History repeats itself… or so I’ve heard.
History repeats itself, right? A popular saying that originated from I don’t know where, but I’ve heard it from more than one person. So it must be true, right? Yes, history repeats. The newest saying I’ve heard more than one time is insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but hoping for a different result. Well… if that’s true, then quite clearly, I’m insane. Because after reviewing my journal from 2010, and comparing it to where I am today, I am doing the same thing again and again. And no surprise, the end result is always the same. The most damning piece of evidence was laid bare yesterday morning. The truth is, I hurt my son. It wasn’t a big hurt, but when it comes down to it, a hurt is a hurt – big or small. It happened during the mad dash of getting ready for school. Time just got away from me, and I cut it so close that I had to dress my son. Because bless his little soul, he only moves at one speed called “taking his time.” As I hastily pulled up his jeans, I felt resistance but tugged anyway. Well, his little foot was caught and it hurt him. And so, because I neglected to manage my time, I caused my son pain in the ensuing madness. And honestly, I think his feelings were hurt more than anything. Obviously, I felt like the worst mother in the whole world. And do you want to hear the most awful part? It was a couple of hours later as I perused through my old journal notes of September 15, 2010 that I realized this wasn’t the first time I had done this. I read my own confession: “rushed and hurt my son.” It’s a fact that I had the same encounter with my son two and a half years later. Thus, it is a proven truth… history does repeat itself. I felt like a terrible mother then, and I feel like one now. And because I am doing the same thing over and over again (rushing in the morning, but hoping for a different outcome), some would classify me as insane. And I would have to agree with them.
If I’ve learned anything in my journey with God, it’s that there are no coincidences. And when He wants you to see something about yourself, He’ll bring it right to you. He’ll show you a picture of yourself that you cannot deny. My reflected image came by way of a piece of pottery of all things. It’s the bowl I described in “A Bowl Girl.” I realize that I am the bowl. Just not as it is in its present condition. In no way do I resemble that bowl as it rests on my countertop reflecting rays of light. No, I resemble the bowl as it looked some months ago… when it was high and lifted up on the top of my fridge, collecting so much dust that even if the light had reached its surface, it wouldn’t have glimmered at all. Yes, I am just like that bowl when it was on display… just like a Pharisee. And so, I cannot say I was too surprised when I found notes in my old journal that could have been written by my own hand today. Everything that’s happening in my life today is mimicking what took place then. Again, it is proven… history repeats itself. Because I am struggling with the same thing over and over again. As always, same outcome. This is insanity.
Yesterday morning, I wondered about my being a Pharisee and a hypocrite. Because I had confronted that particular issue last year. And through reviewing my very old journal, it appears it was my struggle two and a half years ago, too. And until this past week, I didn’t really think I was a Pharisee… again. And as I ponder my past, it becomes clear how I arrived to today… to insanity. See, I am a legal assistant and work for a lawyer. The law is important. I’ve always been a rule-follower at heart. Even as a teen and young adult (when I got into things I shouldn’t), deep down I had fear because I knew there was a right and wrong. My fear was that I would get into trouble for breaking rules. And so years later, after I became His and when I finally came to a point in which I was desperate to know God, I sought knowledge. Basically, I wanted to know what His rules were. Because rules I could follow. And although seeking God’s law is not a bad thing, it can be dangerous for someone like me… a rule follower. Because acquired knowledge can cause someone like me to become arrogant and a know-it-all. It can cause someone like me to be prideful. From experience, I know one can begin adhering to one’s own set of scales of justice. And woe to anyone who falls short, because judgment will follow. I know, because this is exactly what happened to me then, it’s what happened to me a year ago, and apparently, it’s happened to me recently. I cannot deny my own handwriting. And so there’s no denying that I am a modern day Pharisee, repeating the history of Pharisees (religious leaders) from long ago. My attitude no different than theirs, and this is insanity!
Pharisees knew the law better than anyone else, and they followed it to the letter… but, their heart’s were unmoved. Pharisees lacked mercy, and when they came face to face with Jesus, they didn’t know Him and His righteousness. Because they had their own self-righteousness. And this is what Jesus had to say to or about them: they trusted in themselves that they were righteous, they despised others, they exalted themselves and thus were abased, they were those who justified themselves before men (but God knew their hearts), they were lovers of money and turned their noses up at Jesus, and they held to what was highly esteemed before men (but was, and is, an abomination before God). A Pharisee knew God’s greatest commandment was to love God above EVERYTHING, and to love his neighbor as himself… but he wanted to clarify and dispute and test Jesus and justify himself. The Pharisee said, “And who is my neighbor?” It’s evidenced that he knew the correct answer when Jesus asked “who was neighbor to him who fell?” The Pharisee said, “He who showed mercy on him.” But head knowledge does not always reach the heart.
