God – Page 17 – painter's daughter (a work in progress)

You are not alone!

June 7, 2013October 10, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

When I was nineteen, we were three. There was Shannon and Gracie and me, and we were always together. I loved them fully, and when they were with me… I was never lonely. Because I had my best friends. And I can’t remember if it was when I still lived at home, or when I joined the Air Force that we gave each other pet names. Shannon was pretty much the leader and was christened “Wise One.” Gracie, who was petite and quiet natured, became “Little One.” And me? For reasons I can’t recall, I was “Lonely One.” I had forgotten that till just this morning. Loneliness… it touched me then and it’s touched me now. And so I see, this must be a recurring pattern in my life.

I am convinced that there are no accidents or coincidences. I fully believe that we find ourselves in circumstances over and over again… until we get it. And so, rather than sweep this unwelcome feeling under the rug by filling my life with as much activity and business as I can possibly manage, I want to understand this feeling. Why should I be lonely? As I contemplate the last two blogs, it’s apparent that I am. I am once more that vulnerable young girl of nineteen… once more, I am “Lonely One.” God has brought me to a place where I am surrounded by silence. In more ways than one. I work from home, and rarely get out amongst people. And as time passes, the once frequent voices of old friends have almost completely hushed and stilled altogether. And then there’s God. I haven’t been hearing from Him lately. And so, loneliness has nestled down into my heart once more… I am utterly, “Lonely One.”

You know, I don’t think we’re made to be alone. God Himself is three in One. He is Father, and Son and Holy Spirit. He said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness.” And after man was created, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him.” After Eve made an appearance, man said, “This one, at last, is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called woman, for she was taken from man.” It’s Genesis 2:24 that says “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” And so, there was Adam and Eve… and God Himself chose to fellowship with them. He walked with them in the cool of the garden.. they were three.

I believe it was after I met my husband when I began to refer to myself as, “Lonely One No More.” See, we became one flesh, and for quite some time I was filled. But, as time wore on, I had bouts of loneliness. First, we moved away from family and it was just us. We did make friends at first, but when one moved turned into another, and then another… well, new friendships waned. My husband worked long hours and was away most evenings and weekends. My karaoke machine became my best friend, as I had a party for one just about every Friday night. My telephone was my other best friend because I made frequent calls to those I loved and missed. We were three, my Karaoke machine, my phone, and me.

Loneliness began to fill my soul as the years marched on. And so, today I’m surprised that I find myself here. Because I am in my homeland… surrounded by family members. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. I have been blessed. And yet, “Lonely One” is etched on my heart. And this time, I want to know why.

Here is truth. In all the years that I spent away from family and loved ones, I was never, ever alone. Because what Jesus told His followers holds true today… “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever. He is the Spirit of truth. The world is unable to receive Him because it doesn’t see Him or know Him. But you do know Him, because He remains with you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17. I have the Spirit with me and in me today, just as I did all those years ago. And all those years did not have to be forlorn. They could have been magical! There could have been so many special moments for just God and me. I could have shared hours of intimate fellowship… with God. But I chose not to. And I think that’s why I find myself here today. Thus the silence. I believe God wants me to know… I do not need to be lonely. He wants me to take the truth out of my head and let it seep deep into those lonely black holes of my heart. And it’s not just me that needs to know this. For we are not alone. That means you are not alone!

I have a choice… I know when the dark times are coming. I can feel them hovering on the outer edges of my contentment. And I can do one of two things. I can invite loneliness to my pity party for one (and whether I acknowledge it or not – both God and my husband are in attendance anyway). Or, I can cancel the party. I can ignore what God is telling me, or, I can let the truth of what He says settle into my heart. See, my husband and I are one flesh. And I have the Spirit of the living God residing in me. And so, I am not alone. God, my husband, and me… we’re three. I can be “Lonely One No More” if I want to be. And you? Only you can answer that. But if you have God the Father through Jesus the Son, then the Spirit of the living God is in you, too. That makes you two, and two are better than one.

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Golden

June 3, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

I used to have a good friend named Carmen, and I loved her so. When I was in the Air Force, we spent nearly every day together for the span of a year and a half (or more). But the time came for her to move on, and we decided to keep in touch via journals. We bought identical books, and were to fill them and mail them to each other monthly. And we did well for quite some time. But eventually, as time and space grew too deep and wide, the journals stopped. Our paths moved in different directions not to intersect again, and today, I don’t know where she is. It was while I was stationed in Korea that I received her journal, and inside the cover she had written:

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

I was delighted, and shared the poem with my new friend, Cheyenne. She laughed because I wasn’t familiar with the lines, as she knew them well. I believe she said she sang the tune in girl scouts. As with Carmen, Cheyenne and I became tight. I loved her, too. She was my roommate in Korea, and we shared everything. And when the time came to move on, as with Carmen, we stayed in touch for a while. She even made it to my wedding, and I visited her once down south. But alas, the ever widening time and space eventually divided us, and today, I don’t know where she is.

Early in marriage, I made two more friendships that were dear to me. One, my sister-in-law. We had so much in common and connected almost at first. I’m sure you know what I mean… when you meet someone and know immediately that you’re going to be the best of friends. It was my first weekend with her that we had to share a bed, but we stayed up till the early hours sharing story after story. That was seventeen years ago. The other friendship was with my cousin. Although we grew up playing together, it was after the Air Force that we became like sisters. She was another that I shared everything with, staying up till the wee hours of the morning swapping story after story. She was another that I immediately connected with. And those connections were priceless to me… even golden.

And so today, I find myself sorrowful. Because time and space is ever widening. Phone calls that used to occur multiple times a week have dwindled to once or twice a month, if that. And I feel like a piece of me is gone. Because they’re gone. See, I love these women, and yet for some reason, I am separated from them. There’s silence. And it’s no one’s fault… there are schedules, and events, and sicknesses, and before you know it, distance has inserted a wedge into something that was priceless and golden… something you thought you’d never lose. But I feel as if I’ve lost my priceless friends. And I miss them. I feel alone.

