wrestled with God. In Genesis 32 we read, “Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks,” But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” Jacob held on to God. He refused to let go until he received the blessing. God then renamed Jacob, saying, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

Why do it at all? Why continue to venture closer and closer to God, when all it seems to do is cause more and more strife? Because I am fully persuaded. Because on the other side of each struggle is glory. And because when I hold on to God, refusing to let go, there will be blessing. I will struggle again and again, but each time I come out on the other side, I am that much closer to God. With each hardship I face, I will be one step closer to knowing Him. And knowing Him is exactly what I purposed in my heart two and a half years ago. There was a verse that propelled me towards God, but it was only the first half of Philippians 3:10 that I focused on. I now know the verse is talking about God’s Son. And it’s only now that I can begin to identify with the second half of the verse… that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death…

Here on earth, we will suffer and we will struggle. Jesus did, and so shall we. But rather than run from our struggles, and from God, may we be like Jacob who clung tightly to God. May we tell Him that we will not let go… not until He blesses us. Like Jacob, may we struggle with God and with men, and prevail. And then, it will come… blessing. There will be that glorious Day, for He’s promised it. That’s why I do it.

First Love

March 8, 2013March 8, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

As some of you may know, I’m reviewing my old journals. Last week, it became apparent to me that I am to scrutinize the journals looking for God moments (to be recorded into their own special book). I later realized I am to examine my heart along the way. And I sure hope someone else is doing this along with me. Anyway, I cannot seem to move beyond the first three pages of my first journal. I’m stuck there!! Because those first three pages are completely telling. I can see exactly what I was focused on, simply by the titles of the two books I read. On 4/5/10 I read The Prayer of Jabez, and on 4/13/10 I read A Life God Rewards. Both of these are wonderful books. However, with what I’m learning about me, I’m seeing something ugly. I told you, this blog should be called “the ugly truth about God & me!”

I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with what Jabez prayed. Basically, he asked God to bless him. And there’s nothing wrong with that. However, because I followed up with a book about reward, I think it’s pretty obvious where my heart lay just under three years ago. “Bless me, Oh Lord,” and “Reward me, Oh Lord.” That’s where I was almost three years ago, and I just have to ask myself today, have I moved on from that state of mind? Or, am I camped out at blessing and reward for me, just as I’m camped out over the first three pages of my old journal? If I am camped out at blessing and reward for me, and I believe I am, then what’s missing from my life? What do I lack? Because I can assure you, I have been striving to know God. I have been striving to please Him. I have been striving to serve Him. And you know what, I believe that’s my answer right there. I’ve been striving, and I’ve been laboring. And so, from a letter that John penned to the church of Ephesus, I think it’s clear what’s missing from my life…

“I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” Revelation 2:2-4.

Where’s the love? Apparently, I’ve left my first love… God. Because if I really loved God, wouldn’t I be concerned with what He’s concerned with. Don’t we care about what our loved ones care about? And since God cares for people, shouldn’t I? You know, this past year, I have been praying to know God’s love. Not just to have it for other people, but that I would know how very much He loves me. See, I have that knowledge in my head, but for the life of me, I cannot seem to feel His love. Not for me, and not for those in need around me. I can’t say that I’ve truly experienced the love of God. I know, I know, wise Christians will tell me that I can’t base my salvation or relationship with God on my feelings. Feelings are fickle, and I’m only human. But, doesn’t God want me to feel His love? What prohibits me from feeling it? Well, Revelation 2:5 tells me, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works…”

So, from where have I fallen, and what are those first works? Well, it began in February of 1997. That’s when I became His. That’s when I realized how much God loves me, because He gave His only begotten Son for me. That’s when He became my first, true love. Because He is True and He is Love. But, it wasn’t long before I fell away from Him. He is from where I have fallen… and those first works? What does Jesus tell us? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” And He says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And again, “You’ve neglected the weightier matters of the law; justice and mercy and faith,” and again, “But go and learn what this means, I desire mercy and not sacrifice.” All of this begins with love, and love covers a multitude of sins. And if we can simply remember how much He loves us, to death, then we should be able to love Him wholeheartedly and sincerely. So much so, that we naturally do all those things He commands us to do.