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men-extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be abased, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 18:10-14
You know, in Jesus’ day, the Pharisee lacked conviction. Because in his eyes, he did no wrong. And it was two and a half years ago when I asked the question within my journal, “Am I a hypocrite… a Pharisee?” One of the most condemning phrases I found to confirm my suspicion was “lack of conviction.” At that time, I knew I judged people. And yet, rather than feel bad about it, I felt justified in my thinking. Because I thought they didn’t measure up. Remember… the Pharisee adhered to his own set of scales.
Like a Pharisee, I know God’s commands and can follow all the outward rules. I can appear very devout, but what about my insides… what about my heart? Like a Pharisee, I am often unmoved, unloving and unmerciful. I’m just like that bowl I kept way up high on the fridge. It was there for display only… cold and hard to the touch. The bowl didn’t know it was useless up high. The Pharisees didn’t know they were useless to God either. And until now, I thought I was. But, history repeats… it’s insanity.
When I was a young girl, my grandfather, Eddie, used to call out to me, “Whoa, Pam!” Sounds similar to what Jesus called out to the Pharisees, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!” Maybe Eddie wasn’t simply calling to me after all… perhaps God gave him insight as to what my future held, and just maybe he was calling out warning instead, “Woe, Pam!” The good news is, whether then or now, I’ve been warned. Because today is the day I see. And the truth is, it’s not at all about history repeating itself… or being insane. Quite frankly, it’s called lack of repentance. It’s called choosing to live in sin. Because to him who knows to do good, and doesn’t… it is sin. In His mercy, God showed me then, and again today. I can no longer deny the truth of what I am… a hypocrite and a Pharisee. This was true two and a half years ago, it was true a year ago… and it’s true again today. I’ve been doing the same thing again and again, hoping for another outcome. They say that’s insanity but today I know better. And the good news is, history does not have to repeat itself. He gives us the choice. And so, I know what I must do… it’s time to stop the insanity… it’s time to REPENT.
forever young
Last week, Grandma said, “Oh, Pam. Don’t die young, but never grow old!” This was her advice to me as she cautiously made her way to my door, after mom helped her up the steps. See, my grandma is getting pretty fragile, her bones not as strong as they once were. She used to be the one to hug me, but now I give her the hug… her body being engulfed by my own.
So there’s no denying it… Grandma has become old. And truth is, I didn’t take her remark to heart until today. “Don’t die young, but never grow old.” And the more I ponder her words of wisdom, I see it’s really the best advice someone could give. Because at some point, we will all face death…
Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment. Hebrews 9:27
It becomes clear that death is our destiny. But are we destined to grow old, too?
Me and Grandma, 1985
Today, I realized what an old person I truly am. And I’m only forty years old. I believe the way I have been living has everything to do with my old state of mind. See, I believe aging is more about attitude than anything. Because for years now, I’ve been isolated as I work from home. Rarely do I get out of the house and if I do, it’s usually family or church oriented. All good things, but somewhat selfish. Because the only things I do concern me and mine… my house, my family, my church.
inside…
Inevitably, all my focus is inward. Consumed by my stuff. And because of that, I’ve become self-centered contemplating my life way too much. It’s unhealthy. To further this inward focus, we no longer have cable. That means no news. Although I’m able to read about current events through the internet, it’s just not the same as watching the news on T.V.
Basically, what all this boils down to is I’ve been self-absorbed. I’ve been feeding into longing. My desires and wants mastering my life… because all I see is me. Everything revolves around me and my world. And because I’m not faced with the harsh reality of reality, my axis is off center. My reality is not what’s real at all because my reality is out of balance.
In truth, I’ve been removed from the very thing I should be connected to… God’s creation and His people. Thus, I don’t have a firm grasp of reality. The true suffering that takes place around me surreal. And so rather than being thankful for how truly blessed I am, I groan inwardly over what I don’t have. Rather than thanking God for my circumstances, I covet and desire. I think it’s aged me. My consistently ungrateful attitude has worn me out.
outside…
Ironically, despite an inward focus mentally, I find I’m the last one I take care of externally. So busy with housework and chores, I’ve neglected exercise. Utterly out of shape, I get winded simply by climbing our steep driveway. And eating? Well, healthy eating has fallen to the wayside.