In the Bible, we read of a friendship. It was one of those golden relationships that neither time nor space could sever. And it was King David who had a such a golden friend… his name was Jonathan. The only problem was that Jonathan happened to be King Saul’s son. And enmity had grown between Saul and David, because David was to be the next king. Saul lost God’s favor, but David gained it. Because of that, Saul grew to resent David… so bitter was Saul that he even tried to kill David. But that was not so with his son, Jonathan. Quite the opposite took place. The King James version states it like this:

Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18:1

Another version of the Bible says that Jonathan committed himself to David. And that’s just what a good friendship is… it’s a commitment. A good friend will fiercely protect you and stand up for you when someone says the wrong thing. She will even place her life in danger for your sake. A good friend is your shelter and hiding place – she’s who you can turn to when you’re feeling blue. She’s the one whose doorstep is most welcoming, whose couch is most comforting, and whose hug is most warming. Her cup of refreshment never empties. And it’s that type of friendship that David and Jonathan shared. Oh, how David grieved for him when he died:

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother. You were such a friend to me. Your love for me was more wonderful than the love of a woman (for me). 2 Samuel 1:27

Today, I feel sad. Because it’s here in the sounds of silence that I miss those who were so dear to me. It’s here alone that I wish I had my dear friends close. And so it’s here that I lamented to God, and told Him how I felt. I told Him that I’m lonely and that I need a friend. Because those golden treasures are hard to come by today. See, when you move back home as an older woman, the patterns of life have already been set. And they were set without you in them. Peoples’ lives are already in order, and thus, it’s hard to insert oneself into a life that already has a steady flow… And it’s so hard to meet another. Because, although new friends are good… it’s the old ones who are golden.

God has an answer for this. See, when it comes to old friends, He is my oldest. He is the most faithful and the most loyal. Because He knew me before time began. He is the One who knit my soul within the womb of my mother, and so He knows me best. And it’s to His doorstep I can run when I’m feeling blue. Because He will always be available… He is the One who will never leave me nor forsake me. And His cup of refreshment will never run dry. He tells me so through His word:

Your faithful love reaches to heaven, Your faithfulness to the skies! LORD, You preserve me and it’s Your faithful love that is so valuable. It’s in the shadow of Your wings that I can take my refuge. I can be filled from the abundance of Your house and drink from Your refreshing stream… You are the One who leaves the light on for me. (Taken from Psalm 36)

It’s true, I may be lonely today. And it’s true I may be separated from old friends by space and time and schedules. And if I want to be honest, I may even be wallowing in the sounds of silence. But the truth is, I have the best of friends. His name is God, and He is my Maker. And as far as relationships go, why, this one is golden.

A Full Closet

May 22, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

Coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, I listened to a Mother’s Day message today in which the speaker addressed some of the very things I have been thinking about recently. Namely… insecurity. (I’ve included the link to Lysa TerKeurst’s message at the end of this blog). And the funny thing is, she mentioned her past (as a little girl), the fickle opinions of others, and the fragile choices our children make. And I found her message to be illuminating in that she helped me identify the problem with my insecurity. And it isn’t what I would have thought. See, my line of thinking was that if you’re insecure, you’re not confident. And so logically, low confidence means that you’re not lofty and high up, right? Because if you’re insecure, you’re staying low, right? Doesn’t insecurity then, in essence, mean that you’re humble and meek? And if so, isn’t God pleased by that?

You know, I have been praying for godly wisdom for a little while now. In order to know how to please God, I need His wisdom… because His is so different from the world’s. And, fortunately, the speaker pointed to Scripture that points directly to godly wisdom. And it’s through Proverbs 11:2 that I see just what my insecurity really is: “When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom.” Illuminating, huh? And so, I find that insecurity is not lowly and humble at all, but in fact, the opposite is quite true. The mere fact that I have been feeling insecure, and shameful, highlights the hidden pride in my life. And if I want God’s wisdom, as I have been so praying… then it’s in my humility that I’ll find it. And so I see, the issue is not at all insecurity… but pride. Because it’s pride that cares what other people think. It’s pride that feels shame in not measuring up to other people’s standards. And it’s pride that produces those feelings of inferiority. It’s the pride of life…

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. 1 John 2:15-16

So in a nutshell… God has answered my prayer. I’ve been seeking godly wisdom, and praying for God’s wisdom, and so James 1:5 has been played out in my life: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally…” Because through a message I watched at random today, God has shown me where to find His wisdom… and it’s not in my insecurity. If I want God’s wisdom, then I must be humble. And so, I have a choice to make. We all do. We must decide where we will find our true identity… and where we will find our true security. Because if we place too much importance on this world via its opinions and its measuring stick, then we will never, ever feel secure. Because the world is passing away, and the lust of it… but he who does the will of God abides forever (1 John 2:17). See, our security can only be found in Him.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, God never ceases to amaze me. I am forever awed by how God fits together the pieces of my life… how He strategically plants me in places, and in circumstances, and with people, and how He opens the eyes of my understanding, enlightening me, that I may know what is the hope of His calling for me. See, I’ve been feeling less than. But He is opening my eyes, and I am beginning to see what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance. And I’ve been feeling inadequate, but He is showing me what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward me, who believes. He is showing me that I am complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power. I lack nothing… because I am complete. But it’s Him who completes me. I will never, ever measure up to man’s expectations… but with God, because I am covered by the blood of His Son, I am complete. That’s my security.