You know, it was two and a half years ago I purposed to know God. It began with knowledge. I wanted to know about God, and the things He required of me. And so, the knowledge of God soon turned to a true desire to spend time with Him. And I believe this blog is the fruit of that prayer. Because through the blog, I realized I was to go through my journals again. And through the search of my old notes, God is ushering me straight into the light and warmth of His love. It’s through this journal review that God is showing me just how much He loves me. He was my first true love, but over time, I forgot. But He reminds me of my first love… He reminds me of Himself.

And so, for this reason I shall bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named. I pray that I, and that those reading this, will be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height- that we all may know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that we may all be filled with the fullness of God (taken from Ephesians 3:14-19).

See, I started by gaining knowledge. But the love of Christ surpasses that knowledge. And when the truth of how very deeply God really loves me settles in my heart, I will have no trouble doing the first works. Because when I return to Him, my first love, my heart will begin to resemble His. And He loves people. Perhaps as the days go on, my outlook will be more about blessing them than about blessing me.

The Doctor’s Orders

March 7, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

I’m quite familiar with medical exams here lately. My son has been in and out of doctors’ offices more times than I can count in the past six months. One thing after another, over and over I had to schedule appointments. And with each medical exam, my desire was for my son to heal. I noticed that with each visit to the doctor, the exams began the same… the nurses started with my son’s temperature. Because his temperature was important to the exam. If it was too high, that could mean something wasn’t right in my son’s little body. And that begs the thought, is there a spiritual thermometer, too? Because I am fully convinced I am to be examining this heart of mine right now. I am sure that God, who is the Great Physician, has called me to this self-examination. It was recently that I stumbled across notes in my old journal, “Heart – examine myself.” But how do I do that? Just as with a medical exam, isn’t the temperature of my heart necessary for my spiritual exam? And why examine my heart at all? For what purpose has the appointment been made with the Great Physician? Well, to be honest, the desire for myself is the same desire I had for my son with each of his visits…. healing. I want to be healed.

Physically, I’m okay, other than this sore throat. I have no complaint – no need of a medical doctor. But nonetheless, I do have need of healing. Because the truth is, my heart is not quite right. Unlike bodily (a fever being a bad thing), spiritually, our hearts should be feverish. In fact, we should be on fire for God. So, basically, it’s as if the heart itself is the spiritual thermometer. And right now, I believe the mercury of my heart is registering too low. Do you know what God says about that? In the book of Revelation, John wrote to the church of Laodicea about temperature. “These things says the Amen, the Faithful and True Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God: ‘I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of My mouth.'” Revelation 3:14-16. Lukewarm… that sounds about right. Because I don’t think I’m cold. I’m certainly not without feeling. When I hear something terrible, my heart is moved. I even cry when I hear how someone is suffering or in need. However, what do I do next? When I hear about someone suffering, do I act? Or am I complacent? Yep, I am beginning to see… lukewarm. That is my spiritual temperature. That must be the reason for this exam. Because my temperature is too low, that indicates there’s a problem.

My symptoms? Let’s see… bitterness, wrath, anger. Yes, I’ve had those symptoms. How long? Well, I’m quite certain it’s been ten years, no, wait… more like sixteen years. Yes, that’s right, my temperature is lukewarm, and my symptoms are bitterness, wrath, anger (and more). So what does this mean? Is there hope? Can I be cured? Can I be healed? What can the Great Physician prescribe for my ailments? What will alleviate my pain? And so He tells me. Or should I say, He reminds me. Because some verses come to mind that I’ve read more than a time or two. And His prescription is found in Isaiah 58:6-8. This is the medicine God has chosen for me… for my healing:

“Is this not the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you…”

Wait a minute… this medicine God has selected has nothing to do with me and my symptoms. It seems to have everything to do with everyone else… aside from me. This is what will heal me? I believe the Great Physician says yes. I believe the key to my healing is to take my eyes off of of me, for once, and just look around. I’m supposed to share with those in need, help the poor and feed the hungry. And when I look beyond me, I will see there is great need. Yes, I need healing, but there are those very near to me who need healing, and so much more. You know, I recently wrote about new life springing forth from this heart of mine. But now I see something else will spring forth, too. When I look beyond me and see the dire need of others, this lukewarm heart of mine should heat up. And when my heart temperature begins to rise, I should be moved to action (beyond this complacency). And when I stop focusing on myself, and put others’ needs before mine, my healing shall spring forth. It’s what the Doctor ordered.