I am God’s temple, and yet I’m falling apart. My foundation has cracks, my bones groan and strength fails me. I am truly a forty-year-old old woman. And so I think about Grandma, and what she said…. “never grow old!” But this is the very thing I’ve done. I feel all of seventy instead of forty. And what bit of health I do possess, I fear I’ve taken for granted.
But this should not be. For God does not want me to be worn out. And old before my time. No, He wants me to serve Him with mind and body. He wants me to love Him with all my heart and soul and strength. But the truth is, I’m just plain worn out. Sometimes I am. Strength has all but left the building…
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31
I’m faced with a choice today. We all are. For it is true we’re destined to die once. But the fact is we don’t have to grow old in the process. I know, inevitably our body parts will fail us; however, our minds don’t have to. See, I am absolutely convinced the key to staying young is attitude.
If we simply take our eyes off ourselves and look out, we’ll feel differently. Because too much inward focus causes discontentment. Too much me seeking causes an ungrateful attitude. And so we strive to attain what we do not have. And we wear out through the process… it ages us and we grow old before our time.
Today, though, I try to take my eyes off of me. And today, through His eyes, I begin to look beyond my sphere of comfort and to the fields. Because the harvest is truly great. But the laborers are few… and God wants us to be working. For Him! But if we’re too old and worn out, we’re of no good use to Him.
And oh, I want to be serviceable to Him today. Because there’s no time to delay. The truth is we don’t know what will happen tomorrow. What is our life, but a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14.
So let us not delay another moment, for this is the day that He has made… let us rejoice and be glad in it! May we look beyond our selfish desires and run with endurance! May we fight the good fight of faith and give this one life everything we have! May we do justly and love mercy and extend our arms to those in need!
And oh, that we’d live in a way that brings no regrets.
And that we’d please God. And oh, Lord, help us to stay strong so we can do just that.
Just like Grandma said, may we never grow old. So we ask you, Lord God, please… may we stay forever young.
The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11
With these hands…
And they said to me, “The survivors who are left from the captivity in the province are there in great distress and reproach. The wall of Jerusalem is also broken down, and its gates are burned with fire.” So it was, when I heard these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned for many days.” Nehemiah 1:3-4
Nehemiah was a cupbearer to the king. He was pretty comfortable… a good job, security, food. He had everything he could need in his cushy job. But when he heard the news of his homeland, of its destruction, he sat down and wept. He mourned many days, and fasted and prayed. Nehemiah lifted his voice to the Lord and he prayed for all his people… for his homeland. And today in our nation, many of us may feel the same as Nehemiah did so long ago. Many of us may be weeping. My soul aches and tears run like faucets and all I can attribute it to is what seems to be such a senseless tragedy.
Nehemiah not only prayed, he did something else. He was moved beyond complacency. He was so moved that he had to go back to his homeland. Because had to do something. And so, Nehemiah went back and inspected the walls of Jerusalem. They did in fact lay in waste, but he wasn’t discouraged. Instead, he told the people, “Come and let us build the wall of Jerusalem…” He encouraged the downtrodden people. And their response? They said, “Let us rise up and build.” Then they set their hands to do the good work.
What took place in Boston yesterday brought back the memories of September 11, among other tragedies. So long ago, Nehemiah was moved to action. And we see the same thing today. Our hearts are lifted with the many stories of heroes who ran to help, of the local people opening their homes to strangers. But what about those who are so far away, but moved beyond complacency. We may not be able to go physically and lend our hands… so can we do anything? Our tears fall, but can we do more? Yes… I believe at the very least, we can pray. We can lift our hands to God and pray for those who are left, that they may rise up and build. We can clasp our hands together and pray for our entire nation, that we may all rise up and build. We can pray to God that His good hand will be upon us, as it was upon Nehemiah.
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD…” Isaiah 54:17
A Bowl Girl
“Arise and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause you to hear my words.” Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. “Look, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand…” Jeremiah 18:2-4 and 6
About seven or eight years ago, my husband and I visited a town called Seagrove, which is known for its pottery. We spent several hours there visiting shop after shop and admiring all the different vessels. Before visiting Seagrove, I never gave much thought to pottery… I just thought bowls. But in Seagrove, I saw a treasure of urns, jugs, pitchers, soap dispensers, plates, platters, and cups, among other earthenware. Each shop housed a myriad of vessels, each one a different shape and size, each one varying slightly in color or texture. No two were exactly alike. And that’s what makes pottery special. Each piece is unique and not to be duplicated. Kind of like us… God’s own earthenware.