You know, everyone wants to fit in. Everyone wants to be liked (well, most people do – I have run across those who actually take delight in offending other people). But the truth is, Christians will never, ever fit in with the world. Because the world and God see things in stark contrast to each other. God’s kingdom is flip-flopped from the worldly kingdom. God’s wisdom does not mesh with the world’s. And if we hold too tightly to the world, and the things of the world, then pride creeps in and wisdom walks out. And shame always follows.

Shame has always been with me… it’s always been part of my make-up. It first took root when I was a small girl. When young, because of things I did not have and my not-so-full closet. When older, because of things I did and a much fuller closet… only the closet happened to be filled with skeletons. And older still, disgrace follows because of the things I do, or don’t do, that may or may not measure up to mere man’s expectation of me. And so, shame cloaks me. But the cloak of shame comes directly out of the closet of pride. And that garment of insecurity was not selected for me by God. And so, I have a choice to make. I can gain the whole world today, packing my closet full with robes of shame in trying to keep up with the Jones, or… I can choose Him. And with Him, my closet need not be so full. Because with Him, I will be clothed in robes of righteousness. And with Him, I will be clothed in glory. And in order to be so clothed, there is only one item needed… Him.

And so, the choice… a full closet, or an empty one? Here or there? Or, this world or that one? The choice is mine to make. And it shouldn’t be that hard of a decision.

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. For what advantage is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost? For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:24-26

http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/cut-the-but?autoplay=sermon

… just like a little girl

May 16, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

My roots are showing. No, I’m not talking about my hair… I’m talking about my make-up. And no, I’m not talking about the liquid foundation that goes on my face, I’m talking about my foundation, my beginnings, my roots… what’s formed me, what’s made me and what moves me. Meaning, my inner being. And music is part of my make-up. It’s been a part of my life as long as I remember. In fact, one of my earliest memories is of my babbling while “Take it to the Limit” by the Eagles played in the background. This has to be one of my all time favorite songs. And without a doubt, if I hear Seals & Crofts “Summer Breeze” from 1972, there will be tears. It reminds me of being young, and of my brother, and of playing, and of innocence.

Yes, I just love music… because it moves me in a way that nothing else can. And it’s not just Christian or gospel or hymns that move me… it’s all kinds of music. When I clean the house, you can bet classic country will be playing… loudly. And I will be singing along at the top of my voice. And depending on my mood, you may hear anything from seventies to oldies to eighties to classic rock to Christmas in my house. It just depends. And here’s what I think… that no matter the genre, you can find God in it. If you listen with your heart. And it’s one of Bob Dylan’s songs that moves me. It’s one of his that makes me think about being God’s little girl. Perhaps you’re familiar with the lines…

And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.

Funny that no matter how old a woman may be, at heart, she’s really just a little girl. And no matter how strong she thinks she is, there are just going to be those times that she falters. There will be those times that she breaks… And you know, it doesn’t even have to be a big thing that causes her to break. No, usually it’s something small and subtle that sneaks up on her. Like what recently took place with me. Something silly, really, and yet… I felt just like I did all those years ago. I felt just as vulnerable at forty as I did when I was growing up. And so, I find those lyrics true and stirring… she may be a woman, but truly, she breaks just like a little girl.

You know, when I grew up I felt less than. Some of you will know what I mean by that. For example, the first sixteen years of my life I lived in an apartment that was on the backside of a store situated right beside a highway. My backyard was sandwiched between our small porch and a cow field. When I was young, I loved the sensation of running through the cow fields and the freedom to roam. However, as innocence waned, I began to feel embarrassment about where I lived. It was, well, less than what other people had. My bedroom didn’t even have a door. At sixteen, we moved into a regular house. Finally, shame abated because I no longer lived in less than adequate quarters.

Since my hometown is so small, there’s no need for a middle school. Elementary grades range from kindergarten all the way through the seventh grade. And it was through those formative years that I had three different best friends. Each one was special, outgoing, funny… they were leaders. But I was painfully shy and awkward… a follower. And I always felt less than them. This inferiority complex was cemented down when my fifth grade class-mate told me that just because my best friends were popular, it didn’t mean that I was. And for a little girl, the remark was stinging. It was heartbreaking. It marked me… so much so that I remember it vividly as a forty year old woman.

The first few years of high school were okay… but money was scarce. Oh, we never went hungry, so I never endured real suffering. Just feelings… less than feelings. See, all the girls wore particular brands of clothing (just different colors). They all looked similar, but I didn’t look anything like them. And so eventually, I started to hang out with a new crowd. And with my new friends, fashion was a non-issue. But, I think I still cared deep down. Because to this day I remember a boy saying, “Pam, I really admire you… you wear things that no one else would wear and don’t even care!” He didn’t know that if I could have worn different clothes, I would have. He didn’t know that I couldn’t, because my family couldn’t afford the clothing that other girls wore.

In high school, my best friend had the best of everything… at least in my eyes. She had nice clothes, a new Subaru Justy, a CD player (before they were common place), Clinique make-up and Anais Anais perfume. Oh, and she was beautiful and outgoing and could sing. She feared nothing and I feared everything. And so, at seventeen, the feeling of less than sunk deep into my soul. This became my identity. And ironically, it was not that long ago when I talked to my girlfriend about all this. She shared with me about her own insecurities from that time period, and she was so surprised that I didn’t recognize them all those years ago. But I couldn’t have… I was so engrossed by my own feelings of insignificance, that I was blinded to her own inadequacies. I give you all of this background so that you’ll understand the following, and although seemingly insignificant occasions, they forever touched me… forever marked me…

Two particular weekends from high school were brought to the forefront of my mind last year. And I was surprised when the memories surfaced. And in hindsight, it all seems quite silly. But it didn’t feel silly then. In fact, my heart was broken. At sixteen, I had a very steady boyfriend and it was near the end of the school year. And there was a huge party… the party. And although his best friend chose to take his girlfriend, my boyfriend did not choose to take me. See, he wanted to spend time with the guys. And that evening, I felt so insecure… so insignificant… so left out… so, well, less than. I felt forsaken. Flash forward to the next year. I had my very best friend, and we did things together every single weekend. It was a given, no need to ask if we would be together… we just were. But one particular weekend, her old best friend came to town. I assumed I would spend time with them. Why would things change just because an old friend came to town, right? See, she was my best friend. But, there was no phone call. Not one time all weekend. And as the previous year, there was a big party. My best friend took her old friend, along with three other girls to that party. I was left home alone. Again. I felt so insecure… so insignificant… so left out… so less than. I felt forsaken.

