Half-Baked

Aha! I’ve identified my foe, and I know her well. Her name is Desire and she’s crafty and sly. She booked a room at Heartbreak Hotel, but she hasn’t left me yet. She overstays her welcome, but I can’t force her to leave. She dwells here, within my heart, spreading her belongings all around. She spreads her junk in every nook and cranny, displacing the One who also takes up residency in my heart. But Desire is rude and she doesn’t care who she crowds out. She’s pushy, and makes her demands. She rings her bell at all hours of the night, expecting my immediate service. She wants, and she says so. And when she doesn’t get what she wants, she makes noise. She’s so loud, I can’t hear my other Lodger. He speaks, but she’s louder. Desire shouts but He whispers.

Desire is my enemy. I want and I crave and I yearn. I want something so bad, it causes me to suffer. Basically, I cause me to suffer. Because I cannot quell those feelings that take up all my heart and mind. How in the world can I love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind (the first and greatest commandment), when there’s no room left in my heart and mind? I can’t… not the way I’m supposed to. Thus, my battle. What happened to my ammunition… the wisdom I thought I acquired, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Well, my ammo level is running low and I can’t quite strike Desire. Her foxholes are too deep, and my pitiful attempts to crush her are easily avoided.

I want. I want to be a writer… for God. But not just that. I have a deep desire to be a published writer… for God. It’s something that grabs hold of me every now and then, and I fixate on it. And that’s the problem… I fixate on it, my desire, not Him. And so, this becomes my struggle. I fight with myself. I had a beautiful start about a year and a half ago. I wanted to write about God, and His glory and His light, and how He moved in my life. And so I did. But then, I saw opportunity. I saw another glory… for me. Something a lot of folks don’t know about me is that I grew up shy. And throughout my school years, I was always the less than girl. My friends were more than me. Prettier, bolder, more popular… just more. After graduation, I joined the military and there I saw my chance to excel. There I thought I could be more than I was. What a pitiful fall into a pit of muck that turned out to be. Oh, I was more all right… just more of everything I shouldn’t have been. And then, I met my husband. It was through him, I met Jesus. And after a long period of silence with God (because of me), I finally sought Him. I was desperate. About a year and a half into my diligent search for God, I began to catch glimpses of Him. And when I came close to His glory, the desire to write was birthed. It was not of me… He is the One who placed that desire to write inside me. However, after writing out my testimony, I faced my past. All those less than years were brought to the forefront of my mind, and I thought this could be it. Finally, I could be a somebody. Finally, I could be more than I was. And so, the desire to write for God and His glory morphed into the desire to write for me and my glory.

Alas, as time went on, the burning desire to write intensified. I churned out page upon page, but after three writing contests… nothing. And then came defeat. Then came the bitter. Then came depression. The defeated feelings continue to fluctuate as time goes on, but the desire to write remains. Thus the blog. I have to get it all out. And my desire to be more than I am is the battle I fight. I read a Proverbs 31 devotional recently. It was titled Escaping the Rut of Want, and it provided a great picture of myself. The writer mentioned how her daughters baked a cake, but pulled it out of the oven too soon. It looked done from the outside, but the inside was not. As the cake sat there, it imploded. And this, I see, is me. I’m half-baked. Oh, God is making me… but I’m not done yet. There are some air bubbles inside that need to rise to the surface… there’s some raw batter that needs to sit in the oven just a bit longer. The desire I hold to (the one for my glory) has to be burned out. Only God will know when I’m done. Because until I want to be more than just for Him, nothing’s going to happen. Until I can accept my situation, and remain less than so that He can become more than, I will sit in this oven. Until I want to write for Him, and only Him, I remain half-baked.

Desire is a hard thing to rise above. She can only be conquered when I submit to God, and accept who I am today. I am who I am, right? And for today, I am a child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and legal assistant. This is my station in life… this is where God has placed me. Until I can wholeheartedly embrace what He’s given me (and He’s already blessed me with so very much), there is no way He can entrust me with more. When I submit to what I am, Desire will fall away. She will retreat only when I surrender… to Him.

I am a writer… for God. Words burst forth from my heart. I dream about them and recite my composition over and over in my brain till I can get it out. Yes, I am a writer. Psalm 45:1 says, “My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.” This is me, most of the time. If I can just lose myself and that desire to be more than. If only my sole desire is to write about Him and for Him. If only…

A desire accomplished is sweet to the soul. Proverbs 13:19