Although I was faced with many beautiful pieces that day in Seagrove, I selected a bowl. See, I’m a bowl girl and I simply adore them… all shapes, all sizes. When we were first married, I received several sets, but I didn’t part with any of them. Because to me, there’s something satisfying about the way a bowl looks. I have so many today, but my favorites are the old and scarred ones. I have several pieces of Fire King that remind me of my grandmother. I also have a couple of white bowls that belonged to her, and those are my favorites. Although the white ones are the most simple, and have not a spark of color, they are dearest to me because I remember how my grandmother filled them with sausage gravy. Just like pottery, her sausage gravy cannot be duplicated… hers was unique.
There were a lot of flashy, bright bowls in Seagrove, but I chose a more subdued one… kind of deep brown overlaid with olive green, and almost unrecognizable is turquoise peeking through. And what I really love about this bowl is how it shimmers and gleams in the sunlight. At first glance, the bowl looks drab, but upon closer inspection you see the glimmer. However, it has to be in the light to shine. And you know what I did? At first, it was displayed on my sofa table. I thought it was pretty and wanted to showcase it. And where it was, it did catch some light. But basically, it just sat there… lifeless. A few years later, it was packed away into a box and kept in storage for close to a year. When it was unearthed, I again put it on display. With each move, I used that bowl as a decoration… a piece of knick-knack. And so, over time, it lost its appeal. It became part of the lay of the land around my house. I didn’t really admire it anymore. Finally, it was relegated to the top of my fridge. Still on display, high and lofty… but in the shadows of the room. There, it caught no light.
Just a few months ago, I decided to get that bowl down from its high place. See, to me it had lost its sparkle and shine. It wasn’t as special anymore, and so I decided to use that bowl for what it made for. I actually put it on my counter where it humbly housed fruit… it became serviceable. And so I was surprised when my cousin admired it in its lowly state. She even had to pick it up and peer closely at how the flecks of light sparkled in the sun. And it caused me to take a second glance. Because I had forgotten the shine. It was a dust catcher for so long, I forgot how beautiful the bowl really is. And what strikes me today is that unless I brought that bowl down off that high place where it used to be, it never would have caught the light. It would have been high, but in the dark. It would have stayed dull and unappealing. But that bowl, when low, really shone.
You know, that bowl went through a lot to look like it did. There was a process it endured not only to make it shine, but also to make it serviceable. First came a drying period. A kiln used low temperatures to dry out the ceramic, and remove all of the water before the final firing. When the vessel was ready, the kiln used higher temperatures and a process called burnout. The kiln was heated to such a temperature that all the impurities were burned away. The next process was sintering, which means the particles of ceramic bonded to each other… the bowl became structurally stronger. That process actually changed the particles of the ceramic from clay into finished ceramic. The final stages of making the ceramic bowl involved glazing. It’s when the piece became sealed and acquired a finished look. This process involved such high temperatures that the oxidation of the exposed ceramic increased so high that the quartz crystal structured with the ceramic actually melted and flowed together. Not a comfortable process, but it’s what makes pottery so beautiful. And it sounds downright painful in light of the fact that this is exactly what God does with us. But it’s this process that gives His vessels their shine.
“Woe to him who strives with his Maker! Let the potsherds strive with the potsherds of the earth. Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’? Woe to him who says to his father, ‘What are you begetting?’ Or to the woman, ‘What have you brought forth?'” Isaiah 45:9-10
God is making each one of us into a vessel for His glory. And we can either let God have his way with us, or we can fight the process. And how much we struggle will probably determine the length of our stay in the kiln. It would probably be helpful if we could begin to understand what kind of vessel it is that He’s forming. Are we urns, filled with God’s living water ready to splash it onto whoever thirsts for eternal life? Are we soap dispensers, spurting out the truth that makes sinners clean? Are we platters, holding mounds of God’s word that nourishes the soul? Or are we bowls, teeming over with the fruit of the Spirit? In essence… how has He gifted us? Is He making us an evangelist, a teacher, a missionary… or something else?
Or perhaps what’s more important to understand is where we are in the process. Are we dry as we wander through the desert on a pilgrimage to Him? Or we in that burnout process, where our impurities are being purged? Are we becoming structurally stronger as we bond to Him? Have we been transformed yet, from clay to ceramic? Are we sealed by Him? Have we been brought through such high temperatures that our selfishness has melted away, leaving only godly desires flowing alongside His own? Have we made it to that final process where we are being glazed by His fire? If so, take heart… because we’re getting ready to shine.