And here we are today. I am forty year old woman. And, well, this will seem quite silly and so insignificant. Especially in light of current events and the real suffering that takes place in the world today. But nonetheless, I was somehow marked. My dear friend who lives out of state chose to spend time with her other out of state friend. And deep seated feelings erupted to the surface of my heart. I felt so… you know. And so what becomes clear to me today is that age does not matter. A forty year old woman can in fact feel just like a little girl. It’s becomes clear that although she aches just like a woman, she can break just like a little girl.

There is such irony here. You see, I just wrote about “Who I am.” I wrote about being confident and finding my identity in God. I wrote about people watching, and really feeling for those insecure adolescent girls that I see today. The irony? Well, I am no different than those young girls. In fact, I am still just a little girl myself. At least in my heart. And so, I surmise that all of us women are just that… little girls. And although we may ache like women, and break like a little girls, we do have hope. See, God is with us. He made us a promise, and He will be faithful to keep it. He said, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

And so, little girl, remember that. Don’t ache, don’t cry, and don’t break. For you don’t ever have to feel forsaken again. Because you are not alone.

mother and child reunion

May 15, 2013January 20, 2025by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

I think we’ve all heard it at least once in our lives. I believe we have all been cautioned by some well-meaning person with the phrase, “Don’t get your hopes up.” And perhaps in accompaniment to the words of wisdom, their heads shook back and forth, or maybe their faces displayed the most severe expression to fully demonstrate the foolhardiness of one who hopes. Because any sound person can tell you… hope surely will be dashed to the ground. And the well-meaning person… likely a loved one… was really only trying to help you when they told you what they did. But truth be known, after hearing it so many times, a person who was once full of faith may fall into the same mindset. Despite the faithful’s best intentions, she may sink down into that grim sort of outlook on life, expecting the worst out of circumstances… and of people. But then, when least expected, hope glimmers and faith renews. And those are the times, for me at least, when the words, “Get behind me, Gehazi,” come to mind. Believe it or not, this will make sense by the end of this blog. After reading this, may we all cry out, “Get behind me, Gehazi!”

It was three years ago that I had great hope. I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that God was going to return me to my hometown in Virginia. I felt it in my bones. I had come across Scripture, and I felt assured that it was a promise to me, despite being written to the children of Israel so long ago. And so, I was fully expectant, full of faith, and full of hope that my God would bring it to pass. No one could tell me otherwise. And believe me, some tried to. You know those cautious phrases, “Don’t get your hopes up,” and “I’m just saying,” and, “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

And so, in reflecting on those nay-sayers of days gone by, I cannot help but think about the Shumannite woman in contrast. It’s in the fourth chapter of Second Kings that we read about her, and we find that she was wealthy with no needs. She even took care of others’ needs, including Elisha the prophet. Whenever he passed by, she would urge him to eat. And so eventually, after some visits, she asked her husband if they could prepare a room for this man of God to rest in. And so it came to pass that the man of God wanted to do something for this kind woman who had no needs. When asked, she said, “I dwell among my own people…” Translation, “I’m fine, I don’t need a thing.” Elisha turned to his assistant, Gehazi. It was Gehazi who named something she didn’t have. He knew that the wealthy woman had no son, and not only that, her husband was old. Translation, chances of a child were slim to none. But see, with God all things are possible. Elisha informed the Shumannite woman that she would indeed have a child. He said, “About this time next year you shall embrace a son.” And she said, “No, my Lord. Man of God, do not lie to your maidservant!” Translation, “No way!”

Elisha told the woman who had no need that she would indeed have a son and it must have seemed impossible. Could a baby have been a long forgotten desire that had been buried deep away? Or could it be that this woman had yearned for a baby for years, the longing never extinguished… the burning ever fresh? We don’t really know, only that she in fact conceived and gave birth to a son. And as any mother today knows, this woman had to have loved him with all her heart and soul. And so, what happened next came as such a surprise to me. The child grew, but one day his head began to hurt. So, he was carried back home to his mother. And you know, that Shumannite woman held him on her knees until noon, and then, he died. He died… right there on her lap. Here is a woman who didn’t ask for a child, and yet, the man of God promised her a son. And she bore that son and loved him. But then… death? How could that be?

The woman laid her son’s body on the bed she had prepared for the man of God, and she called for a donkey and her servant. She said, “Drive, and go forward; do not slacken the pace for me unless I tell you.” Translation, “Go as fast as you can and do not stop!” And so she departed, and went to the man of God. When Elisha saw her from a distance, he sent his servant Gehazi. He told Gehazi to check on her well being. But that Shumannite woman had none of that. She answered Gehazi’s questions, but left him behind as she reached for the man of God. See, it was Elisha who made the promise. It was he who was the man of God, and it was he that she was desperate to reach. And as she grabbed hold of him, Gehazi tried to push her away. But Elisha saw her anguish, he saw her pain…

Here we see a picture of a woman… a woman who dared to hope for a son despite the odds. But then, he died… and yet, the woman seemed to have held on to hope. Because afterward, she didn’t stop moving until she reached the man of God. And when Gehazi tried to deter her, she didn’t let him slow her down. When she reached Elisha, she said, “Did I ask a son of my lord? Did I not say, ‘Do not deceive me’?” Translation,”I never asked for a son, and yet you told me I would have one. And so why, now, does my child lay dead on your bed?” Elisha then said to his servant, Gehazi, “Get yourself ready, and take my staff in your hand, and be on your way.” But that wasn’t good enough for this woman. See, her faith lay with the man of God, and so she clung to him and said she would not leave him. And so, He arose and followed her. And Elisha indeed performed a miracle that day. He did what Gehazi could not accomplish, and he roused the child.

