Something greater

Three years ago, I turned to God. In a way I never had before. Sincerely and wholly. I was desperate for Him. And then the miracle took place. God answered my prayer, and He sent me to my homeland. It was what I wanted more than anything. And upon entrance into what I considered the “promised land,” I found a dry and desolate place instead. I walked straight into the wilderness, spiritually speaking. And so, God gave me my greatest desire, but there was leanness in my soul. And so… two years ago, I again turned to God. Just as the first time, I was desperate for Him. And once again, a miracle took place. I began to find Him. I mean, really find Him. He began to lead me through His word. And words that always held meaning began to mean so much more. Words that were weighty, became even greater. Because they spoke to me personally.

During the summer of 2011, the thought came to me that I should write. Not just once, but several times… and so I finally embraced it. I was given a dream, and with God’s help, I knew that I could do what He said. But I delayed. What a daunting task for one who had never written before. But in the fall of 2011, an email detailing a Christian writing contest was delivered right into my inbox. This bolted me into action. And so, writing is what I have been doing ever since. Writing and composing… for God. And I’ve been completely and utterly, impassioned and inspired by His lovely words.

My heart is overflowing with a good theme;
I recite my composition concerning the King;
My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Psalm 45:1

Yes, I was given a dream. And with all my heart, I believe it was the Giver of all dreams who blessed me with the desire to write. But as time passes, this lovely dream of mine becomes tainted. A heart divided, and too much self-ambition has turned this joy of mine into an idol. And God is clear… one cannot serve two masters. And so, for now… I know what I need to do. It’s time for me to give the dream back. God cautioned me several times the past couple of years, but my heart was too thick and my ears were too dull to listen. I was too prideful. See, it was through the words of a long ago prophet that God spoke plainly. Jeremiah may have been speaking to Baruch, a scribe who wrote out Jeremiah’s words, but it was as if God were speaking right into my ear…

And do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them… Jeremiah 45:5

Oh, yes. God knows the heart. And He gives dreams. But when the dream becomes bigger than the One who gave the dream, it’s time to give the dream back. I want to hold on to it… because it’s my dream. But, I’m certain God is saying, “Give it back.” At least for now.  And you know the funny thing? As I lay my dream at God’s feet, putting it aside… He gives birth to a new dream. But this one is not mine. This one’s for my husband, who has been given a dream of his own. And so, as I slide my dream to the backburner, perhaps it’s time for my husband to bring his to the forefront. (If you haven’t read The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson, please do!)

Believe me, I’ve struggled with this. Because I still have so many blogs in my head, and ideas within the pages of my journal, and so many things I want to say. But there’s no doubt. God has drawn me in this direction a few times now. But I’ve hesitated. I’ve procrastinated. I’ve been holding tight to that dream. Inside, just like a child, I scream, “MINE, MINE, MINE!” But you know… my dream has grown so big, it looms before me. It becomes what I see first and biggest, and so, I see Him secondly and smaller. His voice that was so clear two years ago is not as easy to hear. My heightened awareness to His working in my life has been dulled. And so I have a choice. I can grasp desperately at this dream of mine, hoping it will satisfy. Or, I can hold out for something greater. And that something greater is Him. And the choice is not as hard as I thought. Because I want Him more. He’s the whole point of the writing in the first place. And if I lose Him through the process, then doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

You know, at the top of this blog it says, “The truth about God & me.” Perhaps I should have typed out, “The embarrassing truth about God & me.” Because I just have to share one more dream with you. I don’t know about you, but I have vivid dreams. And I remember many of them. It was just this past week that I shared one with my husband. In my dream, I ran into Beth Moore (of Living Proof Ministries – great Bible teacher/speaker). When I saw her, I told her what a fan I was. And then, well, here’s the embarrassing part… I dreamt that Beth Moore turned to me and said that she was my fan, too!! Okay… even in sleep, my dream of being a successful writer has overtaken me. Talk about being overly-ambitious! And so, since Beth Moore has been at the forefront of my mind lately, I think it’s appropriate to end this blog with her words. For she has so inspired me in my journey toward God… this is what I read this morning:

“Discontent with selfishness and weary of ego, we finally become willing to lose ourselves to something greater. In doing so, we find Christ as we’ve never known Him and, there, pooled in the reflection of His eyes, startle to discover that a part of ourselves resemble Him.” Beth Moore/Esther study

3 thoughts on “Something greater

  1. Hi, Pam! I will miss you…miss reading your words….His words spoken through you. But, I surely understand. It is better to obey God than anyone else. For only there will we find true joy and contentment. I hope we can still keep in touch, as we have time from time to time. Always feel free to email me anytime. I trust your husband’s dream becomes reality, and may God bless your lives together in Him! I am excited for you and what God has in store for your future! God’s peace be with you, Cheryl

    • Thank you, Cheryl! I am so glad to have met you through this, and will delight to see you when we meet on that Day. One day, I imagine I’ll be back to blogging. Not sure the duration, just know that I need to step back a bit. I’ll be looking for your blogs – my kindred spirit. 🙂 May God bless your life richly, fully and abundantly!

      • Yes, what a day that will be! I will look forward to meeting you then, also. I am so happy to know that you will still read my posts, and I, too praise the dear Lord for bringing us together and allowing our paths to cross. I trust God will richly and abundantly bless you and your husband and all you do in this life. May He meet your every need and make every path clear in front of you, as you walk through hand in hand. God bless and keep you always in His care!

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