The fact is we are all His vessels, created by Him for His purposes. He is the potter, and we are the clay. And once we know what we are, we can be used by Him. And He wants us to know. See, I’m a bowl girl. Or I hope to be. I hope that I can step down from my high place, and cease striving with Him. I pray that I will humbly let Him make me into whatever it is that He wants me to be. If I can do that, then He will place me on His countertop… for His service. And perhaps I’ll teem over with fruit… His fruit. And just maybe, parts of me will be lit up… just like that bowl that sits on my own countertop.
Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the LORD is risen upon you… the LORD will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you. Isaiah 60:1-2
Self-Serve
First comes faith… we have to believe that God is who He says He is and that He did what He said He did before we can go any further with Him. Without faith, it is impossible to please Him. And so we start there… with faith. But what next? How do we come to know God? He promised that if we sought Him with our whole heart, we would find Him, right? So quite naturally, we move on to the next step which is searching His word. Because within the pages of Scripture, we find Him. We learn about His character, about His nature, about His mighty acts. Through His word, we gain knowledge about God. That’s what I set my heart to do three years ago, and I pored through His word. In the fall of 2010, I veered off course for a while. But when I got back on track, I started searching His word with a fine tooth comb. I have a voracious appetite for His word, and it’s what sustains me. Jesus said that Man shall not live on bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God. He also declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” (John 6:35)
But within the past year, something has occurred to me. Oh, I have gained much knowledge, but what about my heart? Is it beginning to resemble His? If I’m going to be completely honest (and this is the truth about God & me), I have to say… “not so much.” Yes, I have a passion for His word. I love it. I want to read it, I want to share it and discuss it. I love His word. But what about Him? Do I simply love Him, as I am so commanded? And what about His people? Do I love them as He tells me to? Those are the greatest commandments. Jesus said to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind… that’s the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. Well, as I examine my heart, I have to say I am not quite doing this. I am trying to love God the best I can… I am loving him with my mind, with the knowledge I’ve gained. But my heart? God help me, it’s not a heart of flesh yet. It’s still somewhat stony, because there are people all around me that I can be loving in tangible ways… but unfortunately, I have not moved beyond my comfort zone to reach out. I have not truly extended my hand to those in need.
I’ve referred to darkness that surrounds me… darkness that I can fall into quite easily. Well, I guess that would be called depression and I go there at times for no apparent reason. And with my mind, and all the knowledge I’ve gained, I’ve tried to fix this problem. But to no avail. I even fasted this past January for 21 days. Not from all food, but particular foods. See, I wanted it to be a spiritual thing, and for those 21 days I purposed certain issues to God. One of those issues being my darkness. But you know… even that spiritual thing turned into something for me. Because I lost weight, and I liked that. And so, the spiritual fast turned into multiple trips to the scales. That wasn’t for God. And in hindsight, I have to wonder if God prompted the fast at all. Because the truth is He already told me how to escape this darkness. It was in the fall of 2011 when I saw a passage of Scripture that so moved me I immediately copied it onto an index card and placed it in plain view for a while. But you know, I don’t think I ever acted on it. Because I still live in darkness. And I still fail to move beyond the comfortable nest of my home and church. This is what God said through Isaiah 58:6-10:
“Is this not the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you: the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call and the LORD will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, if you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then your light shall dawn in the darkness, and your darkness shall be as the noonday.”
What is apparent to me is that I have been living selfishly. I have been serving myself heaping helpings of God’s word, gobbling it down and savoring every word, but then… I am the only one nourished by it. I’ve grown fat on God’s words, and feel pretty good about all this knowledge I’ve gained. I’ve sacrificed hours of my time seeking Him, reading His word and praying. I tithe and give money to World Vision. I’m doing everything I should be, right? Wrong. I follow the rules and keep my hands clean. This makes me a Pharisee and a hypocrite. Because I have neglected the weightier matters of God’s word… justice and mercy and faith. Jesus said to go and learn what this means… “I desire mercy and not sacrifice.” And I believe this is what He wants for me to learn. Because until I can learn this, healing will elude me. He tells me… extend my soul. If I could just be an extension of Him, then my healing will spring forth speedily. If I could just move my eyes off of me, and onto those that surround me, my darkness will be as the noonday. See, He doesn’t want my sacrifices of tithes and prayers and Bible study. Not unless I can attend to the most simple, and yet weightier matters, too. Because these – mercy… justice… faith – ought to have been done without leaving the others undone. And let me not forget love. If I could just love as He did…. sacrificially.
I have a love for God’s word. And it’s through the study of His word that I know, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.” And because of John chapter 1, I know, “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” Jesus is the Word of God become flesh. If I love His Word, then I do love Him. The problem is all the self-serve I’ve been indulging in.