I admire this woman because she never gave up hope. And it was at a ladies’ conference last fall that I first heard of the Shumannite woman and her persistence. It was Beth Moore who paralleled this woman’s trek to Elisha as our own trek to Jesus, and she said that there are just those times when no one else will do but Him. Beth said that when those “Gehazis” try to get in our way and block our path, we just need to push them aside and say, “Get behind me, Gehazi!” And essentially, that’s what the Shumannite woman did. And in addition to her unswerving hope and persistence, I also admire that she fully expected the miracle… She dared to hope against all odds. And more than once. When things looked the darkest, she didn’t lose her faith. Because she believed the man of God when he told her that she would have a son. This woman never gave up on her child… not once. And isn’t this what mother’s do today? Don’t we all hold to hope when it concerns our children?

You know, it would be way too easy to shut down. It would be pretty comfortable to keep one’s hopes low, so that hopes would not be dashed to the ground. It would be so easy to just close oneself up tight and to not hope for anything else, ever again… because that would be safe. Because when the Gehazi’s of the world tell us over and over, “Don’t get your hopes up,” we eventually start to think that way. And who wants to risk heartache, right? But that’s not biblical… at all. Because God is the God of hope! And without faith, it is impossible to please Him! And although with man it’s impossible, with God all things are possible! And let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, because He who promised is faithful! Believe Him. Just take Him at His word.

In all my life, there have only been a handful of times that I have felt assured of a promise by God. The first was that He would return me to my hometown. And upon return to my homeland, I felt sure that all of my people would one day be His people (those that are not already His). I felt confident of that when I read a particular verse in Isaiah, and I still believe that today. I claim that promise. And it was the fall of 2011 that I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that I would have another baby. And sure enough, it was December 13, 2011 that I learned of my pregnancy. You can imagine my surprise when the sonogram showed that there was no heartbeat, and I had a miscarriage shortly thereafter. I didn’t understand… because God promised me a baby. And I did all the right things… I believed it, I hoped it, and yet, no baby. But the truth is, there is a baby. Just not here on this side of eternity… just not here where I can hold him or her on my lap.

It was a few days ago that I came across a note in my Bible placed beside Psalm 30:5. It says, “1/23/12, sonogram 1/20, no heart beat.” When I read this portion of Scripture over a year ago, I felt assured of a promise: “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Yes, I’ll claim the promise I find here. For I’m promised God’s favor for life… And I’m told that joy comes in the morning. And so, that’s mine. I’ll believe it and I’ll hope for it.

You know, God promised me a baby. And he fulfilled that promise, for I’ll meet that baby one day in heaven. And so, for today, I have the hope of a mother and child reunion. And as of today, I will always choose hope. I shall always believe… for “blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:45

And to all those nay-sayers out there… to all those who wisely tell me to not get my hopes up, I forever shall say, “Get behind me, Gehazi.” For I’ll let nothing stand in the way of me and my Jesus.

The Eve of Destruction

May 14, 2013by Pam Anderson1 Comment

Today, I wonder about Eve. What must she have felt like? She started off well, right? She walked in the garden not just with her mate, but also with God. And as she walked with the God of all creation, she knew no shame. Because she was innocent. But, Eve made a mistake. A big one. And it was through her mistake that sin entered the garden. And I find it ironic that Eve, whose name means “life” or “living,” also became the mother of death. Because the wages of sin is death, right? Eve, who was the mother of all living, actually became the Eve of destruction when she made her error. How in the world did this this woman feel?

Did Eve realize as soon as her teeth broke the skin of the forbidden fruit that sin just walked in? Did she feel sick as the sweetness of the fruit slid down her throat? Or did she become soul-sick after she gave it to her husband to eat? Did she feel fear when she realized she did the one thing God told her not to do? Or did she fear later, when God came calling and she hid? Did shame introduce itself before or after she ate? Or did she feel its full impact as her husband said to God, “The woman that You gave to be with me – she gave me some [some fruit] from the tree, and I ate.” Genesis 3:12. Perhaps she didn’t feel the full gravity of her error in judgment until she answered God. She said that she had been deceived by the serpent… did God surprise her by the severity of His punishment? He said, “I will intensify your labor pains; you will bear children in anguish. Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you.” Not only that, God said to Adam, “The ground is cursed because of you. You will eat from it by means of painful labor all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. You will eat bread by the sweat of your brow until you return to the ground, since you were taken from it. For you are dust, and you will return to dust.”

The Garden of Eden… that garden of delight… was no more. Because sin walked in. Because Eve did what she knew she shouldn’t, and because Adam followed her lead, it cost them dearly. Life as they knew it was changed forevermore. Eve was deceived by the serpent, and after being tempted, she found that what looked good was not. Because what looked good led to the fall of man… it led to the eve of destruction. And ever since that day, sin has abounded on the earth. Look around, and what do we see? The news is filled with story after story, one more heinous than the next. Today’s headlines shout, “Police arrest boy, 12, for stabbing his eight-year-old sister to death at home.” Sin gave birth to violence and destruction and it blazes an ever widening path. Did Eve have any idea what was to follow? Could she have known the impact of her mistake? She must have, because she gave birth to Cain and Abel. Her own son killed the other. Abel’s blood cried out to God from the ground… and it hasn’t stopped. Blood spilled upon blood. Ever deepening.