There’s not a thing wrong with studying God’s word. We’re commanded to. However, it should change us. And it will, if we let it. It will change us if we just do what He says to do. But what He says to do is challenging. Because it means removing ourselves from our bubbles of security. It means in addition to praying for ourselves, we pray for others. It means in addition to writing out checks, we go out there and meet with those who are in need. It means to not hide ourselves from our own flesh. We all have some of those family members, right? The ones who cause trouble… the ones who have so many problems it’s just easier to turn the other way. God tells us to love our neighbor, not just in word but in deed. He tells us to get out there and get dirty. And it’s then, and only then, that our healing shall spring forth speedily. It’s only then that our light shall break forth like the morning. Perhaps then, we will all shine bright in the dark… like Jesus did.
To those who shine bright…
Jesus said let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16). And this is for all those out there who are shining bright. You are the ones who bring glory to His name!
I learned something about my husband’s cousin this morning. She has MS, and I didn’t even know it. And you know, although we don’t see each other often, what I remember about this gal is that she is exuberant. She’s joyful. She’s contagious. And she posted something yesterday that moved me to write about yet more struggle. But at the time, I didn’t even know what she was really going through! Because although she wrote about going through a valley, you know what she did? She counted her blessings. She thanked God for what she did have. Rather than bemoan her situation, she brought glory to His name. She shines.
There’s a gal I know who has two boys with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Oh, how she struggles. I don’t even have a clue how hard she works. But you know what I know about her? She’s beautiful… inside and out. She has such a sweet heart, and for some reason when I see her, I’m drawn to her. She doesn’t complain about her situation. You know what she does? She brings glory to His name. She shines.
You know, my son was baptized this past Sunday. And it was a beautiful ceremony… the pastor sprinkled him with salt, and gave him a candle. See… we’re supposed to be the salt and the light of the world. We’re supposed to shine that light for all to see. And what a joyful occasion it was! My son has invited Jesus into his heart, and he has a hope and a future. He is secure! What glory! And yet, I write about the struggle. May God help me to see what He’s given me. May God help me to embrace my current season in life. May God give me the eyes to see, as I’m so very blind! God help me! Help me to shine! Restore the sparkle to my eye so that I can be like these two gals I know. They’re beautiful, contagious and special. And they bring such glory to Your name.
Lord, help us all to see what we have. Remove the scales from our eyes. Help us all to find blessing in each day. Because it’s all around us. If we can just open our eyes wide enough. And to those who shine bright, for His glory, I say thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You bring glory to His name. May we all follow your lead… may we all shine bright.
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. Matthew 6:22
I have a dream…
Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Psalm 24:3
This afternoon, I had a moment of doubt about what I was doing. Because I have been writing about struggle, and turmoil, and strife. I even had the song “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne rolling around in my head. It’s a beautiful song… a man sings his heart out about his pain. Trouble following him since the day he was born, and worry won’t leave him alone… but he was saved by a woman. And that woman, she won’t let him go. Do you know what I hear in that song? God. Because Jesus said in this world we will have trouble, but to take heart for He has overcome the world! Trouble is a part of our lives. But it’s not a woman who will save us. It’s Jesus. He is the One who will not let us go.
It was this afternoon when I read a comment on the blog about being thankful and counting blessings. And for a brief period, I felt uncertain about what I was doing. Because all I seem to write about is struggle… not blessing and thankfulness. For some reason, I cannot seem to break through all the strife. Why? Why am I stuck in the valley, when I want to be on the mountain with God? What purpose does the trial, and my writing about it, serve? Wouldn’t it be more effective to write about thankfulness, and counting my blessings? Wouldn’t that bring more glory to God? Wouldn’t uplifting blogs encourage someone all the more? Am I coming across as a whiny, baby???
And God reassured me. There is purpose. He reminded me of my dream. It was birthed in the summer of 2011, and has grown to all consuming proportions in recent days. I want to write because I am passionate about God. He is the One who instilled that passion within me. He is the One who is transforming me into something more… for Him. But along the way, there’s struggle. And so, what comes out is the truth about God and me. And right now, I have trouble. Right now, I’m in a valley. And you know what? I feel deep in my heart that most people out there are living in the valley, too. But, I’m on a journey. I’m ascending a mountain with God, and I want other people to come along with me. I want other people to know what I’ve learned, and what I’m learning. Because it took oh, so long to get just where I am now… and there’s a mountain to climb, and endurance is required. Yes, I’m passionate about my struggle. Because I know in my heart, I am not the only one who feels the same.
Yes, I have a dream, and God reminded me of my dream today through two separate sources. I read an article entitled “5 lies that keep us from dreaming” in the P31 Woman magazine. And after my recent blogs about “Desire,” I just have to share what I read: “Your dreams aren’t about you, they’re about what God wants to do in His kingdom through you.” “So right here, right now, take back your God-given permission to dream and to follow the desires of our heart.” And, “the ‘more’ your heart has desired is what God has wanted to give you all along.” I also read a devotion from a book called, “Fresh Grounded Faith,” by Jennifer Rothschild. The topic? Follow your heart… she talked about Martin Luther King’s famous speech of August 28, 1963. She said that the speech almost didn’t happen. See, Dr. King had a dream, and he talked about it, wrote about it and shared it. Communicating his dream was his passion. And so, his advisors worried that the phrase, “I have a dream,” had been overused. They thought that it might lose its impact, if you can imagine that. And so, Dr. King did follow the new speech; however, before he came to the end he strayed from the transcript. He began to follow his heart, and speak out of his passion. And he said, “I have a dream…” The rest is history, as they say.
Martin Luther King, Jr. – I have a Dream
Martin Luther King had a dream. And his dream was God’s dream… Dr. King said, “I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” May we all have just such a dream. And when desire gives birth to passion, may we know that it was God who placed it inside us.
At the end of your rope
Here lately, words of comfort escape me. Because I look around, and honestly, all that I see is struggle. It seems as if every person in my life is going through something, and this morning my heart breaks. Every person I know is suffering in some way… whether it’s doubt, bitterness, despair, overwhelmed, distrust, pain, disease, or something else… it’s there. All the people I love seem to be coming to the end of their rope. Do you know what that term really means? It’s when someone is at the limit of their patience or endurance. And this sums it up… my loved ones have just about hit the wall. Patience and endurance are running low, and for some reason, I am empty with regard to words of encouragement. As a matter of fact, it’s as if I, too, have come to the end of my rope. And so this morning, I did the only thing I knew to do. I cried. I lifted my voice to God and asked for His help. For me… and for all those that I know who are at the end of their rope. And I heard Him. He said, “Strength.”
It was the end of last week when I read the book of Ruth. She married a man named Boaz, and his name means, “In Him is Strength.” I entered the word “Strength” in my journal, and wondered if this was the word I needed to carry with me for my present season in life. And so now I know… it is. But not just for me… strength for them… and strength for you. Last week I read a blog that pointed to Psalm 27. This particular Psalm holds a special place in my heart because of the fall of 2010. My husband had a job interview with a company located in Northern Virginia and I wanted it bad. So we prayed beforehand, and we happened to use this Psalm. But before we even finished, I knew the answer was, “Not this one.” I knew it deep down because we prayed… “Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!”
Wait on the LORD and He shall strengthen your heart. Do you know that “wait” means to look for, hope and expect? I didn’t know that till a few years ago. To me, wait simply meant that… wait. But God says not to just wait. He says to look for Him, hope in Him, and expect in Him. He says He’ll strengthen our hearts. And we know (at least in our heads), that there is purpose in the wait. God doesn’t allow us to go through things for no reason. He’s working on us. As we wait on Him, we look to Him. We pray to Him. We ask Him for help… we ask Him for His strength. Because we cannot do it alone. We do not possess the strength to get through life on our own. Remember, it’s “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). It’s “In Him is Strength”, not in me. And so we wait.
It’s recently that I’ve felt a glimmer of excitement. There’s a fresh hope in me. Because God has reminded me of His strength and power. Somehow, I forgot this most important truth. I became weary with my life and present circumstances. But it was yesterday through Psalm 21:1 that He reminded me… there is joy in His strength. It was through Nehemiah 8:10 that He reminded me, the joy of the LORD is my strength. He knew I needed to read this. Because I was coming to the end of my rope. And it’s obvious that all those around me are sliding down to the end of theirs, too. They’ve just about lost their grip in that no endurance remains, and their patience has run thin. They’ve become weary with their trials… they’re tired of their doubt and bitterness, sick of their distrust and despair, they no longer want to feel overwhelmed, and they don’t want to face another day of pain or disease. What LORD, can You offer as a word of encouragement? Because I’ve been feeling down, too. I don’t know that I have the words…
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. There is no searching of His understanding. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases in strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31
I have to smile when I read that last part… they shall run… they shall walk. Today those words have to be specifically for my dear friend. You see, she’s on crutches. And her God wants her to know He sees her. He is telling her that not only will she walk, but she will run. And may we all run. As we wait on Him, may we be expectant! As we wait on Him, may we have hope! And may we endure… because He will provide the strength.