I hope that Eve knew the truth. The other truth, that is. Oh, she knew the reality of violence. But I hope Eve realized her true worth and how much God really loved her. Because although she bit into the fruit, and gave way to sin, God didn’t love her less because of it. And despite her costly mistake, He still provided for her needs. And here’s the best part… God in fact said the woman would have pain in childbirth, but there is hope in simply that. The hope of childbirth. Despite her grievous sin, Eve, the first woman, got to have babies. And with each child, there is hope. It’s the woman who experiences a baby as he grows in her womb. It’s the woman who quickly forgets the agony of delivery, when she hears her newborn’s first cry. It’s the woman who knows the closeness of a babe at her breast, drinking in what only she can offer. It’s the woman who gets to be the mother. What great mercy God showed to Eve, the very first woman, in making her what she was… a mother.

This morning, I read, “For the Lord has created a new thing in the earth— A woman shall encompass a man.” Jeremiah 31:22. This intrigued me, as I have been contemplating God’s plan for women lately. I have felt downcast, and well, quite frankly feeling less than… if you know what I mean. So, I just had to know what this “new thing” is. What exactly does God mean by saying, “A woman shall encompass a man”? “Encompass” has several meanings, and with each version of the Bible, the verse reads differently… shelter, compass, surround, protect, guard, and return to, among others. So, what? A woman will shelter a man, protect a man… what was God saying here? And as I began to see, I just have to wonder if Eve, who lived so long ago, knew the promise of this statement.

It may be true that sin entered the world through the fall of man, via the mouth of a woman. And though this stigma may trail after woman, it doesn’t have to be that way. Because the fact is, God chose women to have babies. That’s part of His plan. And because of God’s mercy and grace, it was through a woman that salvation made entrance into the world. By the hand of God, a virgin conceived. And the baby Jesus grew inside that young woman’s body. He was protected in her womb. See… Mary, the mother of Jesus, encompassed The Man. She surrounded Him… she sheltered Him… she guarded Him. And our Savior and Lord was delivered into this world through a woman. And it’s by Him that we will can all truly be delivered. Praise God for that.

Ironically, although Eve’s name means “life” or “living,” the dictionary gives the meaning as evening, night, sundown… basically darkness. And although the world looks that way now… dark and scary… there is hope. See, the dictionary also gives the meaning of “Eve” as: the evening or day before a special day, or the period immediately preceding. See, as dark the world seems right now, we are in fact living during a period immediately preceding something special. That something special is the Day of the Lord. And so we find… in more ways than we realize… we are truly living through the Eve of destruction. But we know the other truth… the real truth. We know the hope of a Child.

He who testifies of these things says, “Yes, I am coming quickly.” Amen! Come, Lord Jesus! Revelation 22:20

Happy Mother’s Day

May 10, 2013by Pam Anderson1 Comment

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:28-29

I wrote something in October… for my mother. I wanted her to know what she means to me. I wanted her to know how I feel about her. And I believe it would be appropriate to share with every mother… because what my mom did for me is what we all do for our very own. We lay down our lives for our children. Because we love them that much… to death. May you be blessed by this, and may you be blessed this Mother’s Day…

My Mother – A Depiction of Jesus Christ

I’ve been on a quest the past couple of years. My mission has been to know God, my Creator, in a way I had never experienced Him before. I wanted to understand just what it is He expects and requires of me while I roam this earth. I have been drawing nearer to God, in a way I never had before.

This past year, I’ve come to realize that what God wants is quite simple. He doesn’t ask a lot from me, but then again, He asks everything from me. Quite a paradox. At the basest level, God calls me to just a few things… I am to love the LORD above all else, believe what God says about His Son and be reconciled to Him through Jesus, and to love my neighbor like myself. I am to be merciful and just, and walk humbly with God.

Of course, I wanted to go deeper. It wasn’t enough for me to know what He wanted… I also wanted to know just how to do these things. And fortunately, He gave me a model to follow. God gave me His Son, the perfect sacrifice, as an example of how I should live. He is my road map for navigating this highway called life. And Jesus shows me just what God expects of me… everything.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:13

This is what Jesus did. He laid down His life for all mankind. And in contemplating how one lays down a life today, I was startled when I realized God had given me another example years ago. My mother.

My mother was a broken woman when I was growing up. She had a hard life, and for quite some time she was bitter and worn out. I know that at one point, she felt God hated her. That must have been because she was so weary of the pain and constant struggle of which her life consisted. She suffered. But you know, Jesus felt just the same.

“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Mark 15:34

Jesus had to suffer for our sins upon a cross, so that we could have life. At His darkest point, He felt that God abandoned Him. In hindsight, I can see Jesus in my mother. She must have felt the same… she suffered so as she laid down her life. And she gave up hers so that my brother and I could have a life. No greater love hath a woman than this.

For my mother’s birthday, I want to give her the gift of this revelation. I want her to know what great purpose her life has held. God has used her in a tremendous way. Today, He has shown me what a great sacrifice my mother made. She laid down her very own life, just for me. Just like Jesus did. I want her to know God pointedly revealed that to me today… And He wants me to do the same for my son. I will follow her example, and lay down my life for my child. Perhaps one day, my son will see Jesus in me, as I do in my mother.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall….

May 9, 2013by Pam Anderson2 Comments

I love cartoons. And I think we’re all familiar with the infamous lines from Walt Disney’s movie, Snow White: “Mirror, mirror on the wall… who is the fairest one of all?” And as we look in our mirrors today, don’t we all want to see a pleasant face staring back at us? Don’t we all want to be the fairest one of all? Come on now… isn’t there a small vain streak in each one of us? Well, speaking as a forty year old woman, I can tell you that looking in a mirror today is not as fun as it used to be. In fact, I do not enjoy it one little bit, no, I do not. Because I don’t like what I see looking back. Frankly, age is beginning to make it’s appearance in the form of lines and sags and puffs that used to seem as far fetched as this fairy tail I’m referring to. Oh yes, mirror, mirror… it seems there’s no avoiding them. But fortunately, we can avert our eyes when we want to.