“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27
Full Circle
August 31, 2010: How long will you forget me… and my desire to be in Virginia? How long before I know you… and see Your face? How long will I be anxious, and agonize over what I don’t have? Answer me, God! Restore brightness to my eyes, as I live and walk as if I were dead. You will deliver me! (Old journal entry derived from Psalm 13)
I wrote this prayer almost three years ago. And as of April 9, 2013, not much has changed. If I simply replaced my desire for Virginia with my newest desire, I could voice this prayer today. It’s apparent that Desire has been my foe for as long as I can remember. She surely has been residing in my heart for years, as evidence of her fruits are woven throughout my journal entries. Desire promised joy, but she delivered only bitterness and anger. She gave birth to impatience and complacency, and finally, to melancholy and depression. Three years ago, Desire had a grip on me, squeezing until there was no room left for anything good. And she almost won, but God came through for me. And here I am today. Desire’s grip is just as strong, but He is stronger. It’s only in His strength that I can defeat her.
Not long ago, I stood at the edge of a precipice. Because of unmet desires, I lost hope. Tired of waiting, I peered into the depth of darkness, poised and ready to fall… but this time God stopped me. He gave me an outlet for my passion, and the blog came to pass. Through it, I began to pour out my heart and soul and I once again felt purposeful. And it was through the writing that I recently came to a turning point in my life. I began to question every single thing I was doing. Or not doing. I came to the point in which I wanted to know God, and what He really wants of me. Because everything I was doing felt so hollow… empty works. Basically, I came to today… a place in which I want to know from the bottom of my heart just what God created me for. I want to know what His purpose was in making me. I want to know what those good works are that I should be walking in. And so today, I am just as desperate as I was three years ago. Today, I am desperately seeking what God wants me to do. I again want to know what His requirements are. And so today, I find myself just where I was in August of 2010. Full circle.
In August of 2010, I was like a woman with a split personality. Full of desperation, and yet, full of hope. Anger with my circumstances, and yet, acceptance. Up and down, back and forth. I wanted and craved and desired, but then, I accepted and submitted. Today, I am exactly the same! Today I want something every bit as much as I wanted Virginia so long ago. And so I see my current feelings documented on page after page of my old journals. It’s like nothing has changed. And yet, everything has changed. The difference is… today I know Him. It was just under three years ago that I began my search for God. He said, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” So I sought the knowledge of God. I wanted to know Him and I desired a relationship with Him. In the prayer above, I even asked Him, “How long before I know you?” I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but today I know it’s true. I know Him and have that relationship that once eluded me. He answered my prayer. And so now, I have a new hope. See… part of that prayer of so long ago was for God to restore the brightness to my eyes. Then, I felt like the living dead… exactly how I felt so recently. And although Desire hasn’t lessened her grip on me, and she continues to bear fruit in my life… this time around, I know God! He answered my prayer in bringing me to Virginia, and it’s here that I came to know Him. And I feel certain He’ll answer the rest of my prayer in due season. He’ll one day restore that brightness to my eye. He’ll revive me by breathing new life into my deadened soul. I just need to do my part…
Psalm 27:8 says, “When you said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.” This verse holds the key to defeating Desire. Although “seek” has several meanings, one spoke loud and clear this morning. It means, “to desire.” When I can simply desire God’s face, or His presence, as I did then… He will deliver me from my foe. Because His presence is the one thing I should desire. And so today, He brings to remembrance what He told me before… In Your presence is fullness of joy. See, Desire may offer joy, but she can only deliver pain and sorrow. Because what she promises may never come to pass. But God’s promises are true, and what He promises is fullness of joy in His presence. God says, “Do not mourn nor weep… do not sorrow, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” In His presence, I will find the joy Desire couldn’t deliver. And it’s through the joy of the LORD, that I will find the strength to defeat Desire. Because the more time I spend with Him, the more my desire will be for only Him. That’s the day Desire will lose her grip on me.
I’ve come full circle. I’m right back to where I started almost three years ago… desperately seeking God. And now, my hope is renewed. For God answered my prayer and He delivered me. And He’ll do so again.
September 9, 2010: I shall have joy in Your strength, and in Your salvation how greatly shall I rejoice! You have given me my heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of my lips. I asked for life and you gave it. (Old journal entry derived from Psalm 21)
painter's daughter (a work in progress) 