Surprisingly, however, I am finding reflections of me coming from another direction here lately. And you know, there’s no turning aside from this mirror image. No, when my little boy looks up at me, I cannot turn away. And in his small features, I’m beginning to see traces of me. And that makes me glad. BUT… I’m also seeing something else reflected back at me. And honestly, this doesn’t make me so glad. Because what I’m seeing is an ungrateful attitude and an unthankful heart. And you know, it’s not his fault. Because he’s just a child. And the sad truth is our children learn by example. The truth is our children are simply reflections of us and if we’re not careful, they may learn all the wrong things. Because no matter what you say to them, they are simply going to imitate what they see. And the ugly truth is… what I see in my son that I cannot abide by, is the very thing in me that God cannot abide by. And if I want to see changes in my son, well, it has to begin with me.

But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Colossians 3:14-15

I’ve been memorizing Scripture for months now. And periodically I go through them all, hoping to keep them fresh in my heart and mind. And without fail when I get to the above verse, I forget the ending. I cannot remember, “and be thankful,” for the life of me. And when I contemplate this, I see that it’s not just the words I’m forgetting… it’s my whole being that’s forgetting it. Not only do I forget to say, “be thankful,” but I simply forget being thankful. In cultivating my heart, thankfulness has been left out. And this shouldn’t be. Not for me… and not for my son. And so, things will be changing around here. Today is the day I am purposing in my heart to be thankful. Because in reality, that’s all that God is concerned with… the heart. He doesn’t care what image the mirror on the wall casts back, but He does care about the image our lives reflect. And our daily walk will reveal the truth about what lies deep inside us.

Rejoice Always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The truth is, I haven’t been rejoicing much and my prayers have been isolated to the morning. And I surely haven’t been giving thanks in everything. The truth is, I’ve lived most of my life in complete opposition to what I’m told to do in 1st Thessalonians. Because I’ve lived so much of my life pining away for something I didn’t possess. At one time, it was a baby… later, it was Virginia… later, status and a name… and later still, a house… and then, another house. You see, I’ve always been a glass half-empty kind of girl or the grass is always greener. And that just shouldn’t be for a child of God. And when I look at my son, I see he’s turning into a glass half-empty kind of boy. He too, is beginning to pine for things thinking the grass will be greener when he gets there. And I’m the one who’s making him that way. He’s my mirror image… What I see in him just shouldn’t be and it won’t be. Because it’s not too late.

This day, I choose to be thankful and grateful. Because God has blessed me abundantly. This day, I choose to open my eyes to the gifts – big and small – that God has graced me with. And there’s a lot. And sure enough, when my heart begins to change from one that pines for what it doesn’t have, to one that is blown away by the goodness of God… well, I’m going to see a change in my son. Because he’s going to imitate me. His little heart will resemble mine. And when my reflection shines back at me – through him – I’ll smile at what I see.

Mirror, mirror, little boy… may your heart and my heart reflect God’s joy.

The Persistent Son

May 8, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

You know, I feel that I’ve had the same conversation with my son at least 10 times now. One of those times occurred this morning, and our talk went something like this:

Son: “Can I take my Lego book to school today?”

Me: “No, you can’t! I’ve told you that before.”

Son: “But why?” followed by some sniffing and whining noises and a sad face…

Me: “Because it’s a nice book, you may rip the pages, it’s too big…” Then I remembered that I’m the mom, “Because I said so!”

Son: “Remember, I took that other big book.” more sniffling and whining noises accompanied by the sad face…

Me: “NO! Furthermore, if you ask me about that book one more time, I’m going to spank you!”

This ended the discussion. As my son completely soaked the end of his sleeve during his daily grooming session, I had to help him with changing it. See, all the discussion, whining and sniffling was slowing him down and it was time to go. And of course, my fingernail scratched his elbow. There was no mark by the way, and yet the grazing of my fingernail caused him to tear up. The reason for the tears was his external pain, right, and had absolutely nothing to do with my saying no to the Lego book. Right? Wrong. The tears were because he didn’t get to do something he wanted. And the aloof, cold good-bye I received this morning had everything to do with me not granting his wishes. And you know… this is such a picture of me and God!!

I’ve been going through my old journals, and I am so absorbed with the Summer of 2010. And I see from this time period that I cried out to God daily about me not being in my hometown. I wanted to go home so badly, my request made it into my prayer every day. I wonder what God heard… possibly something like this:

Me: “Can I go home to Virginia to live today?”

God: “No, you can’t… I’ve told you that before.”

Me: “But why?” followed by some sniffing and whining noises and a sad face…

God: “Because Virginia is too big for you right now… You just can’t handle it!”

Me: “Oh, God, please… I’m so sad. PLEEEEAAASSSSEEE can I go back now?” more sniffling and whining noises that soon escalated to wailing and thrashing. And of course, a sad face.

God: “NO! Furthermore, if you ask me about Virginia one more time, I’m going to spank you!”

Hmmm…. I just have to wonder about that. And so, this is what I’ve surmised. God wants me to ask for what I want. Because He is my heavenly Father. And furthermore, I believe with all my heart and soul that He wants me to be persistent with my requests. Because Scripture points to this. It’s in the eleventh chapter of Luke that the disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray. And that He did as I believe we’re all familiar with the Lord’s prayer. But do you know that immediately following that model prayer, there is a parable about a persistent friend? Luke 11:5-10 says:

And He said to them, “Which of you shall have a friend, and go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves; for a friend of mine has come to me on his journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within and say, ‘Do not trouble me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give to you’? I say to you, though he will not rise and give to him because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs. So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

You know, God wants us to come to Him with our requests. Because He loves us. He wants to give us our heart’s desire. It’s just that sometimes the answer is, “No,” or “Not yet.” Because God can see the big picture and we can’t. Our heavenly Father knows what’s good for us, and what’s harmful. Just like us as parents. I would love to let my son take that book on the bus. But I know it’s very large and he’s very small. I know that the way he would have to hold it and turn the pages would cause damage to the book. And so I say no…. for now.

I’ve tried to explain it to him, but he’s too young to understand. See, he thinks he would be careful. He believes that he’s responsible enough to handle it… but as his mom, I know otherwise. I can see the big picture. However, I now see that what my son is doing is good. It’s biblical. Of course he comes to me full of faith and asks again and again. Because I’m his mother. He asks over and over, “Can I take the book,” because he believes that one day my answer will be different. And you know, I think that’s true. How dare I break his spirit and his faith by threatening a spanking. Because you know, one day he’ll be older. One day he’ll be bigger and more careful and more responsible. One day he’ll be able to handle what he’s asking for. And so, don’t stop, dear son. Ask and it will be given to you… seek and you will find… knock and it will be opened to you…

Be persistent, dear son. I say to you, ask again and again… because perhaps one day my answer will take you by surprise. Perhaps one day, you’ll hear “Yes.” For when you can handle it, why, it will be my pleasure to grant you your heart’s desire.

“If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” Luke 11:11-13

The love of a mother…

May 7, 2013by Pam AndersonLeave a Comment

You know, to be quite honest, there are times that I just don’t understand the love of God. I cannot fathom how much He loves me. I know what His word says… I know that He loves me so much that He gave His only begotten Son to die in my place. This is what I know to be true… in my head. But for the life of me, I just cannot get it! And I try to! I want to! I pray to God to reveal to me the love He has for me. Because I want to more than know it… I want to feel it. I want to feel love from Him and for Him. And I want to feel it for those He tells me to love… my neighbors. And yet, after all these years… I still don’t get it.

I’m learning so much about God, and who He is to me. Most apparent is that He is my Creator, King, Master, and Savior… but here recently, I’ve learned that He is also Husband to me (Isaiah 54:5). And I’ve found that He is friend to me (Exodus 33:11). More often than not though, I think of Him as Father. Because I am a child of God. But quite surprisingly, what I’m finding out this week is that He can also be Mother to me. And I think it’s through this role that I will know just how much He loves me. I think it is through mothering my own child that I will finally grasp the depth of His love for me. Because I know how I feel about my own son. I love him with a love that’s unending.

It was yesterday that my son had to be disciplined. He got in trouble two times at school for talking when he should have been quiet. So after school, I didn’t allow him access to his games or TV as normal. I let him know that we’d have to discuss it with Daddy that evening. Well, with doom on the horizon, He became pretty quiet and was just not himself. I found him laying in his bed under the covers. And so, rather than make him get up and accept the consequences of his actions, I did what any mother would have done. I laid down beside him as close as I could and peered into his eyes. As we snuggled, I told him to tell me the truth about what happened. And my heart ached as he talked, because I knew we would have to punish him for what he had done. For a short while, we snuggled… and it was later when he received his spanking from Daddy’s firm hand. Afterward, he just looked so sad and defeated with his downcast face. I squatted down to his level and pulled him to me. I cupped his cheeks and made him face me as I said, “No matter what you do… no matter if you’re in trouble… I will always love you. You will never lose my love.” It was moments later that a light kind of came on. I thought, “This is how God feels about me.” No matter what I do, He will love me unconditionally. And so, I realize that this is how I can begin to understand how God loves me. God can reveal His love for me through the love of a mother.

You know, there’s a passage of Scripture I have read many times including within the past week. And yet, it wasn’t until I read it this morning that I saw something I somehow overlooked in every other reading of it! In the tenth chapter of Mark we read about a rich young ruler who asked how to inherit eternal life. Jesus told him what the commandments were, and the ruler answered that he observed them all from his youth. But alas, Jesus told him there was one thing missing. He said, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.” But, the young ruler was sad and went away grieved because he had great possessions. It was just too hard to walk away from all that he owned to follow Jesus. And you know, I think the disciples were disheartened by this because they asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.” This may seem an unlikely passage of Scripture to reference here, but what I saw this morning caught my eye. Honestly, I don’t know how I missed it all these years. It’s in verse 21 that I find this nugget of truth: Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and told him to sell all he had.

Do you see? Jesus is all knowing and He knew beforehand what the young man would do. Jesus knew that rich young ruler would choose his riches rather than choose to do what Jesus said to do. And yet, Jesus loved him anyway. Just like I love my son. I know he will get into trouble again and again. And yet, I love him all the more. This is exactly how Jesus loves me. This is exactly how God loves me.

Later last night, my son was snuggled up on a cozy chair when he asked me for a drink. I’m trying to not do as much for him, as I feel he should take care of his own needs when he’s able to. But last night, there was something about the way he looked and the way he asked… or perhaps it was something about the way he had been disciplined earlier… or more simply… it was something about the love of a mother that caused me to sit beside him instead. I told him that although I would normally ask him to get his own water, I just wanted him to know how much I love him. And so, I gave him a kiss and was happy to get him his drink last night. And it’s this… this right here… this is just how much God loves me. As a mother loves her child. As a mother who wants to give her child a drink of water. As a mother who wants to offer comfort where she can. This is how much I love my son. And it’s amazing to think… God loves me just the same.

For thus says the LORD: “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the Gentiles like a flowing stream. Then you shall feed; on her sides shall you be carried, and be dandled on her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; and you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:12